Defendor

Arthur?

Arthur.

Yeah.

Are you thinking about the question?

Are you Japanese?

No.

Mieko Tatsuri is Japanese.

Who is Mieko Tatsuri?

She's the leader of Blowback.

Her father is a ninja and her mother

is an alien from the gamma sector.

Okay. Well, I'm Korean.

From Earth.

Is that going to be on the test?

No. There's no test.

Well, I thought...

I thought I was being tested.

No. This is an evaluation, Arthur.

It's different than a test.

Can we get back to the question?

Okay. Why did you assault

Mr. Debrofkowitz?

Debrofkowitz.

Debrofkowitz. Debrofkowitz?

You smashed up

his dry cleaning business.

Top secret.

Look out, termites.

It's squishing time.

There's a couple of options here.

1, the cops in this town

are incompetent.

2, they're underfunded,

and that's a real possibility.

And 3, they're crooked.

How do you think this city got

its nickname, "Hammertown"?

How about some fricking music?

F*** you.

I like this guy.

I'm sure you do.

He's a dink.

Are you going to work for it or

are you going to pay for it?

What's this?

It's like a present.

You have to wrap it.

No, no. That's not going

to work for me, honey.

Yeah, well, using nothing's

not going to work for me. So...

Who the f*** do you

think you're talking to?

What was that?

What was that?

Wait. Hey, where you going?

Garbage days.

Remember the garbage days.

Stop! You're hurting my arm.

Well, that's just an occupational

hazard, honey.

Stop, Dooney!

Chill the f*** out! Come on.

Come on. Let's just do this slow.

We can make it last.

Yeah. That's what I want.

Okay, relax!

That's what I want.

Okay.

Do it slow. That's it.

Make it last. That's it.

Hey, there's been

a misunderstanding.

Step out of the car, please.

Hey, buddy, that's my line.

Chuck Dooney, Drug Squad.

Who the f*** are

you supposed to be?

Your worst nightmare.

Go on. Make like a rocket.

Take off.

You messed up.

I want Captain Industry.

Who?

Listen, fuckhead!

I don't know who you talking about.

Wrong answer.

There you go, hon.

Just taking a break.

Then I'm going to get back to work.

To all officers. White male, 6 feet tall,

dressed in black tights

with silver trim.

Wanted on a 245A.

There you go. Assaulting an officer

with a deadly weapon.

Thank you.

Apprehend with caution.

Hey, partner?

Cream and sugar, Mikey.

Cream and sugar.

Get your f***ing hands up right now!

Put that coffee down...

Let's f***ing go.

Behind your head, come on! Let's go!

Is that the camera?

Yeah, which feeds into this VCR.

That business with Dooney.

Is he pressing charges?

No, no. He says he wants it

done the old-fashioned way.

Course he does.

Stupid dumb cops.

Dumb stupid cops.

Name?

No, he stonewalled me.

Captain, this guy is pretty funny.

He says he wants to call a truce.

A vigilante?

No. No, he's a superhero.

He calls himself Defendor.

And that's with an O-R, Captain.

It's not an E-R. Defendor.

And he flips out if you get that wrong.

It's very bizarre.

Commissioner, this is outrageous.

Yeah. Yeah, sure it is.

Why don't you calm

down and have a seat?

My grandfather fought in

the trenches in the Great War.

I remember him showing me

one of these.

Was your grandfather

an infantryman?

Yes, he was.

Probably passed on to his

reward now, hasn't he?

It's 20...

I wonder if your grandfather

and my grandfather

bumped into each other up there.

What did you say his name was?

Henry Poppington.

Wouldn't surprise me.

Pretty sturdy

weapon you got here.

It has the blood

of a thousand Germans on it.

Does it have the blood of an

undercover policeman on it?

You strike one of

my officers with this?

No.

When you break the law,

you're a punk.

When you break the law with a badge,

you're a punk with a badge.

I don't strike officers.

Punks? Different story.

Well, you strike me as

a man of great integrity.

Great men know

each other by name.

Roger Fairbanks.

Arthur Poppington.

Sir, nice work in there.

Very Columbo.

Yeah, run Arthur Poppington through

the system, see what comes up.

Confiscate his trench club,

give him back his marbles

and the rest of this stuff,

and send him on his way?

All right,

so here's your marbles.

Stay out of trouble,

all right?

Trouble has a way of following me.

Where's my trench club?

No, forget about that.

Just run along and get

some sleep, Defendor.

There are at least 8 ways

to break out of this dump.

I'm taking the front door.

I think, for a large portion of your life,

you've been misunderstood.

And now, at this stage,

more people...

Okay. Okay, you sit.

You sit down. Okay.

Okay. Do you remember

what we were talking about?

Let me assure you, Arthur,

that whatever you say here

is for the judge's ears only.

And mine, of course.

Totally classified?

Totally.

Seriously, on my drive home,

I go through these neighborhoods.

I see these girls out there.

They can't be more than 16 years old.

Do you think I'm joking?

I'm not.

What is this, Thailand?

Because if we're going to stand for this,

hell, let's advertise.

"Come on down to the Hammer

and have sex with our children."

At least that way we'll

bring in the tourists.

All right, let's go to the tribal brain

trust and see what's out there.

Line 3, go ahead.

You should be ashamed of yourself

to suggest exploiting those poor girls.

It's disgusting.

Lady, it's called sarcasm.

Hello? Hello?

All right, she hung up.

Next caller, you're on the air.

F***ing guy!

Come on, man! I'm just talking.

Get the f*** out of here!

Come on! I'm just

messing with you, man!

Come here.

I'm gonna kill you, Dooney!

You got to learn how to

laugh a little bit, Cliff!

Lighten up! Hey. Hey.

Now, what are you doing

with our wall over here?

Somebody call the police!

Police! Help, police!

We're sick and tired

of having people like you

deface our city walls!

Why don't you pick on

someone your own size?

Boys, this is...

This is the retard that

I was telling you about.

I thought they got you.

Did they...

Why don't you let the kid go?

Who writes your dialog?

Superman?

No. I write it myself.

You know what?

You need a good ghost writer.

Somebody with talent.

No.

You need a ghost writer.

'Cause that's what you're going

to be after I pulverize you.

What? What's that?

A jar.

Duh. So, what is it supposed to do?

Very little.

Except contain

a swarm of angry wasps.

Get the f***ing retard!

Come on! Lights on, Dog!

Lights!

Lights, Dog. Lights on, Dog.

Lights on!

Lights! Lights on!

I said lights on!

Who wants to go first?

Okay then.

Why don't I go first?

My f***ing elbow.

Fay! Come on, let's go!

Just give me a second.

I want to say goodbye.

Hey, Arthur.

Hey, smelly.

Hey.

Wake up. Wake up.

You gotta get up. Come on.

I'm going to go away for awhile.

Make some cash.

Come on. You can do it. There you go.

You can do it. You can do it.

Good job. Good job.

When are you coming back?

Soon, little man. Grandpa's

going to take care of you.

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