Dick Figures: The Movie Page #4

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liked to call it.

Ha ho.

We are on a top secret mission

to stop two blokes from

finding the Great Sword

of Destiny.

- Uh, what two blokes?

- Oh. the dossier said their

names were, what

was it, Red and Blue.

- Say, tell an old blind

man your names.

- Uh, Tom.

- Uh, and Tom.

- Tom and Tom, not enough

Toms in the world I've

always said, by jove.

Jeff

For sure.

- This mission's important to

me lads, so important that

I've quite drinking.

In fact, I think my alcohol

blindness is

being cured as we speak.

I-, I think I see a cloud

and an eagle-- bastard.

My god, the sun.

- Oh, sh*t.

He's gonna see us.

What do we do?

- Run away, man.

- Dude, we're screwed.

- Maybe not.

You thinking what

I'm thinking?

- Never.

- We just get this guy

sloshed and he'll be

as blind as a pelican.

- Pelicans aren't blind.

- Come on.

Here, Crooky a toast,

for good luck.

- No.

No.

I mustn't have a drop.

The fate of the queen

depends on it.

- Wouldn't be very proper to turn

down a shot of English

gin, would it?

- B*tch, proper's

my middle name.

Woo-hoo!

Tally-ho!

- See, I told you this

was a bad idea!

- Whoa.

Dude, you're a lightweight.

- Balderdash!

I know that sound.

Gentlemen, we're under attack.

- Holy Crap-.

Are you serious?

- Don't worry chaps.

There's a 50-cal on

the top turns.

One of you old boys be a sport

and fend off those jerries for

old pip, will you?

- All right.

You shoot the machine gun.

I'll keep the old guy ying

the plane blind.

- That is the worst plan

I've ever heard.

All right, fine.

But in case I die,

I still hate you.

- I hope they shoot

you in the face!

- Seize their souls!

- Oh, sh*t!

Jet packed demon ninjas!

We've toasted to you, so now

we got to toast to me.

- Well, it's only customary.

To Tom.

'Who?

(may.

I got this.

- Nice evasive maneuvers.

You'll leave my mother out

of this, you twat.

- To mothers.

Everybody's got a mother.

- Your mom's got a mother.

- Oh, my god.

I just puked.

- Don't get cocky!

- Crooky.

"No!

Ahh!

- Hey, Red.

What's your favorite animals?

- I like the color green a lot,

but also the bathroom because

that's where you can barf.

- Hey!

Hey, I got the last one!

You guys see that?

Of course, you didn't.

Uh.

You guys see that?

- Pull up!

We're gonna crash!

- Are you hungry?

- You got to pull up right now!

We're going to crash!

- Uh.

Everyone okay?

- Uh, I'm fine.

l I'm dying-

Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, god.

Uh.

- Oh.

Here.

Take this.

- What is it?

- You two must finish

my mission now.

Stop those bastards, Red and

Blue, from finding the Great

Sword of Destiny.

It's hidden on top

La Toure Eiffel.

- What?

What does that mean?

- I'm counting on you my

dear Tom and Tom.

- No, wait!

What is La Tour Eiffel?

- Another ight,

another crash--

perfect record.

Ahh.

Now, tally-ho.

- May the eagles carry

you up to heaven.

"Ha!

That dude's gonna have

a hangover tomorrow.

Woo-wee.

- Uh.

Dude, wait!

Since it looks like we're stuck

together, we may as well

work together.

- I mean, I guess it was pretty

sharp shooting up there with

those ninjas, even though

you barfed like a loser.

- Shut up.

Come on.

Let's go find that blade.

Check please.

- Ooh la la.

Yeah.

I'm going to probe this waitress

for information.

Mm.

- Wait, you're going

to do what?

Red, where are you going?

- Pick up!

Pick up!

Hey, it's Blue.

Just text me.

No one listens to voice mails.

- Hey, Blue.

It's Pink.

Just calling you for

the hundredth time.

Wh- where have you been?

Mailbox

full, you crazy.

- Uh.

Damn it.

I'm going

to cut you, fool!

I'm going to cut you!

- Sup, b*tch.

Hey, Stacy.

You haven't seen Red

around have you?

Blue hasn't been answering his

phone for, like, two days.

- Who's Red?

- That guy you have sex

with every day.

- Mm.

Which one?

- The one with the hat.

- Oh, Steven.

- Sup, babe.

Ready for round trace?

- Uh, never mind.

- Red, when did you

get that hat?

- Sorry we couldn't meet again,

old Crookygrin but I'm sure

I'll see you soon.

I'm super old.

- Are you sure it was

Rouge and Blue?

- Oh, WP-

They went that away.

- Fantastic.

We will find them

no matter what.

- Comb the area and

your mustaches,

especially you, Jaque.

- Oui.

- Excellent work, Colonel

Dingleberry.

The sword is safe

thanks to you.

- You said I'd get a reward.

- And you shall.

You'll be seeing your

friend, Crookygrin,

sooner than you think!

- Oh, sh*t.

Should have seen that coming.

Ah.

- Yeah.

Let me show you how

to French kiss.

- Why don't you show me your

toure felle instead?

- Ha ha ha ha.

What?

- Red, what are you doing?

- Beat it, man.

Kind of having a private

moment here.

- Garson, there seems to be

an a**hole in our soup.

- Dude, Tachigami and

those ninjas could

still be out there.

We've got to find

La Tour Eiffel.

- Don't worry about him.

Why don't you es car go get

us a bottle of wine?

- Don't forget that

bottle of wine!

- Seriously?

We don't have time for this?

- Have you seen this place?

There's wine and women

everywhere!

We're in paradise monsieur!

- Nope, this is Paris and we got

to find that stupid blade

and get out of here.

"Ahh!

Why are you always bossing

everybody around?

What are you, the

king of Europe?

- I just don't have time for

another interruption.

Rumors, rumors, in

France it's called frommage.

It isn't a mirage.

And it.

Bagette, bagette, it looks

just like a duck!

You bake it in the oven and it

smells just like a sh*t!

Because France's favorite

meal is duck baby

cheese power f***.

- Whoa.

I swear, it's just

like my son.

- Dude, is that Lord Tourettes?

- Well hello!

Butt f***ers!

- Yeah, that's Lord Tourettes.

- Dude, what are you

doing in Paris?

- Playing the accordion.

- But why are you in Paris?

- To play the accordion!

- Garcon, I believe there's

an accordion in our soup.

- Uh, garcon, I believe there

is a man in our soup.

- What are you two doing here?

- We're here to play

the accordion too!

- Really?

- No.

- Wait, we're not?

- No.

We're trying to find something

called La Tour Eiffel.

- La Tour Eiffel?

Oh!

You must mean, the

Eiffel Tower!

- That's what it is?

- Reg, is retarded!

- Spread out.

Find those a**holes,

Rouge and Blue.

- And kill them.

- Oh.

Get down.

- I'm always getting down,

down, down, down.

- No one kills a mime

in my town.

- Stop it.

Now the French police are

trying to kill us too.

- This quest sucks.

Whose dumb idea was this?

- Yours, numb nuts.

Now shut up and hide.

- Oh.

Oh.

Sh*t!

- Uh, waiter.

Do you work here?

We ordered crab legs.

Oh, why yes you did.

They're right here.

- Waiter, have you seen

these two men?

- Uh.

- Our crab legs?

Mesh.

You food looks delicious.

- Mama, the crap's legs

won't come off.

- You must first crack

the shell.

There you go.

Take a bite.

- My, your food is

cooked so fresh.

It is still crying.

May I try a bite?

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