Dedication Page #3

The guy's a eunuch.

He's a vegetarian for health reasons,

not ethical ones.

You can't trust anything the guy says.

- There are less...

- F***!

...patronizing ways of saying

I'm not good enough to work with you.

I never said you weren't good enough.

Yeah, you did, actually.

You told me to keep working at it.

Oh, well, if I did say that,

I didn't mean with me.

I'm so sorry about your partner.

Was he a really good friend?

No, he was just

a dick who drew well.

I understand that people like Rudy

are irreplaceable,

because I've had people like that

in my own life,

but, Henry, honestly,

illustrating for me is just a job.

It doesn't have to be

anything more than that.

I'm not looking for friends,

especially bad ones.

So...

Lucy, how'd you

get into the business?

Thank you.

So?

Um, I was going for my PhD

in English literature,

but I had this big breakup,

falling out with my thesis advisor--

boyfriend.

So then I went to art school

for a little bit,

and that was a long blah story,

and I ended up leaving

because I had to find a job.

So I picked children's books

because it was

the furthest thing from literature

I could think of.

Oh, I see. Interesting.

Hi, what can I get you guys?

Nothing, go ahead.

Um, I'll just have a Caesar salad

and a side of mashed potatoes.

Thanks.

Bulimia?

No, hungry.

You sure? That stuff comes

back up pretty easily.

Now that I'm in,

you're really gonna have

to try harder than that

to knock me off my game.

You see our waitress over there?

She wants to be an actress.

She's got that air of entitlement

mixed with desperation.

She doesn't have the looks, though.

She doesn't even have the talent,

but, like an old donkey,

she's been at it so long,

she's not fit to try to do

anything else.

She lies to her mom.

She's embarrassed to tell her

about losing the job

for the big Palmolive commercial,

but, fingers crossed,

she's got an audition

for Blockbuster Videos.

She had an abortion once.

She still cries about it sometimes,

even though she saved that thing

from an agonizing life

of eating leftover mashed potatoes

and watching its Mom lose jobs

like Palmolive commercials.

She's got about three ovarian eggs left.

In addition to being less interesting

and much less attractive...

you're so much more

pathetic than she is.

You're not in.

LUCY:
I hate Henry Roth.

I don't think it's possible

to work with him.

I think I'd be much happier

back downstairs.

PLANCK:
That is so

unprofessional, Miss Riley.

I'm shocked.

You can call me by my first name.

Well, of course I can...

- Lisa.

- Lucy.

- Lizzie? Lucy.

- Lucy.

Lucy, Henry Roth is

the only reason you have a job.

$1 00,000 if you can get

a book out of him by Christmas.

I think someone else would be

much more appropriate for the job.

Wonderful.

So why don't you

clear out your things.

I'll be only too glad

to give you a reference.

Miss Riley?

Lucy?

A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

Two hundred.

That is my final offer,

and I would think very carefully

before walking out that door.

I am prostituting myself.

Your methods are your own.

What can you take me for?

I can fight it,

but it's gonna get expensive.

There's no guarantee.

- What's your name again?

- Jake.

Jake. What can Planck

take me for?

That depends on what they can

convince a judge a book's worth.

A million, maybe.

Maybe two million.

Sh*t.

- ( screaming )

- ( screaming )

Lucy, no!

Get the f*** out of here!

- Who is he?

- What is wrong with you?

Mom, I thought he was

gonna rob me, or rape me...

-...or kill me or something!

- Gather yourself.

This is business.

Don't get hysterical.

- But I live there!

- And I can't keep floating you.

( groans )

Yours is the only apartment

in this entire building

that's still paying last year's rent.

Okay, I moved in four months ago.

A four-month ride that has

to come to an end sometime.

I have to push you from the nest.

Oh, Mom, you are so insane.

Okay, okay, no more tears.

No more tears.

Okay, now, I would be happy

to show you

an apartment on First and A.

It is a walk-up, but it's half

of whatever they're charging you here.

What you are charging me, Mom!

Don't get personal!

Oh, sh*t.

You could've called.

I'm... I'm sorry I didn't call.

( telephone ringing )

You know, it's just...

agonizing when you get these

"We just moved to NewYork" people.

ANSWERING MACHINE:

Hey, it's Lucy. Leave me a message.

JEREMY:
Lucy, it's Jeremy.

Um, I'm in New York,

and... I'm in your neighborhood.

And it's been a year, it would seem,

which is hard to believe.

Um...

Lucy, look, I've been...

thinking about things, and I'm...

sort of wondering if you've

been thinking about things too.

I mean, I would

completely understand

if you never want to see me again,

of course I would, but...

( clears throat )

I was hoping that we could

maybe meet up.

So, I hope this finds you well.

Love to your mum.

Hello, Carol, if you're there.

Um, so, yeah,

call me when you can.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

( answering machine beeps )

No.

Oh, honey.

What men do

when they treat you like sh*t

is they feel bad.

Call it a**hole's remorse.

You just watch.

He's gonna make

some meaningless act of contrition,

one which you should

really consider accepting.

What's this?

I remembered you liked flowers.

Spring bouquet.

Don't ask me why,

but I've always been partial to flowers.

You want to send me

a Valentine's gift,

you can take your box of chocolates

and stick it up your ass.

I like flowers.

Nice girl, huh?

I might work with her.

It's... uh...

I just wanted to apologize, to--

She's lovely.

Like an antelope in a junkyard.

I didn't...

I didn't notice.

( toilet flushes )

Notice?

Give the flowers

to one of the neighbors.

Okay, we're declaring a truce.

Said truce shall be in effect

for exactly three weeks and four days,

at the end of which time

you will deliver to me a completed book,

the topic of which

will be a Christmas story

featuring Marty the Beaver.

This will avert legal action

against Mr. Henry Roth,

and entitle Ms. Lucy Riley

to a bonus of--

Of $5,000.

( Henry laughs )

Uh, wow, you really hit

the big time there, Lucy.

I'll be checking in on your progress.

What if we don't make any?

I may be forced to hire

another collaborator.

HENRY:
Cancel

all shrink appointments, haircuts,

highlightings, frostings.

Tell your boyfriend you're a dyke.

If you've got any pets, put 'em to sleep,

'cause the next three weeks we work.

I don't have a boyfriend.

Don't complain to me about it.

Hey!

Hey!

Can we just go ahead and get

the apology out of the way now?.

Yeah, I don't really do great at those.

You were awful to someone you don't

even know, to say nothing of me.

BOY:
I wanna go to the bathroom.

WOMAN:
Would you sit down

under the table like this

and shut the f*** up.

Okay, you're right, I admit it.

- What?

- I was awful, I apologize.

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