Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo Page #4

Did the little fishies

not want to play with you?

F*** off, you Yank!

I'm staying with

my uncle for the summer.

Then I go back

to art school in Brussels.

Could I take you out

for coffee sometime?

You mean like a date?

Well, yeah.

Oh, the siren.

Right. Right. Siren.

Before I can go on a date I have to

collect five different colored tulips...

...eat two herring and drink a beer

from a wooden shoe.

Well, that sounds doable.

What is it?

The accordion player?

The Smelly Finger Dance.

One cheek at a time.

Hey, guys. I need a quick gigolo fix.

What do you say?

I'm judging a sandcastle-building

competition this afternoon...

...so I can't help you.

The dog ate my penis.

You don't have to walk me

any further. I just work over there.

- I don't mind.

- I'm kind of embarrassed of my job.

I'm kind of embarrassed of my job too.

What do you do?

Bye, Deuce.

Well, well, well. If it isn't

Deuce Not-So-Big-Below.

It's Bigalow.

What's your going rate, Douche?

Well, I was getting $10.

Okay, gigolo. Do you even know

when a woman is having an orgasm?

Sure I know. It's when she says:

"Please stop. It's okay. You tried.

Now, get off me. "

I bet he doesn't even know

how to give a Sneaky Castro.

Well, that depends. If she wants it

regular sneaky or extra sneaky.

There is no such thing

as an Extra Sneaky Castro.

Is there?

It's when you stick it in their...

It's pretty convenient, your friend

killing off all the competition.

I've got my eye on you, Small-Below.

Small-Below.

I'll be right down.

Okay.

This is the woman

that went out with Heinz...

...the night before

he was murdered.

Don't worry about it, Sherlock Ho.

I ain't gonna let you out of my sight.

Hi, you must be Lily. I'm Deuce.

Nice to meet you.

Would you like some bread?

Oh, I can't have bread.

It's makes my

esophageal lining swell up...

...and could block my throat-hole.

- Excuse me for a second.

- Sure.

Pardon me. I had to clear.

Yeah.

- So, what do you do?

- I just got fired.

- I'm sorry.

- I was a phone-sex operator.

I only lasted a week.

They were jealous of me.

I heard that Heinz Hummer

had a bit of a jealous streak.

I bet you're glad he's dead.

Heinz was the most

gentle man I ever knew.

I miss him and his mangina.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm sorry. I can see that

you really liked Heinz.

- Here, let me get that for you.

- Thanks.

- Let's go.

- I think I'm gonna puke.

I started smoking again

when I lost my job.

If I don't find another one pretty soon,

I'm gonna lose my house.

Well, we'll just have to find

you a new one.

- Relax. Have some wine.

- Thanks.

I don't normally drink red wine so...

I have hiccups.

- Gone down the wrong hole, I think.

- Check, please.

Deuce, I can't thank you enough.

It's good for you, it's good for them.

I'm just glad it worked out.

- I better get to work.

- I'll be hearing from you.

Okay.

The white zone is for loading

and unloading of vehicles only.

There is no parking

in the white zone.

Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night.

The white zone...

I am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.

I am here for my 12:30

ass-hair bleaching.

Okay. How blond do you wanna go?

Gwyneth.

Good choice.

Oh, hey.

I got a real Janeane Garofalo

situation back there, so go for it.

So, Enzo...

...got any she-johns

lined up for tonight?

Well, I did a Chili Rainbow

last night so I'm exhausted.

What about you, Assapopulus?

I've got the herpes so...

What are you gonna do?

Liar!

- Mahmoud!

- What's your excuse?

I just realized I'm gay.

Any of you guys want a blowj*b?

I do.

Well...

Okay, then. I better go

put that penis in my mouth.

You're all afraid

of the Man-whore Killer.

- No. Come on.

- No, we're not.

- Get down!

- I don't wanna die!

You really should find

a better hiding place.

Oh, you haven't heard.

- Rodrigo's been killed.

- No.

Oh, my God, why? He was just

having his ass hair bleached.

He got much more than that,

I can assure you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm very happy that Scotland Yard...

... has now joined the search

for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson.

Thank you very much.

So how about this next one?

Svetlana Revenko.

The Russian women are

a little freaky down below.

Hair start in the front,

don't end till it get to the back.

So if you gotta give

a little mouth-to-south...

...put a clothespin on your nose.

I'll keep that in mind.

Wish me luck.

Gasov. You mind changing that

to the weather channel?

It's gonna be cold tomorrow.

I have been waiting for you,

Mr. Bigalow.

Aren't you afraid to work with the

Man-whore Killer on the loose?

What do you know about it?

Apparently there's some maniac

who's killing them all.

Some people say they deserve it.

What do you think?

I think everything

happens for reason.

You're probably wondering

why I'm wearing this veil.

I wasn't, but if you

wanna talk about it, cool.

I grew up in Chernobyl.

Chernobyl.

- What a pretty name.

- My mother...

...she work in nuclear reactor

when she was pregnant with me.

Instead of a nose, I was born

with an appendage on my face.

A male appendage.

No sh*t?

I have always been a little

self-conscious about it.

Well, you shouldn't. I mean...

A lot of women would love

to have a guy's dick on their face.

Yours is just permanent.

You are sweet.

And very handsome

for an American.

I like you.

I would love to hear

some Latin music.

Well, I'll see if the penis knows any.

I mean the pianist.

The guy playing the piano.

The band has started.

Aren't we lucky?

Damn, no lipstick.

- You smell nice. What is it?

- It's Old Nice.

It's a knockoff of Old Spice.

I like it, but I think

it makes me sneeze.

What happens when you sneeze?

Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.

Oh, good Lord.

Now is a good time to turn.

Hi.

How long are you going

to be staying in Holland?

Only until I can prove

my friend T.J.'s innocent.

Is there someone waiting

for you back home?

It's kind of hard to explain.

Would you like to meet her?

She's here in Amsterdam?

It's my wife.

I got her right here in my duffle bag.

Kate, this is my new friend, Eva.

She passed away

a couple of years ago...

...and this is all I have left

of her and I...

Nice to meet you.

She was very lucky to have

someone so devoted to her.

Hey, can I see you

when you get off work?

Oh, you know, I'd really love to,

but I'm going to be so tired.

- Bye.

- Okay.

Eva. Eva.

Did you just kiss me nine times

because you're OCD?

No. It's because I like you.

Excuse us, coming through.

What are they doing

in there, anyway?

They're making a movie.

Cool. What kind of movie?

- I better get to work.

- Okay.

In there? You work in there?

- Yeah. Well...

- Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday.

- Thank you.

- Eva. Eva. Listen...

...we really need you on the set.

All the guys are waiting.

- All the guys?

- Yeah. I can't keep them waiting.

Bye, Deuce.

I'll put your name on the list.

Hey, whoa, whoa.

Back of the line, buddy.

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