Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

My husband.

Thank you for last night.

Thank you for last night.

Thank you for last night.

Hey, what do you think

you're doing?

Sh*t.

Today, these visually-impaired senior

citizens will fulfill a lifelong dream:

To swim with dolphins.

Hey, check this out.

- What is that?

- Careful.

That is four years of research.

A technological breakthrough

which might just save a life or two.

- What's it for?

- A device to prevent...

...the beaching of cetaceans.

- That's whales to you and me.

- Cetaceans, huh?

That's a pretty big word

for a man-whore.

I'm not a man-whore.

I'm a fish enthusiast.

I stopped man-whoring

when I met my wife.

My mom said your wife

got eaten on your honeymoon...

...because you tried

to feed the sharks.

You tell your mom I was

trying to feed the turtles.

Didn't realize there was

meat sauce on the lettuce.

Whatever. I bet that thing doesn't

even work, you stupid he-b*tch.

- Come on, I got it.

- Hey, you little bastards.

Give that back! That's not a toy!

That's the one. That's your grandma.

Give me..! Come on! Give me..!

Something seems to be going wrong.

I'm not sure what's happening.

I gotcha! I got..!

Hey, everybody. I'm home.

Hi, Kate. I missed you today.

The prototype's almost working.

All it needs is a few

minor adjustments.

Wes Takahashi in Malibu, where

three blind swimmers are missing.

I hope that man rots in hell!

It was some weird guy.

He tried to touch my ball...

- Hello?

- Deucey, Deucey, Deucey.

It's your old buddy T.J. Here.

- T.J?

- I'm in Amsterdam.

Man, you'd love it here. It's like

Disneyland for college students.

You wouldn't believe this.

Why don't you come and let your

friend T.J. Show you a good time.

- Oh, that's crazy. I can't.

- Look.

It ain't like you got something

better to do over there.

Amsterdam is so far away.

Police have just released a sketch

of a man wanted for questioning.

Witnesses report he is goofy-looking

and probably a virgin.

On the other hand,

far away could be good.

Is my wife gonna be okay in there?

- She'll be fine, sir.

- All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 10

from Helsinki is now arriving...

Excuse me.

I think there's been a mix-up.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

That's okay. I always wondered

what it felt like to be a white woman.

- Can I borrow it?

- Give me that.

Hold on.

All rows now boarding

for Amsterdam.

Excuse me.

Okay.

Hey, how many people

get to do this on their honeymoon?

You're sure it's safe

to feed the turtles?

You have nothing to worry about.

I'm a fish expert, remember?

What is that over there?

Oh, that's just some kid with a fin

on his back, trying to scare us.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

Do you think the hotel would let us

swim if there were sharks?

Come on. This is Mexico.

They know what they're doing.

This shirt's gonna be

a great icebreaker.

F*** you, American,

you imperialist bastard!

I love America.

I love President Bush.

Thank you for bringing

democracy to Iraq.

- Shut up!

- Oh, sh*t!

Oh, hello. Sir.

- Is this okay?

- You did miss a spot.

Did I get it?

Put some elbow in it.

Sorry, honey.

What's with all these red lights?

I wonder if they know

their curtains are open.

Oh, man.

Ahoy there!

Big Deucey in Amsterdam.

Man, get on over here.

Deucey.

- Look at this boat.

- Check this out.

You like that?

I couldn't be happier for you.

Come, let me

show you my float-crib.

- Okay.

- Looking like money.

I'm telling you, you gonna have

a good time, man, huh?

Well, it ain't much, but it's home.

It's nice.

I like what you've done with it.

Now, if you gotta use the bathroom,

lift up the toilet seat.

This is where I live.

This is my home.

I don't want nobody

pissing on my toilet seat.

What do you think of the float-crib?

You feeling it?

T.J., I think you got a bad leak here.

No, no, no. It's just high tide.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah. I brought Kate.

I really wanna show her

a good time, you know?

Maybe buy her a wooden shoe.

Deucey.

Keeping that leg is kind of creepy.

- You gotta move on with your life.

- T.J!

Hey, Lil' Kim, what's up?

I no more man-whore.

Too much danger.

Excuse us for a moment, Deucey.

Listen up, Lil' Kim.

When your little bony ass had SARS,

who got you out of quarantine?

- Go make me some money.

- No way!

I take my three inches elsewhere.

So I thought I'd come over here

and make a killing.

Got myself a houseboat, some ho's.

The only thing a woman love

more than a man-ho...

...is a floating man-ho.

- Makes sense.

Then all these man-whore

murders started.

My he-b*tches got too scared

to go to work.

What kind of world do we live in...

...where the streets ain't safe

for male prostitutes?

Here's your hashish.

- Enjoy.

- Hashish?

- Yeah.

- No.

I thought this was a coffee shop.

Let me break it down for you.

You're in Amsterdam.

If you want coffee, you go to a caf.

If you want marijuana, ganji or some

freaky-deaky, you go to a coffee shop.

That's where you is now.

Put that away. Cops. Cops!

Hold it right there.

Now, that joint looks loose.

If you want, I'll roll the next one.

Have a good evening, huh?

Oh, don't worry about it, Deucey.

This is Amsterdam.

It's perfectly legal over here.

You want a hit?

No. I'm not smoking nothing.

Oh, come on, man.

- Deucey don't smoke.

- Suit yourself.

Well, well, well,

if it ain't Heinz Hummer...

...the gigolo with the most below.

What do you want, T.J? I'm busy.

I wanna introduce you to my friend,

Deuce Bigalow.

- He's a gigolo from America.

- Hi.

Sometimes you're really funny, T.J.

How much you getting

for a Filthy Ramirez these days?

I could get you more.

A Filthy Ramirez?

Where have you been?

Nobody pays for that sh*t anymore.

See you around, T.J.

The Man-whore Awards

are coming up.

You wanna win the Golden Boner?

I already won it twice.

Just ask your ex-fiance.

Man, why you gotta bring up

Delisha like that?

I can't believe prostitution's

legal here.

Oh, yeah, it's big business.

They got a union, dental plan.

Man, if I had a he-b*tch

like Heinz Hummer...

...put me back in the game.

- Is he that good?

- "Is he that good?"

They don't call him "Lord

of the Wangs" for nothing.

Man, what I wouldn't give...

For Heinz's wang?

No, I don't want Heinz's wang!

I want him as a client.

Hey, man, keep your voice down.

Talking about me wanting

Heinz's big juicy wang.

People would think I'm gay.

Now, a pimp's only got

one thing in this world:

His reputation.

Here you are, gentlemen.

Fresh today.

- What is this?

- Spacecake.

- Why do they call it that?

- You know...

...it's what the astronauts eat.

Like Tang.

I'm starving.

- It's a little dry.

- Keep eating. It gets better.

- You sure you don't want any?

- No.

Never been high, never gonna be.

This is pretty good cake, though.

F***ing excellent.

You.

Come on in here.

You..? You want me to..?

Yes, you.

- Maybe you can help me.

- Really?

I don't want a man who's

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