Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo Page #5

Trust me, she's worth the wait.

It's a closed set,

you can't come in.

Like hell I can't.

Get off her, you little freak!

Eva, you don't have to do this.

Hey, I agreed to one midget,

not two!

Deuce?

Eva, you don't have to do this.

Do what?

- This.

- What?

This.

You painted that?

I'm a scenic artist.

So that's what you do here.

Hey, little friend.

I guess I owe you a big...

Stoner Steve here! Who wants

to get high? Stoner Steve!

- T.J., is that you?

- Quiet, you dumb prosti-dude.

I've went out with every girl

on that list in Holland.

- Find the rest of those b*tches.

- Those women live in other countries.

Goddamn, white boy! Pack up that

snatch-pole and go find the real killer!

Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Caf!

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, look at that.

Look at that, right there.

Are you sure?

T.J., there you are.

The girl with the giant ears

heard Heinz talking...

...about some photo in the man-whore

society. We gotta get in there.

- Why aren't you in disguise?

- I'm in disguise.

I'm in blackface.

- But you're black.

- Yeah, but I'm disguised...

...as a different black guy.

- You look the same.

- What you trying to say?

- We all look alike?

- No, that's not it.

You're such a racist. I got half a mind

to stop helping you save me.

Come on. Jeez, let's go.

Excuse me. This is a private club.

Man-whores only.

Hey, I'm a real good man-whore.

Just go ask your mama.

Still. I'm going to have

to ask you to leave.

That's what your mama said

after I bang her.

Okay, that's it.

Go, go, go!

Hey, your mama is in here.

It's okay. I know

what I'm talking about.

If you're going to stick two in there,

you're gonna need a lot of lubricant.

I know what I'm talking about, huh?

Okay, I gotta go now, Ma.

Hey, this thing is locked.

Man! I only heard about this place.

This is where

man-whoring all started.

Check it out. You know who this is?

He was the first guy

to keep from shooting his load...

...by thinking about sports.

This guy, here?

Baron Von Doggy Style.

Led a pimping expedition

to the Arctic Circle.

Froze to death

sixty-nining a moose.

The only thing left of him

is this stick...

...which he used

to b*tch-slap Eskimos.

Now, this brother here,

Kunta Kuntlicker.

He's the Jackie Robinson

of ass-eating.

Vladmir Suckmeov.

The first man-ho in space.

They were studying...

...the effects of zero gravity

on the reach-around.

- Will you cut it out?

- I'm sorry. This is my Graceland.

Hey. Wait a minute.

Hey, check this out.

That's the blond lady with the

leopard coat. This must be the killer.

So, what are you going to wear

to the Man-whore Awards?

I thought I'd go with a tux and satin

chaps with my ass-plug cuff link...

- You left the trophy case open again.

- Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.

Deucey.

- I gotta fart.

- You gotta what?

- I gotta fart.

- Well, hold it.

I hear something.

I think the building is squeaking.

Maybe it's a bird.

You idiot!

- Go.

- Bigalow!

Security! Stop them!

T.J.

- Move the curtain!

- What the hell?

Somebody smoked a he-b*tch!

- Enzo? He kill Enzo.

- No, no, I didn't do it.

What is that?

That is not a dick in my hand.

Anybody got some antibacterial gel?

I got burnt dick on my hand.

Eva. Eva.

- I'm in the shower.

- T.J.'s been arrested.

I can't hear you!

I'll be out in a minute!

In his gayest murder yet, the

homosexual Man-whore Killer...

... murdered famed gigolo

Enzo Giarraputo.

Our meteorologist Truus is sick today.

Filling in is Henk van de Berg.

What's the matter?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Like what?

I'll get that. I was a

Boy Scout for almost a week.

So is your uncle home?

No. We're completely alone.

Would you like some cheese?

I'm lactose intolerant.

Why are you so jumpy?

Maybe I can help you relax.

You're shaking.

Maybe it's because I'm cold.

I can fix that.

Why don't you pour us a drink.

So I guess we're all alone, huh?

Yes.

Deuce. You're scaring me.

Eva.

Listen, everything I'm about to do

is because I really care for you.

Oh, Deuce.

Now, I don't know why...

I don't know why you've done this, but

I'm gonna give you everything I've got.

Deuce?

- Don't go in there. Stop!

- Gaspar. Gaspar.

I know who the killer is.

I know who the killer is.

I know who the killer is.

I knew sooner or later

someone would figure it out.

I'm sorry I have to be

the one to tell you.

It's Eva.

It's Eva?

You mean my niece Eva?

I know it sounds crazy...

...but I found the lipstick.

The same lipstick the killer used.

Shimmer Lavender Love number 66,

at your house.

And you found it in the pocket

of a trench coat hanging in the closet?

Exactly. Plus, I heard her whistling the

same song I heard the killer whistle.

Like:

Now, you tell me.

Why would anyone but the killer...

...be whistling that specific song?

The odds would be astronomical.

Maybe the song

got stuck in her head...

...because she overheard

the real killer whistling it.

And maybe the real killer

is someone...

...very near and dear to her,

though she doesn't realize.

Sure. Or maybe the Hamburglar did it

and escaped with the Great Pumpkin.

Look, I understand this must be

very difficult for you...

...to be out-thunk

by a civilian like myself.

But we have to put

our egos aside right now...

...and do what's best for Eva.

She's clearly ill

and she needs our help.

You're absolutely right.

You know, the only thing

I can't think of is motive.

I mean, what could she

have against man-whores?

Maybe because they represent

a decline of this once glorious city...

...which has become a new Sodom

and Gomorrah for rich college kids...

...to smoke hash, to fornicate

with Venezuelan hookers...

...or to defecate on our

historic cobblestone streets.

They don't defecate on the streets.

Well, how do you know he's a tourist?

I mean, he could be a local.

Where is Eva now?

She's at your house.

Good.

Do you really think you need

all those weapons?

She doesn't seem that dangerous.

- You're not gonna hurt her, are you?

- You can never be too careful.

- That poor guy.

- What a dipshit.

Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men

of Europe can breathe easy...

Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men

of Europe can breathe easy...

... safe in the knowledge that all

of the continent's finest gigolos...

... are right here under one roof,

all asking:

"Who is gonna walk away

with the Golden Boner?"

In this car, we have Assapopulus

and his date for the evening.

- Damn it.

- His mother.

She's the woman that made me

start into prostitution...

...made me go into prostitution.

I wanted to become a doctor, but...

Uncle, you home?

What a beautiful couple,

mother and man-whore.

"Man-Whore Awards"?

Please welcome your host for this

evening. Johnny Vaughan.

Thank you very much. Can I just say,

ladies, gentlemen, man-whores...

... a night where we celebrate guys

who can get wood no matter what.

Do you know,

they have gay-pride days.

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