Definitely, Maybe

Can I get you

to sign right here, please?

Okay. Here you go.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

Hi, Will. Package for you.

I don't think anyone ever imagines

on their wedding day

they'll be part of the 46%

that doesn't live happily ever after.

Will?

Just heard we got the Quaker Oats account.

Way to go.

You must be completely psyched.

Then again,

I never thought I'd spend my days,

weeks and years working

in an advertising agency

trying to figure out how to get kids to eat

Cap'n Crunch instead of Froot Loops.

But Tuesdays and Fridays

are my favorite days.

I get out of work early, and I go pick up

my daughter, Maya, from school.

Now, it's a great feeling when you find

the right track to go with the day.

And today, I have found

the absolute perfect song.

B*tches, they can kiss my...

The other perfect song.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

But sometimes, no matter

how carefully you plan your playlist,

there is no right track for what awaits you.

- Come on, come on!

- Hey, what's going on?

Will, did you know there was gonna be

a sex ed class today?

Aren't they kind of young?

- Yeah! It was a total disaster.

- At least it got them reading.

There's a book!

"The 250 million sperm are ejaculated

"and begin their treacherous journey

towards the fallopian tubes!

"One hundred million are wiped

out instantly..."

I'm gonna find Maya.

Do you still have sex with Daddy?

- What are you talking about?

- Do you?

- You know, we will go home and talk...

- You do, don't you?

- We will go home and talk about this.

- I hate you, I hate you!

Stop pulling on me! I am trying

to get to the bottom of something!

We need to talk.

Which is when the man

removes his penis from his pajamas

and thrusts it into a woman's vagina...

Okay, but Mrs. Gallagher

didn't actually say "thrust."

- Yeah.

- Oh.

But what I don't understand,

Sammy Boigon's sister said

he was an accident.

I mean, how do you accidentally

thrust a penis into... Hi, Luis.

- Hey.

- How do you accidentally...

Stop saying "penis" and "thrust."

Just say "tinkle part" or "wee-wee."

Something cute.

- Explain how Sammy was an accident.

- That's complicated.

- Penis! Penis.

- Okay. All right, that's enough.

Okay, they...

It's not like his dad slipped

on a banana peel.

The accident was that Sammy's mom

got pregnant.

If they didn't want a baby,

then how come they had sex?

That's a very good question.

I guess you could say

that they were rehearsing.

- Was I an accident?

- No.

- I was, wasn't I?

- No.

You were completely and totally on purpose.

I knew exactly what I was getting into.

I think you should tell me

the story of you and my mom.

Why do you keep saying "my mom"

like I've never met her?

Well, because now that

you're getting divorced,

she's mine, not yours.

- Is that so?

- Tell me how it happened.

And the real story, not the,

"Oh, we met, we fell in love,

"and we decided to take all that love

"and make a family,

and that's how we made you."

You know something?

I'm gonna tell you the real, true story

of how me and your mother met.

- When I'm old enough.

- Yep.

- Look. I know love isn't a fairytale.

- Really?

Really.

Did you have another girlfriend

before you met her?

Come on, tell me the truth.

I had two serious girlfriends.

And then some other,

a smattering of other women that I dated.

You know.

What?

What's the boy word for slut?

They still haven't come up with one yet,

but I'm sure they're working on it.

You a vegetarian this week or not?

- Yeah, I am.

- Great.

I'm guessing

you weren't her first boyfriend.

Maybe it was some nerdy guy,

or maybe he was mean.

Or maybe

you were friends for the longest time,

and then just when you were

about to put your penis

into somebody else's vagina...

Okay. Good night, Maya.

...you realized Mom

was the only one for you!

Bedtime!

You still have to tell me

the story of why you fell in love with her.

I fell in love with her because

she was smart and beautiful and fun.

So now she's stupid and ugly and boring?

- Of course not.

- Then what's the problem?

- It's complicated, Maya.

- Everything with you is so complicated.

I bet that if you just told me the story,

you'd realize that it's not complicated at all.

That you just love her.

I know this is tough for you,

but what are you thinking?

That I'm gonna tell you this story

and it's gonna make everything better?

It doesn't work that way.

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.

Tell me and we'll find out.

No. Game over. It's time for bed.

No, it's not time for bed!

It's time for you to tell me the story!

- Maya.

- I need to know!

I need to know.

Fine! Fine!

I'm gonna tell you the story,

- but I'm not telling you who your mom is.

- Fine.

You're just gonna have

to figure it out for yourself.

- Good.

- And I'm changing all the names

and some of the facts,

but I just decided that right now.

- And then we'll see how smart you are.

- I like it. It's like a love story/mystery.

- Great. Sounds good. You ready?

- No.

No.

- Take your time.

- I will.

- I know you will.

- You go here.

- Princess pillow?

- Thank you.

- You bet.

- Okay.

I'm ready.

Once upon a time,

before e-mails and cell phones

and reality television shows,

in 1992 to be exact,

in a little town called Madison, Wisconsin,

there lived a young man

named William Hayes.

- Hey, Will, man, Happy New Year.

- Hey, yeah, you, too.

Now, this young man was deeply,

deeply in love with his college sweetheart.

Let's call her...

- Emily!

- Emily!

Emily!

- Hey.

- Hi.

Ten, nine, eight...

Hey, guess who's gonna be the luckiest guy

on planet Earth in about four seconds?

You.

two, one!

Happy New Year!

They were a perfect couple.

Except to really understand

how this young man

ended up marrying your mother,

you'll also need to know

that he had a very big,

incredibly embarrassing dream.

All rise

for the President

of the United States of America,

William

Matthew

Hayes.

You wanted to be President?

I'm just, I don't understand why you have

to work for Clinton in New York.

Why can't you just work for him in Madison?

Well, because they don't need me here.

They need me in New York.

They need him, Em. Will's the man.

I can't believe you're letting him go.

I mean, don't you know

about New York girls?

Besides being incredibly hot,

they have no problem with casual sex,

which by the way, I totally respect.

- What if Charlie's right?

- Charlie's never right.

- He's functionally retarded.

- I am worried New York's gonna change you.

- Change can be good.

- If we change together.

So, we'll change together.

Okay? It's two months in New York.

I'll be back before you know it.

Besides, we have a plan, right?

The other thing I can't believe is that

you'd risk leaving Emily here with me,

'cause I gotta tell you,

I've always had a thing for you...

And I have absolutely no scruples.

Wait! I almost forgot.

You have to give this to Summer.

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