Dick Figures: The Movie Page #3

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Demon Army.

Our blades burn like fire and

our fire stings like ice and

our ice is really

f***ing cold.

We are cursed to protect the

Great Sword of Destiny from

anyone who seek to use

its might power.

- We don't want to use it.

I-, I just wanted a birthday

present for my girlfriend.

- Then we shall kill her

too because she

will have the sword.

- Uh, wait dude.

Uh, can't we talk about this?

- The only thing we're going to

talk about is, uh, how that

you're about to be!

- Crack this!

This party sucks!

- Run for it!

- Seize their swords!

From our point of view, they

are the villains, not us!

He's supposed to be rational

from our side of the story!

- Dude, that's just cra!

- Stop running your mouth and

start running your legs!

- Why?

Are the cops coming?

- Yes.

"Ahh!

- This is all your fault!

I don't know why I ever let

you talk me into this!

- You shut up!

The cops are coming!

- They're not cops!

They're demons!

- Oh.

Really?

- Why do demons scare

you less than cops?

- Demons don't have guns.

- I should have never gone

on this stupid quest.

I would have been better off

getting her that bear trap.

- Oh, you mean that sweet hat?

- Red, come on!

- Be very careful with

that dynamite.

It's going to the Explosion

Factory.

- Ahhh!

- Huh.

Holy crap, we made it.

And we're floating away!

- What you talkin' about?

- I mean, the tides are carrying

us out to sea!

"AW, yea!

Bermuda Triangle,

here we come!

- Well, what are we

going to do?

- I don't know.

But hey, at least

we got sushi.

- Ah!

"See ya, Japan!

You stink crazy!

Row boat trip!

Woo!

- Would you shut up?

I don't know if you've noticed

or not, but we're in some deep

sh*t.

- Uh, I think it's called

a rowboat.

- That isn't funny!

We're stuck in the middle of the

ocean with only the hilt

of this stupid sword and now

we're going to die out here

and I'm going to miss

Pink's birthday!

- I don't know why you're

doing all this crazy

stuff for her any way.

Who cares?

She's just a girl!

- Well, I love her, okay.

That's why!

- What does that mean?

- Wait, you really don't

know what love means?

Course you don't.

It's this feeling you get

when you see someone.

Deep down inside of you your

heart starts pumping and you

just feel happy all over.

It's the strongest most

wonderful feeling you can have

for someone.

- So you mean a boner?

"No!

- Dude, I'm in love all day.

- You are such an idiot!

- I wouldn't do all

this for a boner.

I'd just go online and look

up pictures of your mom.

- Shut up!

I'm doing this because I think

she's in love with me too.

- No way, man.

She likes me.

- What?

- Yeah, dude.

She's always giving me

those dirty looks.

Mm.

- Because she hates you!

Red, not every girl in

the world thinks

you're cool, hot sh*t.

- Yeah they do.

Why do you think I beat up

all those bullies back in

kindergarten?

- To save my life.

- What?

No.

Dude, I was trying to impress

all those chicks.

- What?

- Yeah, worked pretty good too.

- You've beaten me up,

embarrassed me, screwed my

ex-girlfriends, crapped in my

bed, stolen my sh*t, eaten my

food and taken my

money for years!

I stayed friends with you this

whole time because for some

reason I actually thought

you were my friend too!

- Wow, you must feel

pretty stupid.

- F*** you!

Ahh!

You're such an a**hole!

I can't believe you

let me think we

were actually friends!

- Well maybe I'd be friends with

you if you weren't such a

god damn loser all the time!

- I'm a loser?

I caught you masturbating

to Animal Planet!

- That was one time!

You're just racist against

elephants!

- I can't believe I stuck

by your side

for 20 god damn years!

I'm not your friend anymore!

- Good!

I'm not yours!

- Great.

- Awesome!

- Good.

- I'm glad.

- Hey, baby-

This one's for you.

- Oh, my god.

Who is that?

Yea.

So, what are you doing

after recess?

- Huh?

Holy sh*t.

Red .

Red, are you dead?

- Naw, man.

Just tannin' my back.

- God damn it.

Where are we?

- We're in paradise, mon!

- No, we're not!

We're on a deserted island!

- We should really sail to

dinner island first.

- No, deserted island--

oh, my god.

- Huh.

Is there a burrito island?

That sounds way better.

- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

I'm actually going to die.

I'm going to die next to an

a**hole and I'll never see

Pink's b*obs again.

- Yeah, and I'm getting real

worried this place doesn't

have internet.

- Oh, sh*t.

Maybe--

Oh, no.

Where's my phone?

Wait, dude!

Didn't you eat a bowl full of

tiny cell phones for lunch?

- Oh. yeah!

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Come on.

- Nope.

- Dude.

- It's not coming out.

- Here, let me try.

- Ow.

Not so hard, a**hole.

- How about this?

- Stop it.

Let me just to dial it

with my butt muscles.

- Yup, this is my nightmare.

- It's ringing!

I can't believe I'm

doing this.

If you fart, I'll kill you.

- Careful, if I fart,

I'll kill you.

Hello.

You've reached Global Rescue

Services, ready to rescue you

wherever you are, especially

if you're stuck

on a deserted island.

- Uh, hello.

Can you hear me? -Well

hello yourself baby.

You can rescue me anytime.

What are you wearing?

What are you doing?

Oh, you know.

Just bored at work.

I get off at 7 if you

want to meet up at

Burrito Island then.

- Oh.

Oh, my god!

- Oh.

I think I broke the phone.

- Ah!

Screw you!

That is it!

- Where are you going?

- Home.

You can finish this god damn

quest on your own.

- I knew you were a p*ssy!

- This was the stupidest idea.

Stupid lame ass Blue.

That sword is gonna be tight.

Gettin' my beach on,

singing the beach song, hoping

that a crab doesn't

nibble my balls.

- Wow.

This place is paradise.

The sun is so warm.

The water's so clear.

The sand, like diamonds

beneath my feet.

The air smells sweet, like--

smoke?

Red!

"Ahh!

- Red, what did you do?

- What?

Oh, that.

- You ruin everything!

- It's not that bad.

- We're going to be

burned alive!

What is that?

- King Kong!

-Is- is that a plane?

- Bees!

- Holy sh*t!

It is a plane!

"Ahh!

Sky demon!

- Ha, ha, ha.

Cheerio old chaps.

Grab a hold!

- Perfectly executed signal

fire old chaps.

Spotted it a fort night away.

Still, damn shame you burned

down Burrito Island.

- That was Burrito Island?

No!

- Maybe it was Boobie Island.

"No!

- Who are you?

- You're flying with Captain

Major Lieutenant Crookygrin,

Private First Class Retired.

- You're a pilot?

- And an alcoholic.

1,000 flights, 1,000 crashes,

perfect record.

- Woop.

Wa- Wa- whomp.

Trying to ip us over

you old b*tch.

Did I mention I'm blind?

Alcohol blindness.

- Ha ha.

You and me both, brotha.

- Uh, woo.

- Ha ha ha.

- What are you doing ying

all the way out here?

- On my way to Gay Paris.

I'm meeting an old friend from

the war, Colonel Dingleberry.

- Mr. Dingleberry?

- He was a private

when I knew him.

Haven't seen him since D-Day,

or Dingle Day as he

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