Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

% Of all the wonderful things

in life you can find %

% They all can be yours

with the right frame of mind %

% Just look, and you'll find %

% There are no secrets to hide %

% Leave your problems behind

Leave your problems behind %

% No worry, friends

No worry %

-[People Murmuring]

-[Man] Yuck!

Eww!

Swim trunks are loaded with

detergents and other hazardous

chemicals harmful to fish.

Ow! Aah!

Oh!

Hi, Allison.

- Just quit my job at the aquarium.

- Heard you got fired.

Yeah. The aquarium's totally changed.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

I got a lot

of great offers.

Things are really

starting to happen for me.

- I was thinking maybe later

if you weren't doing any--

- No.

- I mean if--

Uh, when you're not working.

- I don't think so.

Okay, I guess I'll just take

some sea snails and be on my way.

No, no, a little lower.

The ones on the bottom.

Uh,

have a good nipple.

[Tires Screeching]

[Laughing]

% Color me

your color, baby %

% Color me your car %

% Color me

your color, darling %

-% I know who you are %

- [Both Laughing]

% [Continues, Indistinct]

- Ah, you have beautiful

skin, baby, huh?

- [Laughing]

Get some olive oil,

rub it all over you.

We'll have

a good time, huh?

[Woman] Oh, yeah.

-[Door Slams]

-[Man] Let's get him out of there.

[Man, Woman Moaning

Passionately, Faint]

[Woman] Ohh! Oh, Antoine!

Yeah!

[Continues Moaning]

[Moaning Pace Quickens]

-[Antoine] Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-[Woman Shrieking]

[Moaning Ceases]

Try to keep your

goldfish in this bowl.

If you like, I could

stick around for a while.

Every kid needs a father.

What the hell?

- [Roars]

- [Gasps]

What the hell

are you doing?

There's a mongrel koi in there.

It's the most dangerous of all goldfish.

- Do you have any ice?

- Hey.

Shoes off, huh?

Respect the 18th century

Persian carpet.

Whoa!

What are those?

Medieval weapons.

I'm a collector.

They're worth twice as much

if they've killed somebody.

I collect

Canadian quarters.

I got about six of'em.

Would you like

anything to drink?

I wouldn't mind

a glass of--

Whoa.

What is that?

Is that a custom Living Color

anti-glare, retractable-top tank?

- I'm not sure.

- It is!

They assemble each one

of these by hand.

Whoa! Chinese tailbar lionfish.

He's a beauty!

That's an $800 fish!

- Try a grand.

- Then you overpaid.

Hey, fishy, fishy,

fishy, fishy.

Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy.

Hey. An Australian

rainbow fish.

You're not gonna

want to put him in there--

- Oh, God!

- Women love it.

They find it erotic

when they eat each other.

Excuse me

for a second, huh?

Must make pee-pee.

[Urinating]

[Phone Rings]

-[Answering Machine Beeps]

-[Woman] Antoine, hi. It's Regina.

I'm flying in from Luxembourg tomorrow.

I want you to be my driver.

Swiss Air, flight 12.

Is it still 3,500?

- See you. Ciao.

-[Answering Machine Beeps]

I finally figured out how you

pick up all these gorgeous women.

- How's that?

- You're a limo driver.

Sometimes I am.

- So you just drive them back

here and have sex with them?

- If they pay me enough, yes.

What kind of limo service

is that?

Shouldn't you be taking them

to fancy restaurants or the theater?

- I'm a gigolo.

- A gigo-who?

Women pay me

to give them pleasure.

- How did you get that job?

- I just kind of fell into it.

I'm gonna kill

my guidance counselor.

% [Latin Dance]

- Hey! Hey! Hey! [Chattering]

- [Dog Barking]

Down!

Bad dog!

Hey, guys.

Did you miss me?

Well, there's been a slight delay

in our move-to-the-beach plan.

But don't worry.

It's gonna happen.

[Antoine] Hey, fish guy!

I think there's something wrong

with my, uh, uh, big fish.

pH is off. The nitrates

are at a dangerous level.

- I can neutralize it.

- Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy.

They don't like that.

- I think our little friend

has Malawi bloat.

- What the hell is that?

- It's a gill disorder.

- Is it bad?

- Could be fatal.

- But is he gonna make it?

He's in shock. I gave him

some freeze-dried water fleas,

but he's gotta want to live.

- The next forty-eight

hours are critical.

- Forty-eight hours?

But I got to go to Switzerland for

business. I'll be gone for three weeks.

Well, cancel it.

You got a sick fish here, pal.

Hey, hey,

what about you, huh?

Sounds good, but I can't afford

to go to Europe right now.

- My passport expired--

- No, no, I mean you can stay

here and look after my fish.

I've got

a full bar, huh?

Digital television.

You're on the beach.

I don't know.

I--

I would be honored

to care for your fish.

Just remember, don't use my car

and don't answer my phone.

No car, no phone.

So I guess throwing a big beach party's

out of the question.

This is a 14th century

Hungarian crossbow.

It has killed a king...

and changed

the history of Europe.

You mess up anything in my apartment,

I'll shove it up your ass.

Have a good trip.

% Come on, come on %

Women pay me

to give them pleasure.

[Screams]

% Come on, come on %

% And tell me

what you're sayin' %

% Come on, come on %

% Get a whiff

of what I'm wearing %

% Come on, come on %

% Come on, come on %

% And stop %

[Man] I'm on the beach.

I mean, I open up my window,

I got sand blowin' in my face.

- It's that crazy. I'd love

to show it to you sometime.

- No.

- You really owe it to yourself to see--

- No.

Hey! Try to get laid

on your own time, pal.

[Customers Complaining]

I guess I'll just take

some sea snails.

You better get me some

from the colder tank.

[Clicks, Whirrs]

[Man Calling Race]

[Clicks, Whirrs]

% ["Strangers in The Night"]

[Moaning, Sighing]

- [Woman] Oh, yes! Oh!

- [Doorbell Rings]

[Man On TV] I've been bad.

I've been really bad.

-[Hand Swatting]

-[Moaning Continues]

- [Clicking Frantically]

- [Man] But it was worth it.

Hi. Would you like to buy

some Girls of America cookies?

- [Man On TV] Don't hit me with that.

- Could you come back later?

- [Swat]

- [Man] Ohh!

- Eew. What are you watching?

- [Moaning]

- You're gross!

You're a sick man,

and I'm gonna tell!

- [Man On TV] Hit me with it again.

- How much?

[Groaning]

Great.

[Electricity Crackling]

[Gasping]

[Grunting]

[Grunting, Panting]

[Phone Ringing]

[On Answering Machine]

Hey, Deuce, it's Antoine.

I just realized

I don't know you that well.

To be honest,

it's freaking me out a little.

You just make sure you keep

my apartment clean or you will die.

- Bye-bye.

- [Answering Machine Beeps]

Oh! Oh!

Aah!

- Six thousand dollars?

- I know. It sucks.

Neil, where am I going

to get $6,000 in three weeks?

I don't know your budget.

You may not want to...

blow your whole wad

on this tank.

I would.

- Can I pay in installments?

- No.

I'm up to my bicep in it,

if you know what I mean.

I'm not trying to flip you over

and do you dry here.

Look, squat on it

for a night...

and let me know.

[Ringing]

- What? Hello?

- [Woman] Hi.

I've been staring

at your number for hours.

I got it

from a friend.

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