Detention Page #2

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You'll be head cheerleader for

the Grizzly Lake Bear playoff game.

Don't do that.

You there!

- Riley.

- Sure you are, Crutches.

You'll have to be

the Grizzly Lake bear.

Mascot?

Wearing the bear suit is a privilege

enjoyed by a few. Put it on.

Time to get serious, dude.

- Is this real fur?

- That goes for you too.

- Don't you mess this up!

- I won't, Mr. Cooper.

You're as funny

as Bronson Pinchot.

Let me hear you growl!

Attack!

Typecast.

One and two! Feel it, whoo!

That's the spirit, lone.

I was wondering when Freedom

Williams would make a comeback!

- F in dodgeball too.

- You suck!

Road House?

Patrick Swayze didn't get Kelly Lynch

without ripping some throats first.

- I need to study if I'm gonna fight Billy.

- You can't be planning on fighting him.

Three o'clock, Clapton!

You're f***ing dead!

Well, I guess he still likes lone.

Never underestimate the appeal

of stupid, cute things.

The girl's a moron. But you don't--?

You don't have a thing for her, do you?

Sander, Ione's an old soul trapped in

a very painfully hot cheerleader body.

She knows the "Fields of Gold" lyrics.

Every little thing she does is magic.

- Believe it.

- I believe in things I can see.

I believe in violence.

I believe in trees,

mortgages and albinos.

Wet T-shirt.

Patrick Swayze was only

an action star for three years.

Steven Seagal is a lifelong Buddhist

and a deadly master of aikido.

Wrong. Mullet beats ponytails.

Red shirt.

What if that innocent cow

was your son?

Or your daughter?

Now, scientists don't know

whether fish feel pain...

...so some vegetarians

still eat salmon and stuff.

But do you know how much pigs

or, like, veal suffer?

Is the only reason they live

just to be killed?

Meat is murder.

Nice work, Riley.

Now, for the counter-argument,

we turn to Gord.

Gord is our Canadian

exchange student...

...from Lunenburg, Nova Scotia...

...where I hear the salmon

is delicious.

Gord?

Yes, I'd like to start off by saying

that this girl's argument is ridiculous.

Vegetarians who eat fish

are hypocrites.

She thinks because fish may feel

no pain, they don't value their lives.

Absurd. And notice how she expresses

almost no sympathy for chickens.

That's because Americans

hate chickens.

For example,

KFC serves popcorn chicken...

...to assure the customers

that the chicken was blown to bits...

...yet the meatball sub at Subway

isn't called "popcorn cow."

Americans want chickens to die.

Lame! Personally,

I do feel sympathy for animals...

...which is why I choose

to only eat baby animals.

They have not lived as long

and are not leaving as much behind.

Baby clams, chicken wings,

baby seals, no big loss.

If we don't eat meat,

we lose our place in the food chain.

Eating animals gives us confidence

as humans.

Vegetarians like this girl,

who is only wearing one shoe...

...have less confidence

than everybody else.

Thank you, class. Ms. MacIntyre.

Very well researched, Gord.

And, yes, it's true.

Teenagers need self-confidence.

Clamato:
the only animal-mammal

beverage at the grocery store.

Which is too bad, because I could

really go for some carbonated dolphin.

Why must you interrupt

my solitude...

...in the worst day of the worst life

in Grizzly Lake history?

- You're not the girl who f***ed a bear.

- That was 20 years ago.

And she was a pervert.

I'm a mascot.

It's one rank lower

on the social ladder.

It's true.

I've been thinking about stuff.

Nudity, mostly.

You know, we don't talk much...

...but I like to believe we've been

sort of friends for a while.

Arguable, but not outlandish.

Okay, this human-conversation thing

is not working for you. Let's text.

You better not sext me.

Not interested in the rules.

Yeah, I figured.

Courtship, social ethics,

what people think.

Very true. You're right.

- Sorry, that was for Clapton.

- What the frig!

You know what?

Let's get it over with.

- Let's have sex.

- I'm only gonna say this once.

Do not become the bad guy

in the pregnancy-scare video.

Playful banter is just a sign of

a healthy, caring communi-- Hold on.

If you go sit somewhere else, we can

maybe go back to being sort of friends.

- Mind if I sit here?

- Free country.

Every day, you and I stand in

this hallway and no one notices.

We're just hollow and useless...

...and stuffed full of crap

nobody will ever see.

I know who you are.

You're me.

Well, let's go.

I mean, "Gonna Make You Sweat"?

They let her get away

with making that look cool?

And then I'm beaten by a Canadian

on the ethics of eating animals...

...which makes no sense because

Canadians are supposed to be nice.

See you, Clapton Davis.

Hope my soundtrack

comes out on vinyl.

Little dudes like you get worked.

Let's see your teeth.

For dental records.

Yeah, the next time you go

to the dentist and look at an x-ray...

...it will be a picture

of your head flying off.

- Sh*t. Get that molar.

- Somebody's trying to kill me!

Join the club.

Get out of my face, dude.

Leave him alone, Nolan. We get it.

Your dick is bigger, all right?

Wait, how do you know?

Clapton, you're my Ralph Macchio.

Do the crane thing.

I like you, lone,

but you're really weird.

If your face hurts my fist...

...I will punch you again harder.

- Everyone take a step back.

- Hang on! I was here first.

Listen up, folks.

Your classmate Taylor Fisher...

...was murdered in her bedroom

this morning.

- What?

- I know this comes as a shock.

We're gonna need to speak

to some of you in turn.

- I was just attacked!

- Sure you were, honey.

The violent death of 17-year-old

Taylor Fisher...

...has shaken the town

of Grizzly Lake.

Fisher, a beloved

Bears cheerleader...

...was getting ready for school

when an intruder stabbed--

Jason Lawrence said

he saw blue lights in the sky...

...and then mysteriously was

compelled to eat three cans of tuna...

...a food he typically hates.

F*** everybody.

- You ever do any rave drugs?

- A rave? What is this, 1996?

This attacker you're describing,

Ms. Jones...

...sounds just like that horror film.

- Cinderhella.

Scream.

Cinderhella is only a movie.

It can't hurt you.

- You know that?

- I don't know. See the first one?

You're under the belief that

she attacked you? Cinderhella?

Look, I am not a retarded

Neve Campbell, okay?

Obviously, it was someone

dressed like her.

- You nuked the fridge with that one.

- I'm sorry. I don't speak fanboy.

Call if anything else comes to mind

or happens to you.

Yeppers, I'll be sure to call you

when I'm murdered.

Hey. A girl at your school is dead,

for real.

Think about that.

Iron Man. Now, that's a movie.

Iron Man was f***ing PG-13.

Does this sound f***ing PG-13

to you?

Worst motive ever.

What, you think I'm making this up?

Come on, Riley,

there's nobody else here.

Show me.

Whoever's trying to kill me knows

that Cinderhella is a huge cliche.

They know I know

nobody would believe me.

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