Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo Page #3

for full-figured girls.

- They should.

So, what do we do?

[Woman] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Cakes and pies. Cakes and pies.

[Giggling]

Okay, which pie

has the most sugar?

- Peach cobbler.

- [Sighs] You win again.

That's four games to one.

Well, fast food trivia

is my game, honey.

I must tell you, nobody

has ever pleasured Jabba the Slut.

Deucey, you have a way of satisfying

a woman that would sicken a normal man.

I can't do this anymore.

You must have

a magical "man-gina".

- Huh?

- "Man-gina"

It's a professional term we man-whores

use to describe our... he-p*ssy.

I'm not one

of your man-whores.

Okay? I quit.

You ungrateful he-b*tch.

How 'bout I get Antoine on the phone

in Switzerland and tell him...

how you redecorated

his poon palace.

I'm not

an ungrateful he-b*tch.

Just give me a minute

to think here.

[Urinal Flushes]

Thanks.

- How's it going?

- Pretty good.

- Hey, Dad, let me ask you a question.

- And what's that, son?

Do you think it's wrong for a man

to accept money from a woman...

to, you know,

show her a good time?

I was just thinking about that

this morning.

The idea of a man-whore

is a relatively new idea.

- Cologne?

- No, thanks.

[Loud Fart]

These women are looking for something

more than just sex. They want romance.

- What do you mean?

- [Loud Fart]

Well, it was like when I met

your mom, God rest her soul.

I didn't have so much

as a toilet to clean.

Still, I wasn't going to pay her

a dime for sex, no matter

what she was charging.

- What?

- [Loud Fart]

Your mom could've had any man

she wanted in that strip club,

and this being my first time in Bangkok,

I was looking for a good time myself.

- You met Mom where?

- It's not important.

- [Loud Fart]

The thing is,

she saw something in me...

beyond the 200 baht--

a man with an eye

for adventure...

who wasn't afraid

to risk it all.

Dad, are you saying that--

[Grunting, Sh*t Splattering

Into Toilet]

So we took all her

one-dollar bills off the stage,

said good-bye

to that donkey...

and two days later

we were man and wife.

And we were happily married

a long time.

So, do you think I should be

more of a risk-taker?

- [Toilet Flushing]

- Worked for me.

Thanks, Pops.

[Toilet Continues Flushing]

Well, son,

looks like I've got

some work to do.

You got yourself

a man-whore.

Hah!

[Chuckling]

My man!

- Is-- Is Tina here?

- Yes.

I'm Deuce Bigalow,

your date.

I'll get my things.

I love this place.

- Where you from again?

- Norway.

-[Man #1] Freak!

- I hear great things about it.

-[Man #2] Holyshit, it's Bigfoot!

- So, how'd you end up here?

I had a pituitary gland procedure

at U.C.L.A. Medical Center...

and fell in love

with the people here.

[Man #3] Hey, keep it in the circus!

This place has gone way downhill.

What do you say we go somewhere else?

[Man #4] That's a huge b*tch!

I'm sorry about

what those people said.

You should be able to go

on all the rides.

[Cup Slams On Table]

I had a really great time,

but I should go--

[Groans]

Easy. Easy!

Hey, easy!

[Grunts]

Wait! Wait!

Aah! Wait, wait!

I know what we could do!

I got it!

Give me a second to think here!

Wait! Whoa!

[Tina Moaning]

Oh, yes. Ohh!

Mmmm. Ohh.

[Moaning Continues]

Oh, God!

Oh, no one has ever

touched my feet before.

Wow!

Oooh!

[Moaning Continues]

Deuce Bigalow?

Detective Fowler,

L.A.P.D.

I want to ask you a few questions

about Antoine Laconte,

known gigolo,

male prostitute.

I'm just taking care

of his fish.

I'll bet you are.

You make me sick.

You're gonna tell me

that gigantic woman didn't just

pay you to have sex with her?

- No!

- Let me tell you something, mister.

I can sleep at night because I make

a decent, God-fearing, honest living.

I'm sure you do,

but there's nothing I can tell you.

Oh, I think there is.

What do you think

of this?

- You think I can get anything

for it? You know, money?

- I don't know!

- Yeah, you think

I'm a loser, don't you?

- No, I don't.

Well, maybe I am a loser, but I'm

a loser who can bust your ass.

You tell Antoine

I'm gonna nail him.

[Zipper Zips]

- [Rings]

- [Woman] Hello.

- Is this Ruth?

- Yeah. I'll be right down--

Goddamn it!

- Nice day, huh?

- Yeah.

Shove it up your ass!

- [Tires Screeching]

- [Horn Honking]

Geez, you okay?

I'm sorry.

I have Tourette's syndrome.

It causes me to have

these uncontrollable outbursts.

- It's not so bad.

- Yeah, it's okay.

I mean,

you get used to it.

Ball sweat!

Anus!

Anus licker!

[Gagging Noise]

You know,

there are some places...

I can't g-g-go--

Nipple biter!

Naah-naah-naah-naah-nyiii!

What are you talkin' about?

I barely notice it.

[Giggles]

Scrotum!

Sperm!

Sperm face!

I just can't go near

places like churches--

Ha ha!

Vulva!

elementary schools--

Jizz! Jizz trap!

Pretty much anywhere.

Ehh-- Fart!

Dildo!

Big-- Big, big titties!

Sh*t! Sh*t whore!

Let's put the top up.

I'll put on the air conditioning.

You probably want

to take me home, don't you?

No.

Hey, I got an idea.

% [Organ:
Charge]

I'm nervous.

There's a lot of people here.

- Don't worry--

- Crap muncher!

[Man Mutters] "Crap muncher"?

I know!

He was definitely safe!

- What do you think

about the other team?

- A**holes!

Right.

And their pitcher--

I mean, stop stalling

and throw it already.

Ball hair!

Ball hair!

Yeah,

ball hair!

What we need

is a strike hair.

That other team is a bunch of

high-priced babies!

- Whores!

- Yeah! You tell 'em, baby!

[Crowd Cheering]

- [Crowd Booing]

- They called him out?

- Scrotum licker!

- Yeah!

Piss face!

Piss face! Piss face!

[All Chanting] Piss face!

Piss face! Piss face! Piss face!

Piss face! Piss face!

Piss face!

Deucey, you the best he-b*tch

in my man-stable.

If I had two more man-ginas like you,

I'd be a millionaire.

T.J., I think

I'm gonna get out.

Sit down.

- This next date is what

we man-pimps call a doozy.

- What's wrong with this one?

- Nothin'.

- Have you seen her?

What is she, 80?

A hunchback?

She just got out of college.

Her girlfriends pitched in

to get her a little beefcake.

- She thinks it's a blind date.

- It's a guy, isn't it?

I don't think so,

but I have been fooled before.

You must be Kate.

Excuse me.

Waiter.

Uh, yeah, sorry.

We're busy tonight.

- All right, number four?

- Yes, thank you.

- I'm Kate.

- Are you sure?

I think so.

I'm sorry.

You're just not what I expected.

- Really.

- No, no.

I-I mean, in a good way.

They didn't say

you were so... perfect.

[Laughs]

"Perfect"

Sally and Megan didn't tell me

a lot about you.

Who?

Oh, right, uh--

Well, I clean tanks... ers.

Tankers.

I'm sorry.

I'm still kinda shocked.

I mean, you're--

you're really normal.

Thank you.

My last couple of dates

have been horrible.

- You get fixed up

on a lot of blind dates?

- Only recently.

- How about you?

- This is my first.

- I hope this place is okay.

- Are you kidding? It's terrific.

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