Dedication Page #4

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not how it works.

You can't apologize yet.

I'm just getting started.

- Oh, Jesus.

- ( indistinct arguing )

Okay, hey, you know,

whatever you want.

Look, I was wrong,

you're right, you know?.

Who cares?

I have to go to the bathroom!

WOMAN:
Are you crying?

Sit down.

You like that?

You want that to happen again?

Stop it. Are you a little girl,

or are you a little boy?

Just answer me that question.

Don't you...

Shut up. Shut up.

I guess I shouldn't expect

anything from you.

WOMAN:
Suck those tears in.

Suck them in right now.

I don't know why,

but I am in a breakfasty kind of mood.

WOMAN:

You just went to the bathroom.

- BOY:
I wanna go to the bathroom!

- Eggs.

- Over easy.

- ( hard slap )

Oh, Jesus, l...

If you go over there,

she's just gonna take that kid home

and beat the sh*t out of him

because of you.

You want that?

Hey, I didn't think of it that way.

You wanna go somewhere else?

( low)

No, I'm okay.

I do.

Get off.

Lacks a certain, um...

woman's touch.

There's no woman's touch here.

The ones that did touch

did so at their own peril.

Okay, uh, before we can, uh...

work effectively with one another,

I think we should be comfortable.

So, 1 0 minutes, okay?

Then-- then work.

Okay? Go.

Okay, I'll start.

Uh, I hate my mother.

I hate my goddamn dead father more.

Rudy was the only friend I ever had.

I had a girlfriend once who I used to like

to masturbate to more than have sex with.

Carrots and snakes frighten me.

Um...

I'm superstitious about the number...

I can only stir things counterclockwise,

and I know that if I don't

something bad will happen.

I take size 1 1 1/2 shoe.

I don't have a favorite book.

Oh...

What's crucial?

Oh, I don't drive or ride in cars.

Statistically speaking,

you have a 1 00% chance

of being in an accident in your lifetime.

They're death boxes.

I give to Amnesty international

on the off chance

I'm ever imprisoned and tortured

for my political beliefs.

Paradoxically,

I have no political beliefs.

Life is pain. Black kids

are cuter than white ones.

What's important?

I didn't mean it when

I compared you to our waitress.

I was only trying to hurt you.

I could've been

meaner about your looks,

and what I would have said

would have made you cry.

I have a towel I can't throw out

'cause it may have feelings.

When I ejaculate,

I go into deep depressions.

Though by any standard

you're a nice person,

I deeply resent

having to work with you.

I love...

Japanese monster movies.

Gamera, specifically.

Gamera movies?

Gamera

Gamera

Attention, everyone, take cover!

Gamera is attacking!

WOMAN:
An earthquake!

No, not an earthquake.

Gamera!

- He's coming, I tell you.

- We're not going anywhere!

I say we should stay here and dance!

How about it?

- ( all cheer)

- Gamera

Are you sure you had

a girlfriend once?

Are you all insane?

Hurry, get out of here!

Gamera

Gamera

So I have an ex-boyfriend,

ex-thesis advisor, Jeremy.

And we lived together for,

like, three years.

Anyway, he took a sabbatical...

- ( television volume increases )

-...from his professorsh--

( TV powers off )

You loved him, he left you,

you're never gonna get over him...

You thought he was complicated

because he once got a blow job

from a boy at boarding school.

Sex with you was tired,

and now he's having a blast

balling every woman in academia.

It's the gripe coming out of you

and almost every other woman

in the world.

One guy is not gonna take advantage.

Wow, I had no idea how prevalent

blow jobs were in boys' schools.

- Who are you calling?

- Arthur Planck's office, please.

Henry?

Your bonus sickens me.

It's a f***ing disgrace.

Oh, no, no.

No, don't do that.

Don't do that.

I'm okay.

I'm gonna give you

some money myself.

( TV powers on )

Rudy and I weren't in it

for the money, either.

Just the chicks.

VOICE:
Message one.

Hi, it's Jeremy.

Are you free tomorrow morning?

No.

Let me know. Okay.

Give us a call. Bye.

VOICE:
End of messages.

I finished my book.

It's coming out this Christmas.

Romanticism from Conception

to Misconception.

My editors think it's gonna be

this year's gift

for the big intellectual

snob in your life.

It's like, What To Get

for the Man Who Knows Everything.

I'm very happy for you.

An enormous advance.

F***.

And I've... well,

I thought what I should do--

What I wanted to do, was...

To use it to start a life with someone,

and, as you know, I'm very picky,

so I thought, who better

to start a life with--

- Lucky girl.

- Yeah.

I wanted to show you

a copy of the book,

a galley, but they're still

revising things on it.

( clears throat )

Do you know what the dedication is?

No.

I know you don't, but guess.

I don't know.

Well, it's to you. It says, "To Lucy.

My muse, my inspiration,

my window into beauty."

Wow.

I find it really funny that you had

to run away from this muse

to write the thing.

Were you with someone?

( low)

F***.

Yes, I was.

There was a girl.

Her name was Simone.

It lasted a few months.

- And I'm really f***ing sorry.

- Okay, enough.

Lucy, if you ask me a question,

I'm going to answer it,

and I'm going to answer it honestly.

I tell you, ask me if I love you.

Why don't you ask me that?

- Are you an a**hole?

- ( laughs )

Now that-- yeah.

I don't answer rhetorical ones.

What are you doing Friday night?

Working.

( clears throat )

Sounds dull.

What about The Marriage of Figaro

at the Met?

I don't know.

Call me on Friday afternoon.

They're 200 a pop.

Would you mind giving me a bit more

indication now if you're interested?

Why? Does Simone want to go?

Just let me think about it, okay?

I will. Thank you.

Okay, thanks.

Hey...

Thank you for the coffee.

Yeah, it's okay.

( clears throat )

You go anywhere special for inspiration?

Yeah.

Yeah, um, Jeremy and l

used to rent a house on the shore.

Oh, God, no,

not that kind of inspiration.

I'm talking about, like, a whorehouse

in Chinatown or a titty bar--

you know, somewhere

to connect you to reality.

God, it was so beautiful,

the ocean at night.

The sky was filled with a million stars.

I love the sound of the ocean,

the way it seemed to breathe and...

( chuckles )

And spend a few hours

looking for a shooting star and...

then make some corny wish on one.

( chuckles )

Okay, I'm gonna make a wish now.

I wish you'd stop talking.

We've got work to do,

and I ask you if anything inspires you,

and you start going on about you

and your dopey boyfriend at the beach?

You know what?

You don't always have to say

the first smart-ass thing

that pops in your head, Henry.

I know this probably means

nothing to you, but it's really unattractive.

It just makes you look weak

and fearful, not clever.

So f***in' knock it off.

FEMALE VOCALIST:

We sailed away on a winter's day

With fate as malleable as clay

But ships are fallible, I say

And the nautical,

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