Diary of a Country Priest Page #6

Yet another scandal.

I think I called out.

My poor head

couldn't stand it anymore.

The image of the Holy Virgin

as described by the priest

was constantly before me.

A sublime creature. Her hands-

I stared at her hands.

Now I'd see them,

now they'd disappear.

As my pain grew more extreme,

I took one of them in mine.

It was the hand of a poor child,

already roughened

by hard work and washing.

I closed my eyes.

I feared, when opening them again,

to see the face before which

every knee must bend.

I saw Him.

It was a child's face,

without the slightest radiance.

I filled it at the pond.

It seemed safer.

They're all there in the house.

I had gone out

to bring the cows in.

You shouldn't let yourself

get in such a state!

It's lucky I found you.

I thought you were dead.

- I have to get up.

- You can't go home looking like that.

What's wrong with me?

You've vomited.

It's smeared all over your face

as if you'd been eating blackberries.

You're shaking.

Let me do it. I'm used to it.

My, my. Another thing entirely

from last week at the wedding!

Come to the rectory tomorrow.

I'll explain.

Heavens, no!

I've said too many

awful things about you.

Terrible things.

I know you didn't

do this on purpose.

They probably put

some powder in your glass.

They do things like that for fun.

But thanks to me,

they won't have their fun this time.

I'll take you as far as the road.

Hurry home now.

I had a dream about you last night.

You looked miserable.

I woke up crying.

The cloth was stiff,

and the water had turned red.

I realized I'd lost a lot of blood.

I was so surprised-

fear of death came only later-

that I decided to take

the first train to Lille in the morning.

At the cock's crow,

I woke feeling fine.

Another bit of hemorrhaging.

More like spitting blood.

Fear of death.

Strange how my whole body seems

to quiver around one point in my breast.

Dawn is always so sweet to me.

Bless mornings!

I pray better.

You're going away tomorrow, I hear.

Yes.

Will you be coming back?

That depends.

It depends... on you?

On the doctor I'm to see in Lille.

I thought -

That's Olivier's motorcycle.

My cousin.

Help me

as long as you're here -

against your father's will,

I might add.

You sure keep your cards hidden.

May I ask what you think of me?

A priest has no opinions.

You have eyes and ears

and make use of them

like everyone else, I suppose.

They would tell me nothing

about you.

Why not?

You're always restless,

hoping to conceal

the truth of your soul

or perhaps to forget it.

I'm not afraid of the truth.

And if you're daring me -

I'm not daring you.

I'd only agree to hear your confession

if you were in danger of death.

Absolution will come

in due time, I hope,

and from someone else's hand.

That wasn't hard to predict.

Father will be sure

to have you transferred.

Everyone here

takes you for a drunkard.

If you only knew

what I think of life.

I want everything.

I'll try everything.

I know plenty of others have died

without managing to do that.

If life disappoints me, so be it.

I will sin just for sin's sake.

That's the moment you'll find God.

I feel like - I don't know -

insulting you!

You think you can decide my fate

against my will?

I'll damn myself if I please.

I answer for you, soul for soul.

Are you just saying

whatever strikes your fancy?

I was at the window

when you spoke with Mother.

All of a sudden,

her expression became so gentle.

I don't believe in miracles

any more than I do in ghosts,

but I think I knew my mother.

She cared for fine phrases

like a fish cares for apples.

Do you have some secret?

A lost secret.

You too will find it

and lose it in turn,

and others will pass it on after you.

Where are you going, Father?

To Mzargues, to catch the train.

Ever ridden on one of these?

Want to try?

Come on.

You're not frightened?

How could I feel

so miraculously young then?

Yes, as young as my companion.

Things suddenly seemed simple.

Youth is blessed.

It's a risk you take,

and even that risk is blessed.

Hold on!

By some premonition

I can't explain,

I understood that God

didn't want me to die

without knowing

something of this risk.

Just enough for my sacrifice

to be complete when it's time came.

Too bad you're leaving.

We could have done this again.

I like you.

We could have been friends.

Me, your friend?

Of course.

Not that I haven't heard

plenty about you.

My uncle thinks you're a filthy,

good-for-nothing little priest.

I don't suppose you care

what he thinks.

You probably don't know

I'm in the Foreign Regiment.

The Regiment?

The Legion, I mean.

If you could only see yourself.

See myself?

Without that black robe,

you'd look like any one of us.

I could see that right off the bat.

You don't mean it.

I certainly do.

What? A priest?

There are plenty of priests

out there.

My major's orderly was one.

We only found out afterwards.

Afterwards?

After his death.

How did he die?

On a mule,

strung up like a sausage,

a bullet through his belly.

That's not what I meant.

Look, I won't lie to you.

The guys like to show off

when their time has come.

They have an expression or two

you'd probably call blasphemy.

But if God doesn't save all soldiers

precisely because they're soldiers,

then what's the use?

One more blasphemy

for good measure, and then... bam.

It's always the same motto:

''All or nothing.''

I bet you yourself-

You know, my uncle's right when he says

you have no social skills.

Admit it, our world isn't theirs.

I don't reject theirs.

But it lacks love.

Our chaps don't have

your wisdom in the matter.

God seems to them to stand

for a justice they despise -

a justice without honor.

Their own law has the merit

of costing a lot, an awful lot.

It's like a sacrificial altar.

Just a stone,

no larger than any other.

DR. LAVIGNE

PROFESSOR, FACULTY OF MEDICI NE

I walked straight ahead

toward the station.

I entered an old church.

I didn't even know its name.

I'd never felt such a violent,

physical revulsion to prayer.

My will was helpless

in the face of it.

This way you can go on

quietly writing your sermon.

When I was young,

priests used to eat too much.

Now you're as skinny as alley cats.

Beginnings are always hard.

Never mind. At your age

you have your whole life before you.

I knew to keep calm,

I had to keep silent.

Cancer.

Stomach cancer.

The words had rung in my ears

but left my mind empty.

I had expected something else::

tuberculosis.

I think I just frowned,

like when hearing of a difficult problem.

It took me a long time to realize

I was to die from a disease

that rarely strikes people of my age.

She left me alone

with a cup of black coffee.

I felt well and even

fell asleep for an instant.

When I woke...

God, I must write it down.

I think of my last

few mornings this week,

of the cock's crow

and my peaceful window.

How fresh and pure it all was.!

Even though I kept telling myself

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