Dedication Page #2

the only way he'd give 'em up is

if he was too high to get to the game,

or his fat, lazy beaver ass

couldn't fit in the seat.

Santa Claus doesn't exist.

Beaver can also mean vagina.

- Oh!

- Okay!

Cassidy!

Uh-- uh-- enjoy the game.

Come here.

What the f*** is wrong with you?

You just-- you just

can't let your crap childhood

be a pass to sh*t on everyone else.

Well, every other kid is gonna be crushed

when they find out there's no Santa Claus.

She's now way ahead of the game,

and as a bonus she now

has another word for her pee-pee.

( giant monster roars on television)

( telephone rings )

Hello?

It... looks great, man.

Well, it keeps me occupied.

Hey, you know, I've been

talking to Planck about it...

the book's on, uh, pre-order

for about 1 00,000 copies.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, it is. It's great.

RUDY:
l, uh...

I, uh... I can't see

outta my left eye.

Well, it's the treatment.

Huh. I keep thinkin'

about things, you know?.

How... I was thinking...

if I close my good eye...

I see this-- this bright light.

And, uh, l-- I know

how it sounds, but it...

it's actually very beautiful.

I, uh...

I feel a little-- a little sick.

Could you just lower

the bed a little bit, please?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Yeah, that's good.

( sighs )

You know, Henry...

I wouldn't trade places

with you for anything.

I don't wanna leave

knowing that my only legacy

is a miserable piece of sh*t like you.

Hey, come-- come on.

It's all right, don't-- I understand.

I'm completely lucid, a**hole.

Maybe l...

maybe I should've

had some f***in' kids.

I'd have been better than your mom.

It's shitty what she did to you.

You need to know that.

You want a pillow or somethin'?

Finish the damn book,

find yourself a nice girl.

- A girl?

- Yeah.

Not a girl, a nice girl.

That's-- that's even worse.

Yeah, for her.

And don't sigh

that stupid sigh of yours

and say, "Life,

you know what life is."

Just stop doing that.

Don't do it, then, okay?

Yeah, well, you know,

you got a tumor in your head

that's taking up more real estate

than your brain, so...

It's a joke.

Yeah, I know.

( chuckles )

You'll be fine.

I know.

( sobbing silently )

Henry.

Oh, God.

I'm not crying.

Not in front of you.

You were saying?

I think it might be time

to think about jumping back in.

Finding another illustrator.

Rudy wasn't just another illustrator.

Henry, we have to publish in a month.

It's a contractual...

It's an upstairs thing,

those bastards upstairs in Legal.

You know,

I had a huge fight with them.

Henry, you know I have

a house at the beach in Sag Harbor.

Don't be an a**hole.

And you just stay there

as long as you like,

and relax, and make it a part

of your grieving.

Henry?

( elevator dings )

( sighs )

Sh*t.

Keep working at it.

PLANCK:
Hello.

Morning, Mr. Planck.

American kids

can recognize this face

before the President's.

You know, our illustrator Rudy Holt

has passed away.

It's so awful. The children

will miss him the most.

Uh, wrong.

Shareholders will miss him the most,

then me, then the children.

- That's true.

- Can we see, please?

Thank you.

All right, not very good.

That one's really awful.

Really bad.

All right, hmm.

( mumbles )

Oh, crap.

Ooh, I'm sorry,

I'm thinking out loud.

Gentlemen, success in this business

is 99% perseverance

and 1 % talent.

Congratulations. You're 99% there.

Yeah, I'm not really good with math.

- He wants us to go.

- Okay.

I can rescue

a company from bankruptcy...

I can quote Chaucer and Proust,

and I can make

a terrific goose reduction.

Ask me to draw a frog.

You see, Miss Riley,

there are things that you can do

that I can't do, and vice versa.

This is Henry Roth's telephone number.

I'm sorry, Mr. Planck...

what's...?

- What's that?

- Yeah.

Uh... that's a frog.

You see?

( airplane roars )

They only eat bread.

Nonsense.

Genoa salami,

it's the best in the world--

they would've invented it

if they could've.

That sh*t's gonna kill you.

Yeah, well, tell it to me

when I'm dead.

I am.

What?

I'm telling it to you

when you're dead.

No, that's not what happened.

I said, "Tell it to me when I'm dead,"

and you said, "Will do,"

then you offered me a cigarette.

I'm improvising, okay?

Roll with it.

All right.

Planck wants me

to right another book.

- Good.

- I'm not gonna do it.

Got no choice, pal, my dying wish.

When you said that

you were thinking with a tumor.

Screw you.

Fifteen f***in' years

I put up with your nasty bullshit.

F*** it.

You think people wanna die?

I had a great time being alive.

I f***ing loved it.

I loved women.

I told a hooker once that I loved her,

and goddamn it, I meant it.

And I loved you,

but most of all, even more than you,

I loved being alive.

Now, you better find someone

to be happy with, Henry,

'cause if you keep

hanging around with you,

you're gonna wanna kill yourself.

I wouldn't blame you!

F*** you, motherf***er!

A**hole piece of sh*t!

F*** you!

Out!

Jesus, God,

don't burst in on me like that.

You are in arrears.

You are no longer living

in accordance with the lease.

- You are breaking the law, Mother.

- Out!

A law, excuse me,

that clearly indicates that a landlord--

I'm your mother!

A landlord may not break

the threshold of her property

unless it's with a writ of consent

from a tenant,

accompanied by law enforcement

or an official from

the Department of Housing!

( mutters )

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Are you gay?

( sighs )

No, Mom.

If you are, just tell me.

You know, l--

I just found a dildo.

It's a vibrator, Mom.

I'm still trying to figure out

why was the poor thing frozen?

It wasn't frozen, it was hidden.

Don't avoid the gay question.

Okay, tea.

Do you want some tea?

Yeah.

Why haven't you called him?

He looked at my sketchbook

and told me to keep working at it.

Well, have you kept working at it?

Yeah, of course.

A lot. Look.

Oh, that's awful, honey.

I hate cartoons.

They're absolutely sinister.

Please.

I can't stand them.

Thank you, Mom.

I'm so sorry, dear.

It's okay.

I'm sorry, it's just...

Here, let me give you some money.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, put your

checkbook away. Stop.

Please just forgive me

for what I just said.

All right? Will you do that?

- Will you forgive me?

- Yeah.

Thank you.

I don't know what I'm doing.

So, this is gonna take you

to the middle of the month,

and a little bit beyond it.

Thank you.

( sighs )

This is the last time,

though, honestly.

If this doesn't work out

and I can't pay rent next month,

then I'm gonna apply

to a few law schools.

You know what?

You're absolutely right.

I have to start shattering

this dream, not supporting it.

It is more practical.

I'm giving you until the 20th,

and them I'm gonna

send in the movers,

and I'm gonna change the lock.

Okay.

( telephone rings )

( ring )

( ring )

- Hello?

- ( bell dings )

Planck's a sociopath.

He's a cross-dresser.

He's a hermaphrodite.

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