Demon Headmaster

Scene 1:
Intro

Jessie:
Oh, I’m so glad we got those scholarships! I didn’t think I was good at music so when I heard…

Becky:
Yes you’ve said that an a thousand times.

Jessie:
Well it’s just as true now as it was the other thousand times I’ve said it.

Becky:
We’re finally here. The O’Connell School for Intelligent children or The OCSIC.

Jessie:
Oh, I can’t believe we got those scholarships! I really didn’t think…

Becky:
Jessiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Jessie:
Yes.

Becky:
Please stop saying that.

Jessie:
Oh, right. Ooooooooooohhhhhh! Look. There’s the office!

Becky:
Let’s go check-in. Run to office.

Becky:
Hello Mrs Winterston. My name is Becky Parish and this is Jessie Nunan. I won a scholarship for mathematics and Jessie won one for music.

Mrs Winterston:
Yes. You are to see the head master at once. Mrs Winterston leads out and walks straight-backed to around office building back to office. Mr Hardy pretends to be headmaster. Mrs Winterston knocks.

Mr Hardy:
Come in. Looks to Mrs W. Leave us, please. Mrs W does so. Now girls. I need you to do these tests. Mr Hardy hands us test papers. We do them. Now girls. You are pretty smart.

Becky:
I know that I got a scholarship for maths so it’s pretty right for me to do a test but Jessie? She’s here for music. Why would she do a test? It’s got nothing to do with music.

Mr Hardy:
It is for me to know and you to do. You girls look tired. Really tired.

Jessie:
But I had a great sleep last night. I feel more awake than ever before.

Mr Hardy:
But, no. You are really sleepy. Your eyelids feel like lead. You cannot hold them any longer. Girl’s heads droop.

Mr Hardy:
Really sleepy….

Scene 2:
Intermission

Becky:
There’s something off and I’m going to find out what it is, no matter what it takes. We will succeed in our mission and not give up.

Jessie:
Hey, I’m not really an action packed type of person but, I think this should stop. It’s just not right.

Music

Scene 3:
The Discovery

In classroom. Bell rings. All students stand in unison silently. Teacher nods to students. Walk out of classroom. Get food and go to dining hall. Go to the only table with people talking.

Becky:
Well that was weird. You are here for music and I’m here for maths. We both had to do English.

Mr Hardy:
New girls are to see me in my office immediately. Girls walk to office.

Mr Hardy:
You must practice your English, girls.

Becky:
But we’re not here for English. I’m here for mathematics and Jessie’s here for music.

Mr Hardy:
Girls, When I named this school, I named it O’Connell School for Smart Children as in smart at everything.

Becky:
Then why….

Mr Hardy:
It is for me to know and you to not. Bell Rings. Teacher telling 5/6 to go to the hall. You girls had better get to the hall. Girls walk to hall.

Scene 4:
The Hall

[Girls enter the hall. Teacher announces the headmaster. Mr Hardy enters].

Mr Hardy:
Welcome students. Please listen to my words. Look in my eyes to show you are listening.

Teacher:
All eyes on the headmaster.

Kids:
yes yes, yes Mr Hardy

Jessie:
I am going to the loo

Becky:
I need to go too

Jessie:
[walk to teacher ask to go to the loo and walk out]

Techer:
the new kids have gone to the loo

Mr Hardy:
all you kids listen up we need to take control of the new kids and if we don’t we hunt them out. Got that?

Kids:
yes, yes we will get them.

[Jessie and Becky walk back in]

Mr Hardy:
as I was saying they will be a new student arriving tomorrow so everyone must be nice and kind to her. Her name is Iggy.

Scene 5:
Meeting Iggy

The next day….

Girls walk into dining hall with ‘Iggy’. Sit at clear table.

Iggy:
Thanks for letting me join your bunch. Everyone else is really… (Pause) creepy. ‘Ey, can I have some of that. It looks deeeeeeeelicious!

Jessie:
Sure. (Jessie hands food to Iggy)

Iggy:
If you ask me, I reckon the headmaster hypnotises everyone.

Becky:
You’ve got it! It was on the tip of my tongue! Thanks sooooooo much!

Jessie:
But how will we get rid of him for, like, forever?

.All students but Iggy & Girls stand up and march to quad. They pick up Iggy. Iggy tries not to be carried unsuccessfully. Becky and Jessie run after them.

Scene 6:
The Deal

Becky & Jessie: Hey, put Iggy down! Etc.

Crowd take Iggy to headmaster. Others hold girls back.

Mr Hardy:
You must do what I want you too exactly. You must win the Great Bobtail School Quiz. Then I’ll have one minute to talk to the camera, or in this case, hypnotise the everyone.

Iggy:
Don’t worry about me.

Becky:
What do you want?

Mr Hardy:
The Eddie Hair School Quiz. Win it.

Becky:
OK.

Becky’s eyes drop.

Mr Hardy:
Take them away.

Kids group around Girls and Iggy. Walk away.

Scene 7:
The Eddie Hair School Quiz

Movement. Setting up show. Iggy surrounded by hypnotised children. Willy Calmdown starts crazy dancing. End dance after a minute.

Willy calmdown:
Hello and welcome… wait, wait, and wait. What’s with this? Ahh! Get away evil spaghetti!

Willy Calmdown throws pepper at ‘Evil Spaghetti’. Put pepper in front of Becky.

‘Evil spaghetti’ walk off. Mr Hardy look like he’ll be sick.

Willy Calmdown:
Now. Let me guess. This is… THE EDDIE HAIR SCHOOL QUIZ! This where I get two teachers and their top students. Then I ask crazy questions and boom! They get one whole minute to blab on whatever they want. Last week they blabbed entirely on donuts! Isn’t that just… grossly yum, yum.

Lick lips. Weird look.

Willy Calmdown:
Let’s get this show on the road. Like not really but… Hey we’ve got a purple pineapple so. Let’s go. Over here we’ve got O’Connell School for intelligent children. Wowzers. What a name. How are you goin’ mate.

Willy leans to Mr Hardy. Mr Hardy is silent and grumpy faced. Willy chuckles.

Willy Calmdown:
Over here we have Manor Road Public school. Interesting name. Okay, the O’Connell school will go first. Whoever gets the most questions right, they will win and they’ll get a whole minute to blab. OK, first question, we have six-hundred rubber chickens, BOK BOK (chuckle) but I also have three elastic trains. Is that possible? Anyway, each chicken goes in a train. How many in each train?

Becky:
Two hundred.

Willy Calmdown:
Correct. Manor Road’s question…

Blur

Willy Calmdown:
Oooh. The tensions killing me. Will it be a tie?

Headmaster frowns and focuses on a boy from MR.

Willy Calmdown:
Manor Road. I have 199 sevens. All on top of another. Tell me the last four digits. But here’s the catch folks. I won’t tell him the last number or anything. Come on, Brains.

Manor Road Boy:
I, I don’t know.

Buzzer goes off.

Willy Calmdown:
Ooooh. It’s still 9-9. Everything depends on the last question. Ahh. I can’t stand it. Last question. O’Connell. The King Zizi of Zanzibar has 100 children. Thirty percent have curly noses. Seventy two percent have leg problems and ninety percent are fat. How many fat, curly nosed children does he have?

Becky:
Thirty.

Willy Calmdown:
Correct. The home team win! Hey. Your school just won. Aren’t they meant to be cheering?

Headmaster:
They can cheer if you want them to.

Headmaster raises hand. Audience cheers and claps. Headmaster lowers hand. Silence.

Willy Calmdown:
Nice setup there. Glad teachers don’t rule the country. It would be like having school everywhere. It’s your turn to speak.

Becky looks worried. Grasp pepper.

Mr Hardy stands in front of camera.

Mr Hardy:
I’ll tell you how I do it. If you look into my eyes I’ll say. It is terrible, all this mess. Strange you feel so sleepy. Sooo sleepy.

Everyone looks sleepy. Iggy jumps up and points to pepper pot. Yelling. (no sound) Becky looks at pepper pot. Throw pepper at headmaster. Headmaster stops and sneezes lots and lots. Audience laughs. Headmaster storms out. Everyone waves to the camera.

Credits, etc.

The End.

Rate this script:4.7 / 3 votes