Dick Figures: The Movie Page #2

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I told you about the bread

because I thought you would

have the courage to do something

extraordinary.

- Yeah, right.

All he does all day

is sit in his room

playing with his joystick.

He'd totally get killed.

Have fun staying home, man!

I'll send you a post card.

- Ahh.

This was a mistake.

Only a true hero could find the

great sword of destiny.

But I can see now,

it is not you.

- You're wrong.

- on?

- Yeah.

I'm going to find the sh*t

out of that sword.

- It's going

to be very dangerous.

- Good, p*ssy's hate danger

and I'm not a p*ssy.

Give me that!

- Aw, yeah!

Time to get our quest on!

Woo!

(may.

Maybe I was wrong.

This is pretty scary.

- Seriously?

Do you want to get Pink

a sick present or not?

(may.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's go.

- Aw, yeah.

Follow my lead.

Oh, crap.

There's guards.

- What do we do?

- Cartwheel.

- Cartwheel?

- Ah.

Oh.

- Holy sh*t!

Did you see that?

- Uh, no.

- Me neither.

- Shew.

- Hey, you hiding behind

those crates!

"Ahh!

- Cartwheel, dude!

Ahh.

- Huh.

Where'd he go?

- Damn cartwheels every time.

- Woo.

See, how would you have

any fun without me?

- Reading is fun.

- Your mom's fun.

Ha, ha, ha.

Now let's find ourselves

a boat.

- How about this one?

It's perfect.

- Dude, let's just

get on that one.

- No way!

Have you seen how awesome

this thing is?

The guns have guns.

- This one's got b*obs

and beer.

Red?

- B*obs and beer!

- I'm going to regret this.

- Holt, bro.

This booze cruise is for

college house dudes and

dudettes only!

Hmm.

Oh, holy sh*t!

You're that freshman

15 dude, dude.

Didn't you, like, nail 15

freshman chicks in, like, one

"ism?

- Naked party!

- Here we go!

Woo!

Oh, sh*t!

That's, like, four!

- F*** my life!

- Oh, yeah.

That was back in my

college years.

Can't believe this, only 15.

- Yes, bro.

Yes!

That what I'm talking about!

Dude, welcome aboard

bro dude bro.

Keg's on the poop deck, babes

on the port side.

Watch out for Neptune.

- Mm.

Mm.

Ahh!

Party foul!

Aw.

- Whoa!

Titties, here I come!

- Oh, wow.

That was away easy.

- Halt, bro!

This party train's sailing for

Port Cool so consider yourself

the third wheel.

- Wait.

But I thought we were cool?

- You thought thinking

was cool?

Dude?

- What the hell?

- Sorry, dude!

Should have banged more

freshmen chicks!

- How the f*** am I going

to get to Japan?

- Take your car, Stupid!

- Hey!

We only have room for

one more pallet!

- Should we load the beer

or the life vests?

- Load the beer!

No regrets!

- No regrets!

- Let's get this party started.

Captain DJ, make that

anchor drop.

And so Red and Blue

took a booze cruise across the

ocean blue, but they were

attacked by pirates and they

were all beheaded!

Just kidding.

They all got sea scurvy and

died out of their butts.

No.

These are all lies.

Unfortunately, they

made it to Japan.

But pirates sounded pretty

cool, right?

All right.

Here's Japan.

- Whoa!

All right!

- Dude, this place

is so racist.

pay phone,

b*tches.

- You ladies want to

sumo wrestle?

- I'm gonna die here.

- See ya, dudes!

No regrets!

- No regrets, dudes!

- Aw, so happy.

- I am so angry!

- I'm in danger of failing out

of Ninja Video Game Academy.

I'm in love with him.

- F*** you.

- Why do the koi

fish cr- cr- cry?

Why do the koi fish

die, die, die?

- Uh.

This place is too

cartoony for me.

- Why do the koi fish

cry, cry, cry?

Da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, dead.

- Oh, sick!

Ramen.

- This this some crunchy

ass rice.

- Red, that's a bowl of

tiny cell phones.

- I've had a lot of painful

poops, but this is

gonna be a bad one.

- Yeah.

Good luck with that.

- Oh.

You need the directions?

- Oh yeah.

Wow.

That would be great.

Thanks!

Uh,.

{Speaking japanese]

- Um.

We're trying to get to

this restaurant.

Do you know it?

- Ha.

He.

Oh.

- Are you okay?

{Speaking japanese]

- What is wrong with her face?

{Speaking japanese]

- Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

You are extremely unhelpful.

{Speaking japanese]

- Oh, my god.

All those animes were

documentaries.

- Ah.

That sushi restaurant

better be close.

I'm hungry for some

more cell phones.

- Dude, I think we're here.

- How are we going to know

what the racoon's

kid even looks like?

- Please,

have a seat.

- Huh.

Guess he's not here.

- Can

I help you?

{Speaking japanese]

- We, uh--

we've traveled a long way

to find this village.

Do you know the raccoon?

- The raccoon?

I hate that guy.

His voice sounds so stupid,

right, guys?

- Ha, ha, ha.

Totally.

Eat your noodles.

- I don't want

to eat my noodles!

- I am Son Sun,

son of Papa Sun, the one you

call the raccoon.

- What?

- This is my wife,

Wife Sun, and my son,

Grand Son Sun.

- Huh.

Raccoon looks nothing

like his family.

- A family he

abandoned when he dishonored

the mighty Japan with the

Greatest Sword of Destiny.

It was too powerful for him and

you will never find it!

- Oh, this is some bullshit!

I want some god damn sushi!

- I will cut the

sushi after I cut you!

"Ahh!

Wasabi!

Ah!

- Ah!

A spicy seaweed!

"Ahh!

Miso!

- Ahh!

Hot tea!

Oh!

F*** you!

Ooh!

Okay.

I will make you sushi.

- Ah.

- Oh, thank Godzilla.

- I think I like the cell

phones better.

- So the raccoon, uh, Papa Sun,

said that you'd know where to

find the sword.

- I swore an oath

that I would never reveal

the location of the weapon so

it may never fall into his

hands again.

- Oh, no.

It's not for the raccoon.

It's for me.

- Oh.

Well, that's fine.

It's just up at that mountain.

Nope.

- Whoa!

- Uhh.

Red Sun, you're so fat.

- I had a whole bowl of cell

phones for lunch.

- Ah, that explains it.

- Oh, sick.

- Damn, I bet they got hella

swords in there.

,Hey-

Hey, why you no pay?

Oh.

Mr. Makasan, you stop!

Very dangerous!

You go no further!

- Sorry, man.

We're kind of getting

our quest on.

- Yeah.

Don't worry about it, p*ssy.

Getting my quest on, singing

the quest song.

'Red!

Dude, wait!

- All the

girls are like--

- who's that

brave ass dude?

- It's mother f***ing

Red in the Temple of Doom,

boulders, air, roach,

snakes and spiders.

I'm not scared of anything,

not even fire.

A creepy ass castle and a

mountain mask, walking right

inside and I'm kicking

it's ass.

- Aw, a splinter.

This place might be dangerous

after all.

- Whoa.

There it is.

- Man, that little

panda was right.

- Oh, my god.

That's a bad one.

Evasive maneuvers.

- Huh?

It's just the hilt

of the sword!

- The what of the sword?

- It's just the handle!

- That sucks.

- You think?

We came all this way for

the god damn handle!

- Man, this is a cool drawing.

It's got, like, all

three condiments.

- You mean continents?

- Yeah.

Uh, there's squiggle, super

squiggle and America.

- Which one are we are now?

- We're on squiggle!

- So there's two pieces left?

- I guess so.

I don't f***ing know.

- Oh, hey, GUYS-

Sup?

- We are the Tachigami

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