Definitely, Maybe Page #2

She's the only girl I know in New York.

- I want you to meet her.

- Summer Hartley?

- Yes. Yes.

- That's her name?

She was on my exchange program

at Cambridge,

and all the guys wanted to sleep with her,

and you probably will, too.

Maybe you should mail it to her.

- That might be a better idea.

- No.

What is it?

Something I should have

sent her a long time ago.

I love you, William Hayes.

Okay. Go, go, go. Go be your brilliant self.

Emily sounds like she would

make a good mom.

- I just don't know if she's my mom.

- Why not?

Everyone knows that the girlfriend

in the beginning of the story

always gets dumped.

Which means maybe

Summer Hartley is my mother.

I'll never forget that day.

There I was, arriving in the city

I always dreamed about

to work on a campaign

that I believed in with all of my heart.

And on top of that,

I was positive that in just a few hours,

the campaign manager would realize

how brilliant I was.

And then I'd be writing speeches,

and then I'd be coming up with strategy,

and before long...

Will Hayes?

- Hey. Gareth Henderson.

- You're Gareth.

- Hey, how are you?

- Nice to meet you. We're walking, Hayes.

I brought my C.V. and a sample of some

speeches I wrote for Congressman Sweeney.

Fantastic. I cannot wait to peruse these

in my abundant spare time.

In the meantime, here's a sample

of the coffee and bagel order

I'll need filled immediately.

Wait!

You want me to get coffee?

At some point in our lives, we all get coffee.

Your time's now. Come on.

We're still walking, Hayes.

Have the coffee here by 10:00,

or Arthur's gonna kill me!

That means I'm gonna have to kill you.

I've killed before, Hayes.

- You should know that.

- What is this?

That is a cellular telephone

so I can get a hold of you wherever,

whenever, for whatever.

- Can somebody get me an aspirin, please?

- Watch it!

Glad to have you aboard, Hayes!

- Hi.

- What? Hi.

Four weeks from now,

voters of New York State

will select their next Democratic nominee

for President.

Now, if Bill Clinton wins,

I want you to all understand

that it's gonna be as a direct result

of the commitment and the energy

of every person in this room.

And I mean that. That's just a fact.

Now, that's how important the work is.

That each and every one of you is...

What am I doing here?

It's the new guy.

- Hey.

- Hey, is that the toilet paper guy?

- Can I get a pack of Morley Red, please?

- 3.25.

in Madison, Wisconsin.

So go back to Madison.

- Don't forget to write.

- That's right. Don't forget to write.

Hold it! Stop. Stop right there!

You smoked?

No. Yeah.

But I didn't mean to tell you that.

Listen. I was young, and I was stupid,

and I haven't smoked in years.

I promise you.

Is there anything else you should tell me?

Probably not.

- Can I get 10 copies?

- Put them on the pile.

No, they're for Arthur.

I need them like, 15 minutes ago.

So if you wouldn't mind...

You're the toilet paper guy.

Wait. Who's that?

- That's April.

Yes. I am, in fact, the toilet paper guy,

but feel free to call me

the bagel-and-coffee guy.

Or Todd in Accounting calls me Crystal,

which I'm pretty sure is a girl's name.

- How many copies?

- Ten. Please.

- These?

- Yeah, both of those.

What made you become

a Bill Clinton supporter?

I'm not. This is a money gig.

I get paid 12 an hour,

which is better than babysitting, which is

what I've been doing way too much of.

You're a Democrat, right?

Why does everyone have to be

a Democrat or a Republican?

I'm struggling with the copy machine.

No, hold on.

You're an Independent, aren't you?

I am nothing.

Why am I obligated to be something?

Why do I have to have an opinion

about everything anyway?

I mean, really,

what do I know about missile systems

or Social Security, or the tax code?

What about civil rights or women's rights?

A woman's right to do what she wants

with her body? What about that?

I do what I want with my body.

That's apathetic.

- I'm not apathetic.

- Yes, you are.

I'm not. I just know that these bozos

you're working for,

they don't care about anything more

than their own ambitions.

That's absolutely not true.

You think this guy, Bill Clinton,

is gonna make a huge difference?

- I do.

- He's gonna do what's already inevitable.

- Okay, that's where you're wrong.

- Don't make me staple your head!

You're wrong. He's gonna make

a difference with African Americans.

He's gonna make a difference with women.

He gets women.

- My God.

- I mean, look at his record in Arkansas.

Read his plans on health care.

Read his plans on education.

- Okay, or don't. You know, yeah.

- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- I just fell asleep.

- I'm really sorry.

- Yeah. That's fine.

Wake up to a new America.

- I believe you.

- This has been really interesting.

- Fine. You convinced me. You're nothing.

- I'm nothing.

So I'm here to repeat in front of all of you...

Hey! Listen up! Look up, everybody!

Yes, I was Bill Clinton's lover for 12 years.

Hey, somebody turn it up.

For the past two years, I have lied to the

press about our relationship to protect him.

The truth is, I loved him.

Now he tells me to deny it.

Well, I'm sick of all of the deceit,

and I'm sick of all of the lies.

Well, you're right about one thing.

He certainly gets women.

- This has been fun. Yeah.

- Bye, toilet paper guy.

Bye, copy girl.

Oh, my God. It never ends.

They just keep playing it

over and over and over again.

It's gonna blow over.

- Right.

People don't really care about this stuff.

- That's the thing.

- What I don't understand,

I've heard Bush has a mistress.

Everybody's talking about it, so why

is it okay for him and not for Clinton?

She's trashy.

I mean, her hair alone

is enough reason to go after Clinton.

Big deal. Everyone has their weaknesses,

you know?

Those chubby redheads

with the long, fake fingernails?

- That's what Daddy likes.

- That's just nasty.

Gareth, you are unfailingly repugnant.

Hey. That is a coincidence. I love women

that say "unfailingly repugnant."

You know what I love?

I love long-haired brunettes

with horn-rimmed glasses.

I have no idea why.

They're like kryptonite to me.

I got that one, too.

I got a thing for guys

who've got a thing for me.

You might wanna look at that.

I'm gonna propose a toast.

I am fine with that.

- To Bill and his weaknesses.

- Yes.

- To Bill.

- To Bill.

Hello?

Hey! It's me!

- Is that Emily?

- Is that Emily?

- Hi, Emily!

- Hi, Emily!

What's all that noise?

Nothing. That's just a couple of idiots

I work with making fun of me

because they don't have a beautiful

girlfriend that they're eternally devoted to!

You're drunk.

You're beautiful.

- You're horny.

- You might be right.

Emily? Come to New York.

You'll love it here.

It's the energy, the people. It's amazing.

Whoa, did you just say "energy"?

Will, you did not just say "energy."

What?

You're never coming back.

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