Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo Page #6

- Oh, my God.

- Yes.

- I'm going to kill them all.

- But why?

Don't you see what's happening

to our country?

But it's murder.

During the final number, when these

man-whores are gathered on-stage...

...I push this little button and:

Bye-bye, gigolos.

Shouldn't be that hard to pin the crime

on your good friend Deuce Bigalow.

I won't let you!

If you wanna stop me...

...it's as simple as touching

this doorknob.

- Where's Eva?

- Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards.

- I'm going there too.

- I'm coming with you.

Yes. Yes, you should be there too.

Now let me give you all

the lowdown on T.J.

Now let me give you all

the lowdown on T.J.

In Thailand, I got a job in a carnival

sideshow, eating broken glass.

We did six shows a day.

That's a lot of broken glass.

And it's all collected in the lining

of my anus.

My ass is like one big,

nasty cheese grater.

Here to perform his signature move,

the Chili Rainbow...

...would you please welcome

Assapopulus Borealis.

Deuce!

Deuce! Right here!

- Hey, Eva's right behind us.

- Deuce, stop!

What are you doing?

She's right back there.

- He's the killer!

- What?

You're with the killer!

- I'm with the dealer?

- He's the Man-whore Killer!

Eighteen-wheeler?

My uncle is the killer!

Oh! I'm with the... You're the k...

She says that I am the killer,

you stupido.

But why? What did man-whores

ever do to you?

What did they do to me?

All my life I dreamed

of being one thing: A gigolo.

Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.

I'll never forget that day. Never.

It was my first semester

at Man-whore University.

Now, today, class...

...we shall learn how to give a lady

a proper Portuguese Breakfast.

You take an egg and you crack it.

You mix them up.

Now, this is a good chance

to sweet-talk the client.

- And?

- And we pour that in there.

- Beautiful. Very nice, now. And...

- And don't forget the Canadian bacon.

Canadian bacon.

I was getting to that.

- What are you doing?

- It's a penis enlarger.

Just a few pumps

and it gets your thing bigger.

You mind if I give myself

a few pumps?

Go nuts.

There we go. So there you have it.

Tell me. How was your

Portuguese Breakfast?

Delicious.

- Elsa?

- Gaspar?

They knew she was my fiance.

And tonight I will get my revenge.

Leave it!

I'm from Canada and I'm wasted!

- Are you all right?

- Yeah.

- Are you okay?

- Stop! Stop!

Police business.

Come on, we gotta stop him.

Stop! Stop! Man-whore business.

Before we present the award for

Man-whore of the Year...

...let's take a moment to honor those

gigolos who have recently passed.

Hey, Daddy. I was looking in your

underwear drawer and I found...

...this bracelet.

Holy mother of God.

That's not a bracelet, boy.

That is a device that your daddy

has to wear on his he...

His he...

His he...

Happy birthday, son,

you got a bracelet.

Great.

Let's go. Come on.

Now the award you've all

been waiting for:

The Man-whore of the Year.

Listen. Go get help. I'll get

all the gigolos off the stage.

Okay. Good luck.

Excuse me.

You have to get off the stage

now or you'll all be killed!

Get the hell out of here, Douche,

before I have you thrown out.

- There's a bomb on the stage!

- You idiot.

You're all gonna die!

I'm the Man-whore Killer.

This is a bomb!

Everybody out!

Everybody get out!

You gotta get out of here!

You'll die with the rest

of them, Bigalow.

Those gigolos robbed me

of my manhood.

I was never able to satisfy a woman.

I'll see to it that they won't either.

You don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar.

Because you can please a woman.

Those gigolos don't know

what they're talking about.

Is he talking about us?

Do you really think

all a woman wants...

...is some guy to give her

a Mud Pretzel...

...or Turkish Snow Cone

or an Irish Facial?

- Yes, they do, liar.

- No, they don't.

A woman wants a guy who'll ask her

about her day and really listen to her.

- Or at least pretend to.

- Yes.

What?

When she's hurting...

...ask her how she feels.

- Cry with her.

- Yeah!

These gigolos are just

ripping women off!

I've never had any complaint

from any of those freaks!

I faked it.

A woman doesn't care

if you wear a Rolex watch...

...or have a gigantic schlong

like Heinz Hummer.

This guy knows his sh*t.

What are you doing?

Anyone else?

If you let a woman know you care,

maybe she'll give you an Irish Facial.

We will die together, man-whore.

- You don't have to do this.

- They ruined my life.

- Give me the detonator.

- No.

My penis exploded.

Okay, that's a tough one.

I'll give you that.

But having a penis

is way overrated. Trust me.

No. No.

Gaspar!

Are you okay?

We did it.

That's the grossest thing

I've ever seen.

And I've seen some

pretty gross things.

- In the car.

- Put your head down.

- In the car.

- Put your head down.

I'll be seeing you again, man-whore.

Deuce, you saved

the Man-whore Society.

The Golden Boner belongs to you.

Thanks. I'm... That's very...

This belongs to you too.

Hang it to the left.

You gonna eat that?

- Knock yourself out.

- Thank you.

So I guess this means

you're a real gigolo now.

I don't want you

to treat me differently.

How much would you

charge me for a kiss?

Well, the first one's always free.

- Deuce!

- What?

Oh, no. No, it's...

It's just this.

Deucey!

Thank you, Jesus.

Did anybody hurt you in there?

Oh, you asking if I got ass-punked.

Is that what's happening right now?

- Not if you don't wanna talk about it.

- Well, turns out I'm not that attractive.

Well, you've been cleared

of murder...

...but people still think you're gay.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Don't tell nobody I'm not gay.

Look at it:

T.J., the gay man's pimp.

I mean, I'm gonna corner the market.

Check out my new b*tches.

- Hello, darling.

- Hi, sweetie.

Love you.

Let's get chicken and waffles.

My treat.

So the first thing a brother wants

out of prison is chicken and waffles?

- Oh, come on.

- Get your she-c*cks back to work.

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