Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo Page #2

chiseled and sculpted.

I like soft and weak.

- You do?

- I want a man who's unemployed.

And went to a community college.

I am, and I did.

- You know what really turns me on?

- What?

Is thinking about him

in his tighty whities...

...sitting at his computer...

...and visiting different porn sites...

...and taking the free tour

with no intention of ever joining.

I don't have a credit card!

- Kiss my chest.

- Okay.

Harder!

- Bite me!

- You sure?

Harder! Bite me harder!

Get off of my titty,

you doped-up cracker!

No more spacecakes for you.

Hey. I'm sorry about that, T.J.

I must have gotten a contact buzz.

What'd I tell you about

making me look gay?

Not ten minutes go by

and you got your mouth...

...all over my breasteses.

My nipple's ruined!

You're lucky I was born with a spare.

There go one of my ho's.

The old guy in the walker's

one of your ho's?

Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass

out there making me my money?

Kaiser! Get your old ass

back in the booth!

Deucey, meet me back

at the float-crib.

B*tches out here act like

they never seen a pimp before.

I raise my hand, they look at it like

it's a goddamn croissant. Then:

Feel my pimp hand.

Where's the boat?

Oh. You scared me.

Hey. Do you know who I am?

I am Heinz Hummer. I'm the gigolo

with the most below. Okay?

I can give you a Filthy Lopez

like you never had before.

I could give you

a Cambodian Creamsicle...

...that will make you

scream all night. Okay?

But not now because I'm busy.

So leave me alone, b*tch.

Wait a second. Do I know you?

"New-jizz-fizz...

...ver-bur-ger-king... "?

Heinz.

Man, are you wasted.

I gotcha.

Coming up next, more weather.

What's this?

Hey, Heinz, wake up, check this out.

Holy sh*t.

Europe just got a little better.

Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs.

- You gotta keep your b*tches in line.

- Yeah.

- What's he doing here?

- I found him passed out in the alley.

I couldn't just leave him there.

I put in a good word for you.

Thanks, Deucey. Much appreciated.

I knew you'd come around.

Oh, sh*t. Heinz ain't passed out.

Heinz is dead.

No. He can't be.

I'm telling you, Heinz is dead.

See for yourself.

Watch this.

Maybe he's just a heavy sleeper.

I can't believe you brought

a dead man-whore in my home.

- What were you thinking?

- I didn't know you could die from pot.

This is no pot-related fatality.

This is no ganja accident.

This man was murdered.

The Man-whore Killer did this?

- We gotta call the police.

- No, no, no! Hey, hey!

Goddamn, white boy.

You think the police gonna believe

a black pimp...

...had nothing to do with a dead

prosti-dude in his crib?

Before I toss your dumb ass

in the canal, I just wanna say...

...for the record,

under T.J.'s management...

...this would have never happened.

I just gotta see

what all the fuss was about.

Goddamn!

No wonder Delisha never came back.

That sh*t's the real

Loch Ness monster.

What's over there?

- Look where his hand is.

- What the sh*t is this?

What you looking at?

Turn off them damn cameras!

I ain't gay! I was only

looking down his pants...

...because I heard his schlong

was so big and juicy.

Wait a minute.

That didn't sound right.

- Perv!

- Give me them damn cameras.

Where is he?

We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld

for this special report.

The suspected Man-whore Killer...

... has been spotted

on the Prinsengracht Canal...

... attempting to dispose

of his latest victim.

- I ain't gay!

- The suspected killer...

... has been identified as

Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.

- You idiot.

- He is still at large...

- ... and extremely...

- Hold it!

Hey. Hey, guys! How's it going?

- Where is he?

- I don't know.

- Where is he?

- I swear I don't know.

Your loyalty is impressive, sir.

You've once been arrested for

man-whoring, were you not?

Look, I wasn't really man-whoring...

Please, Mr. Bigalow.

I've heard this a thousand times.

You were cold, you were frightened.

He took you under his arm

and fed you.

He made you feel sexy.

He told you how to hide money

in every orifice.

But your friend is obviously a killer.

T.J.'s not a killer.

If he isn't a murderer...

...then what was he doing

checking out a dead man's penis?

I guess he was curious.

He heard it was big and juicy...

...and wanted to see for himself.

A lot of guys do that.

No, they don't.

Okay.

T.J.'s gay.

- Really?

- Not normal-gay, but, you know...

...crazy-gay, you know?

Musical-theater-gay.

Is that why he puts lipstick...

...on all his victims?

Wait a minute.

In the alley, I heard

someone whistling.

And I saw someone.

A woman...

...in a leopard coat.

People see a lot of crazy things

when they're high on spacecake.

There's drugs in spacecake?

Mr. Bigalow, I will find your pimp

whether you help me or not.

- T.J., thank God you're here.

- How'd you find me?

It's the only chicken

and waffle place in Holland.

So a black man's gotta be

at a chicken and waffles place?

That's racist.

- But you are here.

- Yeah, but figuring it out is racist.

- It's a nice place.

- Did you know Holland invented...

...chicken and waffles?

- Really?

Before that, you could only

get chicken or waffles.

But they were the first

to put them together.

Black people all over the world will be

forever grateful to the Dutch for that.

You do know the Dutch

started the slave trade.

Those motherfuckers!

Who let them print this?

Look, we're gonna prove

that you didn't kill anyone.

I don't give a damn about that.

It's the "extremely gay" part.

If I'm a murderer, they'll welcome

me home with open arms.

Get out of jail and

become a huge rapper.

But a gay pimp?

- Like, where I'm going? Vermont?

- Look, T. J...

...I think I saw the real killer.

It was a woman.

Some she-john went

on a he-b*tch killing spree...

...because she wasn't satisfied

with a Filthy Lopez.

- What's a Filthy Lopez?

- Forty bucks. Same as downtown.

All we do is find the she-johns that

went out with the dead gigolos.

- One of them is our killer.

- Makes sense.

- You gotta get back on the horse.

- Horse? What horse?

The man-whore horse.

We gonna use your

white ass as bait.

Bait? Look, I'm not man-whoring.

We'll find the killer

using your twat-sicle.

Twat-sicle? Gross! No.

Give this to my mama.

Tell her I'm sorry I was

a disappointment to her.

Sorry I called her friends

in the middle of the night...

...when I was pleasuring myself.

And tell her she don't have to worry

anymore about her baby.

Even if I wanted to, how are we gonna

find a dead gigolo's customers?

We'll go to the man-whore union.

But be careful.

They'll be looking for me.

Meeting of the Royal Order

of European Man-whores...

...is now in session.

These are the highest paid

he-b*tches in Europe.

That? That's Rodrigo.

He's from Spain.

He can tie shoelaces

with his tongue.

That? That's Enzo. He's Italian.

His nutsack is insured

for a million dollars.

- That's 500 grand each.

- Check it out.

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