Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo Page #2

Um, I'm not really

supposed to use this phone.

Why don't you

come over?

My address is

Actually, I've-I've

got a lot of work...

to do here... still.

I'm naked.

% Call me

on the line %

% Call me, call me

any, any time %

% Call me %

% [Romantic]

Now, there's my little

German tourist.

Is this it?

Is this the whole outfit?

It's perfect.

"Guten Abend,

Herr Fraulein."

Yes. Use the map.

Use the map.

"Vohrest der

Statue of Liberty?"

You should've stuck

with the tour, Heinz.

Now you'll have

to pay the penalty.

It's-It's n-no problem.

I'll just, um--

Let me slip on

a few of these babies.

[Loud Roar]

- What was that?

- I didn't hear anything.

Now come here,

you naughty little

sightseer.

[Groans]

- [Roaring]

- [Thud]

Wait a second.

I definitely heard something.

Oh, that's just Wolfy.

He's been in there a while.

Now you concentrate

and stay in character.

- [Roaring]

- Wolfy, settle down!

Now you just focus on your

little wiener schnitzel.

-[Snarling]

- I gotta get out of here.

Don't worry. He never

gets all the way through.

- Maybe you better go.

-[Barking]

Wolfy, you've gotta stop

doing this to Mommy's friends.

Yes, he does.

Yes, he does.

He'll be all right for a while.

Here, this is for you.

It's all I could grab.

- Did I bring you pleasure?

- Not really.

- You better haul ass.

-[Wolfy Crashes Against Door, Whines]

[Barking Continues]

Ten dollars?

Yeah!

% [Disco]

% [Man Rapping Over Lyrics,

Indistinct]

[Man] A martini

and two olives.

Martini.

Two olives.

Any ladies need

some entertainment tonight?

Eight-fifty.

- Eight dollars?

- And fifty cents.

Well, how much just for

a plain cranberry juice?

- Uh, three dollars.

- I'll go for that.

There you go.

That's eleven-fifty.

Uh, no, no. Perhaps

you misunderstood me.

I wish to cancel my original order

of the martini and two olives...

and go for just the plain cranberry

Juice by itself for the three dollars.

And I apologize for any inconvenience

this may have caused you.

Uh, perhaps

you don't understand.

If you don't pay me now,

I'm gonna take this swizzle stick...

and, uh, I'll be shovin' that

right up your pee hole.

- So that was eleven-fifty, right?

- Right.

Okay,

there's ten...

and six quarters, and--

Tell you what.

I'll go work on your tip.

[Speaking French]

I couldn't help

overhearing your Spanish.

- It's French.

- Ah. Oui.

French. Nice people.

May I?

- No--

- [Flatulent Sound]

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Excuzes-moi. These leather seats.

Would you like a martini

or cranberry juice?

- No.

- Kind of celebrating tonight.

Possible career change.

Mmm.

I'm pretty excited

about it.

You wanna get out of here?

Okay. I'm sorry.

I mean, together.

[Gulps]

What happened

to the carpet?

Oh, it's one of those

Well, that's

certainly appreciated.

Hey, whoa.

Maybe we should take care

of a little business first.

If you prefer.

I don't have a set price or anything,

but I have been getting ten dollars.

- I'm sorry?

- Well, that's my going rate.

But I'm willing

to negotiate.

[Chuckles] That's funny.

But the price is 500.

You're gonna pay me $500?

No, honey. You pay me.

Oh, I get it.

This is some kind of role reversal.

I'll play along

with this.

Okay, 300, 400, 500.

You're my hooker.

No, seriously,

where's my ten dollars?

Look, a**hole. I didn't come

all the way down here for nothing.

Now give me my $500!

You give me ten dollars!

Five hundred, now!

[Groaning]

You pay me ten dollars.

Nice.

Ooh!

Is that all you got?

Ten dollars.

No! Please don't!

Five hundred dollars...

or the fish gets it.

Let's talk about this.

- Why do you have a picture of Antoine?

- Well, this is his place.

I'm watching his fish

for him.

Please, don't tell him

about the shoes, huh?

-[Door Shuts]

- [Sighs]

[Door Slams]

- Can I help you?

- Oh, my God.

I'm lookin' at a dead man.

You know, Claire told me

that Antoine's place was messed up,

but I had no idea.

- Claire?

- The hooker you ass-punched.

That was a misunderstanding.

And I intend to have everything

fixed by the time Antoine gets back.

I'm just-- I'm just a little

strapped for cash right now.

Maybe there's somethin'

we could work out.

Claire mentioned

that you dabble in harlotry.

- I'm sorry?

- You a man-whore.

-Well, I tried that for a couple hours--

-See this ring?

Topaz.

That's my mother's birthstone.

Got that from man-whorin'.

See this key chain?

That's right.

Mini yo-yo. Know where I got

the money for that?

- Man-whoring?

- Stock market.

But I got the money for the stock market

from man-whorin'...

and representin'

man-whores like yourself.

So...

you're a pimp?

T.J. don't consider himself

no pimp.

More of a male madam.

That wasn't

too well thought out.

[TJ.] Look at this proud fish.

It's like a coyote--

king of the jungle.

It's like Antoine.

He don't need no pimp.

Then look at this

mid-level fish here.

Works hotels, conventions,

senior centers.

I represent several man-whores

at this level of the game.

Now look at

this little fella,

at the bottom, tryin' to

get busy with the scuba man.

You know, if you work hard

and listen to me,

this could be you.

Well, thanks,

but I already have

a job.

I clean fish tanks.

- You gon' make $150

cleanin' fish tanks?

- $150?

Yeah. Fish ain't

gon' pay for all this.

I don't know.

You know, Antoine's

got a bad temper.

I remember once

I dropped a cigar ash on his rug.

He made me pick it up

with my anus.

Well, maybe I could do

a couple jobs,

Just to get this place

fixed up.

We got a lot of work

to do.

% I believe in miracles %

% Where you from %

- % You sexy thing %

- % Sexy thing, you %

% I believe in miracles %

Aaaaah!

% Since you came along %

% You sexy thing %

Aaaaaah!

[Groans]

- [Tape Rips]

- Yeeeee-aaaaah!

[Scream Continues, Reverberates]

You a man-whore now.

I'm so proud.

Thanks, T.J.

Now remember,

it's a business.

Never, ever fall in love.

[Car Starts, Races Away]

[Buzzer Lock Sounds]

[Low, Masculine Voice]

I'm upstairs!

Okay, Deuce,

don't fall in love.

I know what you're thinkin'.

You're thinkin' those are

the biggest boobies you've ever seen.

Can I please

use your phone?

I'm not your average woman.

I like sex,

and I'm not afraid to adm--

[Wet Coughing]

Excuse me.

I just had pudding an hour ago.

- Dear God.

- You ever parked your bicycle

in an airplane hangar?

- I'm sorry?

- You ever thrown a toothpick

into a volcano?

- What?

- Oh, nothing.

Just making idle chitchat.

- Are you comfortable?

- Actually, no.

Ooh, I'm sweatin'.

You're gettin' me all hot.

You don't like my hair,

do you?

- I think there's been a mistake.

- Did you say steak?

- No, mistake.

- Oh, see, now you got me all excited.

Look, I'm gay.

Well, how gay are you?

Very, very gay. You must have dialed

the Very Gay Escort Service.

Oh, sh*t.

See, sometimes my fingers swell up

and I can't cleanly hit the numbers.

- They should make a phone

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