Dick Figures: The Movie

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1

This is a story about

stick figures who live

in a world full of monsters and

explosions and raccoons

and a lot of other

cool stuff too.

And it all takes place

on a little planet we

like to call Earth.

There it is.

- Fart.

- Who the f*** cares?

- I can't

wait for lunch.

- Oh, my god.

Do you think there are going to

be boys at this school or

what?

- Ew!

Boys have cooties.

- Audios, a**holes.

I'm late for a rave.

Yee!

- Uh-uh.

Oh, no!

Not the Explosion Factory!

Ahh!

- Where'd you learn to walk--

cripple school?

Nice!

- If you're happy

and you know it, clap

your hands.

Kiss

my butt losers.

- Hey, b*tch.

You want a pixie stick?

- My mom says those turn

you into a whore.

- Probably!

- Oh hello, Blue!

- Hey, Lord Tourettes.

- Wow!

First day of class?

- Yeah.

- Splendid!

Mine as well!

Say, there's a young jerk

face looking for you.

Says he wants to beat your

back until you die.

Well, ta-ta.

Ha ha ha!

- Wee.

Ahh.

- Sup, bro.

You new here or what?

- Uh, yeah.

First day.

- Must be 'cause otherwise you'd

know that this seesaw's

for fifth graders.

- Uh, uh, uh, sorry.

I didn't know.

- Yeah?

Price for playing on the

fifth grade playground

is your milk money.

- But I'm lactose intolerant.

- Really?

Well let's see if you're

fist-tose intolerant.

- What's the matter, blue kid?

- My mom says I drink

too much water.

That's how come I cry

so much and pee.

- Gross!

- You know, I got held

back five years,

but my muscles didn't.

Uh.

Old MacDonald had a farm, now

you're going to die, nerd!

- Huh?

What is that?

- Wow.

- Look, it's an asteroid!

Oh.

- Uh.

Huh?

- Sup?

- Huh?

- Oh, my god!

Who is that?

- It's a new kid!

Get him!

- Oh, my god.

You're so sexy.

- I know.

- Dude, you saved my life!

- I know.

- What's your name?

- I know.

Uh, I mean, I'm Red.

- My name is Blue.

No matter what happens,

I promise I will

always be your friend.

- I know cuz I'm awesome!

- Gelato.

Mama mia!

Come

on, Blue, please.

I'm not

going to tell you.

Please,

please, please.

- No way.

I got you the greatest birthday

present of all time.

I'm not going to spoil

the surprise.

- You're such a jerk.

- Ah!

Oh, my god!

Ah.

- Wow!

You a jerk and a wuss.

- No.

Ow.

- All right you p*ssy.

I got to go to work.

See you later, Blue.

I'll call you tonight.

- Okay, smoopsie poo-poo pie.

- I can't wait to see what you

get me for my birthday.

- Hey, toots!

- Go to hell, Red.

- Okay!

See you there!

- Ahh.

Gelato.

- Dude, this place is a dump.

- You know where there

is a dump?

Your bed.

Ha ha ha!

- God dammit, dude.

Not again.

Use the toilet!

- Gelatto.

- Huh!

Mr. Dingleberry.

- You haven't paid rent

in eight months.

- Oh, my god.

You're right.

Here, let me get my checkbook.

(may.

I'll just wait right here.

- Gelato.

Ow.

Again.

- Expired, expired,

rotten, poison.

- Dude, you've been playing

that first

level for three hours.

Can you really not

make that jump?

- I can make it.

I just hate that little guy.

- Ow.

Momma mia!

- Move over.

I've got a degree in advanced

joystick theory and I ain't

afraid to use it.

- Yeah, I heard you practicing

last night.

- Uh, Olivia.

Oh, Mon.

You do it for me every time.

There, done with hand crocheted

towel of Olivia Mon.

Time to jack off.

Let me show you how this

sh*t's done, son.

- What the f***?

Who took the lights?

- I mean, we haven't paid the

electricity bill in seven

months.

- We pay for electricity?

- You don't!

I do.

- Wait!

All of our food's

going to go bad!

- All of our food is bad!

- Can't let precious

foods go to waste.

- Dude, you know that's

all expired?

- I don't care!

- Oh, god.

Not the milk!

- I'll keep you safe in

my belly, cow juice.

Ah.

I think I'm gonna vom.

- Hey, listen.

I, I got a big problem.

I totally just lied to Pink.

- Ahh.

- Her birthday's next week and

I told her I got her the

greatest gift of all time, but

I didn't get her anything!

- Give her this mayonnaise jar.

Ahh.

- No.

Come on.

You know what girls

like, right?

What should I get her?

- Hey, you should go

see the raccoon--

- See who?

- The vac--

- What are you trying to say?

- I can only say so many

words before I--

- The raccoon!

- Oh.

- He's got the coolest stuff.

- Yesh!

I don't know if I should

get my girlfriend a

gift in the pawn shop.

- You should get her

this cool hat!

- Yeah, try it on.

- So, you want a

gift for your girlfriend, hey?

- Whoa.

How'd you know?

- You

talk very loud.

Fits perfect!

- Did you touch

that f***ing bear trap?

- No.

Idiot.

- Um.

So me and my girlfriend have

been dating a long time and I

want to get her something

super romantic.

- I've got the

perfect gift for you.

But first, a story.

No!

- People stories.

- A long time ago

in ancient Japan my country

was at war.

My small village was

all that was left.

Knowing I may die in battle,

I gave my wife a symbol of

undying love, a lotus ower.

Armed with the weapon of my

ancestors, the Great Sword of

Destiny, I'd have to

confront my fate.

But the mighty beast, Ocho

Muerto, emerged from the sea

and took my wife.

I was too late.

In my rage, I fought the

Tachigami Demon Army and slew

ten hundred thousand

hundred warriors.

Honorably, all that remain was

Armor Tachigami himself.

Though he shattered the bread

and scattered it to the wind,

as he lay dying he said

to me, f*** you.

He was a douche bag.

- You may have won the battle,

raccoon, but the ghosts of my

warriors will haunt the Great

Sword of Destiny forever!

- And with that he

died, but his curse remains

guarding the sword against any

who may seek to use it's great

power again.

But the power of the bread was

too strong, even for me.

And in the fury of battle, I

found I destroyed not only the

Tachigami Demon Army,

but all of Japan!

Dishonored, my kinsmen banished

me from my home never

again to return.

Oh.

Sorry.

I was bored by my own story.

- Wait!

So where's the sword?

- There is only

one left alive who knows.

'Who?

- Hold up.

Why the hell would I

give Pink a sword?

This is retarded.

- No!

Bring me the sword and in

return, I shall give you the

greatest gift a girl--

No!

A woman--

No!

Agoddess could hope

to ever receive.

- Is it a dick?

- Yes.

- Ha.

Really?

- No.

Ha, ha, ha!

You're very gullible.

- Well, who even knows

where it still is?

- You must find

the man who considers me his

greatest enemy, my

son, Son Sun.

- Nope.

You're weird.

I'm just going to go buy

her some flowers.

- Sh*t, I'll find that sword.

This sounds awesome.

- What?

Really?

- Yeah, man.

It's a 10,000-year-old sword

hidden in Japan guarded by

demon ninjas.

That's the most awesome thing

I've ever heard of!

- Dude, you're going to get

yourself killed going after

that thing.

- Maybe.

But at least I'm not

a god damn P*ssy!

- I'm not a p*ssy!

- You are a p*ssy

with a capital vagina!

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