Deep in the Heart of Texas: Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City

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He's in the trance.

He isn't thinking of jokes, though.

He's composing the voiceover

I'm saying to you right now.

Getting me to agree to this

was beyond his wildest dreams.

And he doesn't want to waste

the opportunity on the frivolous.

You have reached the voicemail

of comedic genius Dave Chappelle.

Unfortunately,

he can't or won't speak right now,

so please leave a detailed message.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

What's going on?

Good to see everybody out here tonight.

Thank you.

Hey, have a seat.

Everybody be comfortable and relax.

Oh, my gosh.

Good to be back in Austin, Texas.

It's good to know that plaid is back in.

Most of the dudes I meet

around these parts

are dressed like a dyke in New York,

so I'm glad to see that.

Man! F***ing Texas. This place is--

It's pretty good.

Pretty damn good.

I was in Santa Fe the other night,

and a motherf***er threw a banana peel

at me.

Yeah, that didn't feel so good.

Of course, it was a white person.

Not to indict the whites. I'm just saying.

Not to profile.

And then, not only did he throw

a banana peel at me, but...

it was premeditated. You could tell.

You could tell. The peel was too brown.

You know what I mean?

You didn't eat that banana recently,

motherf***er.

You had that sh*t waiting on me.

And the whole crowd was white,

so it just got instantly creepy,

and everyone looked like they were

looking at 12 Years a Slave.

They were all just like...

Who the f*** does that?

And then they arrested the guy,

which was...

I said, "Someone's gonna f*** you

in the butt in the holding cell.

You know that, right?

You can't just be throwing banana peels

at Dave Chappelle.

They're not gonna let you get away

with this."

And the press called me up like,

"Do you have a statement?"

"A statement?!

For a f***ing banana peel? No!

I don't have anything to say."

This guy was f***ing famous

for throwing a banana peel at me.

Twenty years from now,

he'll be tucking his kids into bed,

and the kids will be like,

"Daddy, tell me about the day

you threw that banana peel at that n*gger

in Santa Fe."

"Boy, I tell you what.

That black motherf***er had it coming.

I saw his name up on the marquee

about a week before.

I said, 'Man, if I could just get

close enough to meet him...

I'd throw a banana on that n*gger

and show him how--'"

F***ing Bananagate. I didn't even like--

I didn't even want to press charges.

This has happened to me before.

No, seriously. Not a banana.

I live in Ohio, right?

-So, this was a few winters ago.

Oh, I didn't know

you would ever clap for that.

Well, all right. That's the first time

that sh*t's ever happened.

"Ohio?!"

Anyway...

I live amongst the whites.

Small town in Ohio.

And it was wintertime,

and it had snowed recently,

so there's huge snowdrifts on the street.

I was walking with my sister.

Now, my sister was dressed

in all Muslim garb,

as were her children,

and I was dressed as Dave Chappelle.

And we were walking

and just talking about something,

and a car sped around the corner,

and the window came down,

and somebody threw a snowball

and hit me right in my shoulder.

I didn't know what was going on.

Why was this happening?

Because I'm black? Because she's Muslim?

Because I'm Dave Chappelle?

I couldn't tell.

But, again, I knew it was premeditated.

Because who the f*** has a snowball

in a warm car?

But he didn't think it

all the way through, lady.

Because he went around the corner

and got stopped at a red light.

He was caught in the traffic.

So, I ran out into the street,

and I just tapped on his window.

"My man, could I just talk to you guys

for a second?

Come on out for one second.

I just want to talk to you."

There's four young white dudes in the car.

They're like, "Just chill, bro."

I said, "Relax. I just want to talk."

Now, this is an old black trick.

Really, I didn't want to talk.

I was gonna f*** 'em up.

So, if you're ever caught in traffic,

and a black guy starts saying

he just wants to talk to you,

don't open the door.

Even if he's me, smiling at you.

And they were like,

"Chill, bro. Just chill."

And the one guy in the back seat--

I don't know what,

he was just cockier than his friends.

He was like, "F*** it, man!

I'll get out the car!"

And I started yanking on his door.

"Let me help you, motherf***er.

Let me just help you out."

And I didn't notice his window was down.

And he threw a snowball,

that sh*t hit me right in my chest. Pow!

He said, "F*** you, you f***ing n*gger!"

And then the light turned green

and they sped off.

And I smiled from ear to ear.

I looked at my sister,

and she said, "I got the plates."

And I was happy as sh*t because

throwing a snowball at a motherf***er

is a misdemeanor assault.

But if you call him a n*gger

when you do it,

that's a felony hate crime.

And me and my sister start dancing.

"We're gonna send this motherf***er

to jail!"

I didn't notice it,

but while I was yelling at him,

a crowd of all-white people had formed,

'cause it was an all-white town.

And I was like, "Uh-oh."

I thought I was gonna get jumped.

Then one of them white guys stepped up

and was like, "I didn't like that at all.

This is not what this town represents.

I don't want this goddamn stuff

in my vicinity."

And another white guy was like,

"Yeah! I didn't like it, either!"

And then an old white guy stepped out

of the crowd and said,

"Young man, if you're going to fill out

a police report,

I would like to come with you

and do the same."

I said, "You guys would do that for me?"

And the whole crowd said, "Hooray!"

I said, "Come on, y'all!"

I looked like Malcolm X

going to see Brother Johnson

with a trail of white people.

Unreal. An hour later,

we were all sitting in the police station,

and the police came in.

They were like, "Well, Mr. Chappelle...

sixteen identical police reports.

We ran the tags. Two young men

that had their mother's car.

We have all four suspects in holding,

and the mother is here.

It's up to you. Whatever you want to do.

If you want to press charges,

we'll move forward.

Mr. Chappelle, are you okay?"

"Huh?

Sorry about that, Officer.

I'm a little flustered.

I've never been in a position

where I could decide the fate

of white children before.

But...

it's weighing heavy on me, sir.

And I really can't decide."

And I saw a lady pacing back and forth

in the hallway,

and I said, "Is that--"

He goes, "Yes, that's their mother."

"Can I speak to her

before I make a decision?"

And when the mom came in

and she saw it was me,

she busted out crying.

"Oh, God. Oh, no.

I don't want him to go to jail.

I am so sorry.

I didn't raise him to do this.

We love your comedy.

We love you at the house."

I said, "Miss, please, just--

All right, look.

I don't necessarily want your son

to go to jail, either.

But what he did was pretty f***ed up.

So, is there something we can do,

short of jail,

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