Demon Knight

I did it, Jack. I did it.

And you know what?

It got me hot.

No, I'm not kidding.

You should have seen the look on Carl's

face when I buried that ax in his chest.

Ohh! Killing him was almost

better than sex.

I said almost, didn't I?

Ohhh! We are going

to have so much fun...

...spending all of his money,

aren't we, baby?

Oooh! Just thinking

about it gets me all...

...hot and squishy.

You mean right now?

He's in the basement

cooling off.

What took you so long?

Jesus, Jack, what kind

of cologne...

Cut!

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

What the hell are you doing?

You call that "hack-ting"?

Well, yes,

I do call it acting.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're no "Gorey" Cooper.

You ain't even

a Robert "Deadford. "

Another take like that and it'll

be back to bit parts for you.

And I won't say what bits

I'm talking about.

Huh! All right,

everybody. Reset!

Reset, guys.

Director?

Where the hell did

they dig this guy up?

I give and I give and I...

Oh!

Hello, kiddies.

So glad you could join me.

Your old pal the Crypt Keeper

has gone Hollywood in a big way.

Care to see what I've been

working on?

So if you're ready, creeps,

fasten your drool cups...

...and hold on to

your vomit bags.

We're going to the movies!

Frights! Camera!

Action!

I call this one...

Come on!

Son of a b*tch!

Come on,

you son of a b*tch!

Oh, sh*t!

Damn!

What ya doin', mister?

- Are you stealing my daddy's car?

- Stealin'?

No, I was testing the lock.

Seems to be working just fine.

You want a quarter?

How about a shiny new quarter?

You want one?

Dad, there's a guy outside

stealing your car!

Hey, Dad, hurry up.

Get out here!

Homer, go!

He's gone.

Boy, listen

to that thunder.

God's doing some

serious thinking tonight.

I'll bet he's saying...

"On second thought, maybe I should

have given it all to the monkeys. "

- Maybe it's not to late.

- I always hate drinking alone. You want a taste?

Sure.

To the monkeys.

It ain't very subtle,

but it does the trick.

You wouldn't happen to know of a place

where I could bed down, would you?

Well, it just

so happens, I do.

That's two cars, Sheriff?

That's right, Mavis.

One of 'em's got Maryland plates,

and the other one's from New Jersey.

Ten-four.

Ten-four.

You were right, Sheriff.

Them sons of b*tches must have

been doing well over a hundred.

Well, Bob, it's too late

to give them a ticket.

But, if it'll make you feel any

better, you can shoot their ashes.

What the...

Holy sh*t!

Hey, mister,

get away from there.

Where the hell you come

from? This is my car.

Was my car.

Did you see him?

Walking into town,

the guy I was chasing?

Air bags, gotta love 'em.

Did you see him?

- We didn't see anybody.

- Now wait a minute.

Are you telling me that guy over

there walked out of here too?

Where you goin'? You got

a few questions to answer.

Look, Officers, the man

I'm chasing is dangerous.

If he's in your town,

you got a problem.

We stand here arguing about a

traffic accident... Do you mind?

Something awful's about

to go down... Over there.

Is that where we're going?

It looks like a church.

That's it.

Used to be a church.

Ain't a church no more.

They decommissioned it in the

'50s, due to lack of interest.

Just the place

I've been looking for.

Gangway, I'm bringing

in business.

What kind of business?

I think he's looking for

a room of his own, Cordelia.

You been drinking,

Uncle Willy?

- I'm clean as a whistle, Irene.

- How long you wanting the room?

I don't know. One night,

maybe two. Depends.

I never rent short-term,

and I don't rent to strangers.

But I can make exceptions.

Okay.

Enjoy your stay,

Mr...

Mr. Smith.

Jeryline! Jeryline!

Jeryline, I mean now!

I'm trying

to clean your stove.

How do you expect me to get my

work done if you keep bothering me?

You've been working so hard

with them clean rubber gloves?

Show Mr. Smith

up to number five.

And then fix him some dinner.

And after that, I got

a few more jobs for you.

This time I'm gonna

watch you.

I want it right the first time,

and that's all there is to it.

It's my way

or the highway.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

What do I need to tell you?

What am I looking at?

Which way is town?

Town is that way,

and you're looking at nothing.

But I'm sure you didn't come here

for a view. But here's your key.

And the concierge will bring up

your bags momentarily.

I don't see how they could

fire you, Wally.

That's what

I told them.

Cordelia, I don't know what

happened to all that mail.

It just disappeared,

but they won't believe me.

God! It's so humiliating.

Do you know what he did?

Uh-uh.

Postmaster comes in...

...and he rips my name tag

right off my shirt.

Right in front

of everybody.

And like that's not bad enough,

he took my Mr. Zippy patch.

You should have told your

damn boss to go screw himself.

Stupid post office.

Ain't the only job in town.

The hell it ain't.

If you had any sense, Wally...

...you'd crawl back to him

and beg for the job.

Yeah, well,

I already tried that.

He said no.

Oh, poor Wally.

Where is that girl?

Jeryline!

- What is it?

- Are my sheets done yet?

They're downstairs. And I couldn't

get all those stains out, either.

Damn guacamole.

Will you put them

on my bed for me?

- Why can't you do it yourself? You know I'm busy.

- Get her sheets, will you?

No, I just started that stove.

I can't do everything at once.

I'll get them for you,

Cordelia.

Good. Damn.

That's very sweet of you,

Wally.

Put them on your bed?

Thanks.

Oh, poor guy.

Maybe I should give him

a freebie.

Just what he needs,

someone else screwing him.

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't

watching the speedometer.

- Exactly why were you chasing him?

- He's a thief.

What the hell did he steal that had

you going over 100 miles an hour?

Must have been

pretty valuable.

It is.

Sheriff?

Yeah, Mavis, go ahead.

We just got a call from Homer

over at the caf.

He says somebody tried

to steal his car.

Okay, we're on it.

- You want some?

- Hell, no.

I was just thinking how much better

that stuff looked when it was roadkill.

Why don't you shut up?

You eat it.

- She loves me.

- You hurry up and finish and...

I'll take care of dessert.

Ah, don't worry.

Good Cleo knows better

than to eat that slop.

Goddamn it! Get that

p*ssy off the table.

I meant the cat.

Cleo! Didn't I tell you to put him out?

I did. I don't know

how she got back in.

You finish cleaning the stove, or

you too busy shooting the breeze?

For Christ's sake, I'll finish

cleaning it tomorrow.

I want it clean tonight.

Remind me of that program you're on.

It's called "work release", ain't it?

I swear that girl ain't got

no goddamn gratitude.

If I hadn't made a place for

her, she'd be behind bars or dead.

- Lucky kid.

- Mmm.

You expecting somebody,

Mr. Smith?

Evenin', motel people.

You kept me waiting, Roach. Ohh.

I'll tell you the reason I'm late.

Somebody tried to steal Homer's car.

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