Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo Page #3

That's Assapopulus from Greece.

He can actually kiss you

with his butthole.

I'd like to never see that.

I'd like to say a few words about

our fallen comrade, Heinz Hummer.

Who's the blond guy?

Chadsworth Buckingham.

Comes from a long line of ho's.

His great-great-great grandmother

gave Henry VIII crabs.

But I know Heinz would like to be

remembered for most...

...was being a male prostitute.

- Hear, hear.

He was also a supercilious c*nt.

- Who's that guy?

- Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-b*tch.

Heinz Hummer was

undercutting all of us.

- What?

- Yes.

He was charging the same price

for straight sex...

...as he was for a

Turkish Snow Cone.

- What?

- Oh, yes.

He was also charging the same price

for a Belgian Steamer...

...as he was for

a Portuguese Breakfast.

As we sow, so shall we reap.

Thank you, Gian-Carlo,

for those kind words.

Until this insane killer

is apprehended...

...the union is going to institute

a new security measure.

This ring locks snugly

over your va-guy-na...

...and then communicates directly

with a global satellite system.

There are rings of all sizes available,

smaller for our Asian members.

Y'all know me.

My name is McManus.

I joined this union some

To have intercourse

in exchange for cash...

...and two, to protect me rights

as a man-whore.

But...

...three years ago...

...when this union

told we man-whores...

...that we were to stop having

intercourse with underage girls...

...I strongly disagreed.

But I did not stand up.

I'm ashamed to say I stood down!

And then three months later...

...this union told we man-whores...

...that we were to begin washing our

private areas between customers.

Our private areas.

And once again, I'm ashamed

to report to you gentlemen...

...I stood down!

But now, sir, for what am I

to tell my 8-year-old boy...

...when he comes to me

and he says:

"Daddy. Daddy.

What's that thing hanging off

of your he-p*ssy?"

How am I to tell him, sir?

Deucey, you can do this.

Due to high demand...

...each member will be

only allowed two tickets...

...to this year's Man-whore Awards.

- How's it going?

I'm Deuce Bigalow.

I'm a gigolo from America.

My friend Tiberius Jefferson

is not the Man-whore Killer.

Homo!

Now, I'm convinced

that the real killer...

...is a she-john.

Which means any one

of you could be next.

Now, there are a couple hundred

gigolos in this room.

Now, if we all work together...

...we can find out

who the real killer is.

What do you say?

How come you didn't

tell them I wasn't gay?

Did you not just see me

get thrown through a window?

- What do we do now?

- T.J. Has an old friend...

...who just might be able to help us.

Come on. Watch your step.

Right this way, please.

Deuce.

Antoine?

- Sit down.

- It's good to see you.

It's been a long time.

This is the list from

the man-whore union.

It's got all the clients that went out

with the dead gigolos.

Awesome!

Please be quiet. I went through

a great deal of trouble to get this.

- Sorry.

- Now, if you want to compete...

...with the European man-whores...

...you need to learn how to really

please a woman.

- I should write some of this down.

- Go ahead.

You must be able

to pleasure a woman with...

With your...

Pleasure her with..?

Do you want me to try?

All right.

Women really like that?

Man-whore down.

Get the list. It's in his pants.

All right. I think I got it.

Can't a brother stick his hand

down another man's pants...

...without setting off

the f*ggot alarm?

Marlene Alsmere.

She went out with Diego and Heinz.

What am I gonna do

if she tries to kill me?

Distract her with your magic she-nis,

I'll look for evidence.

The lipstick and the leopard coat.

All right. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.

Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.

Hi, I'm Deuce... Biggest lady

I've ever seen.

That's a huge b*tch.

Hi.

Cute kids. Are they yours?

Those pictures, they come with the

frames. I'm unable to have children.

I'm so sorry. That must be

very hard for you.

Evidence.

That big ho got food everywhere.

You're a nice man.

Now, take off your clothes.

Don't you wanna talk a little more?

You seem very interesting.

Take them off!

"Dutch Bride. "

Baby walk to Mommy.

Come, come.

No! Like baby!

Baby walk to Mommy.

Good baby.

Come to Mommy.

Baby hungry? Want booby?

Baby never eat again.

You like them big hairy balls,

don't you?

Bad p*ssy! Bad p*ssy!

Hold it!

Hold it right there.

Is this truck full of marijuana?

Is this truck full of marijuana?

Can't you read the sign?

No unloading pot in the red zone.

Write him up.

- But, sir, it's my daughter's birthday.

- Inspector.

She's turning 13.

We need all this pot for the party.

Inspector. I got these lipsticks

from Marlene Alsmere.

She was a customer of Heinz.

She's big and strong.

- She could easily be the killer.

- The lipstick the killer uses...

...is a very rare one.

Shimmer Lavender Love number 66.

Discontinued in 1984.

But... But...

Sir, I have a list of the women who

went out with the murdered gigolos.

- Will you stop doing that?

- Will you stop playing these games...

...and tell me where T.J.'s hiding?

- T.J.'s innocent.

Oh, don't make me laugh.

"T.J.'s innocent. "

Uncle! You forgot your lunch.

That's very nice. Thanks.

- Let me... Let me help you with that.

- Thank you.

Excuse me for asking...

...but why did you

slap yourself like that?

Promise you won't laugh?

I promise.

I have obsessive

compulsive disorder.

I have these little rituals

that I can't help doing.

I can't touch doorknobs,

I snap my fingers when I see a bus.

And when someone sneezes,

I slap myself three times.

I've heard of that. That's not so bad.

I'm sorry. Bells make me do that.

It got me kicked out of school.

It's okay. Everyone's got

a few weird habits.

Actually, I've got about 130.

So you're above average.

I mean...

I'm Deuce.

I'm Eva.

Is that a Sudanese Sweetlips?

- How did you know?

- It's, like, my top-five favorite fish.

They have one

here at the aquarium.

I heard this place is incredible.

The doorknob?

I'll get it. Okay.

Thanks. Thank you.

He's beautiful.

That's really good.

Thank you.

Excuse me, but in America they don't

allow smoking in aquariums.

Well, in Europe, we don't unilaterally

attack a country just to steal their oil.

What?

"What?" Did I offend you?

Are you going to shock and awe me?

Maybe you should check my pockets

for weapons of mass destruction!

What? I just asked you

to put your cigarette out.

And then what is next?

Take wine away from my children?

I put out this cigarette.

God bless America.

The nicotine in that cigarette

is poisonous.

- So they say.

- It could kill every fish in that tank.

Poor little fishy.

Hey. Why are you with that loser?

You have a nice ass.

I think this belongs to you.

You dick!

I would like to take you from behind.

My penis is uncircumcised.

No head.

It's like a torpedo.

- You pig.

- Oh, are you tired of swimming?

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