Dirty Beautiful

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1

- I had this haunting dream.

I thought I was alone and

that I always would be.

And then, I saw her.

- You're the one,

the one I've been looking for.

So, what's your name?

- Anything you want it to be.

What's yours?

- I'm David.

- Oh, f*** me, really?

Ya know what, I am so

in the wrong dream.

Yeah, I'm actually

supposed to be meeting a.

Hey.

Are you Jeff?

- High school,

what comes to mind?

First love, the prom.

For me, it was Netflix.

Ya know, Saturday nights,

just me and my laptop.

Annie Hall, Harold and Maude.

Ya know, any of those

unconventional love stories.

Ya know, those were

always my favorite.

Oh, oh, Eternal Sunshine

of the Spotless Mind, god.

It's movies like that, ya know,

films that inspired

me to move to LA

and write movies of my own.

So, here I am, years later,

I still haven't written

any actual movies.

But, I've written treatments,

which are mini scripts

and I have a lot of

ideas, a lot of notes.

This one's about Kat.

Trust me, she'd approve.

Where to start?

But I'm not telling

this story right,

and good story

structure is essential.

My life pre-Kat was quieter.

I storyboard for a living,

drawing pictures for other

people's films instead of my own.

- Don't tell us about you,

that's the worst thing

you can do as a writer.

Save that sh*t for Facebook.

Ya gotta be original.

Not another time

travel story, ugh.

I mean, do time travel

but, like the inventor is

this real feminist, right.

- Good, yeah, yeah,

wait, and wait,

the only way she can

get back to her own time

is to team up with a sexist guy.

- Right, right,

romantic, edgy, alright.

The sexist, he rapes her,

And then he's like a,

she kinda likes it.

So, is it really rape?

We don't know.

- Oh my god.

This is exactly what

Robert McKee talks about.

I finally get it.

I'm sorry guys, I just,

I feel like Helen Keller,

and you just taught

me what water is.

- Okay, who's next?

David.

You had a treatment

you wanted to show us.

- Um, it's not quite finished.

- Dude, dude, show us something.

- David.

- David, do it.

They'll make you cry like a

little girl but, it's worth it.

- Next time for sure,

like, definitely.

- Okay, okay.

- Alright, Sara.

Alright, you had a reality TV zombie pitch.

- Zombie pitch.

Yes, alright.

Okay, check this

out, scared alive,

got scared straight, right?

This town we put the juvenile

delinquents in the jail,

with real cannibals.

- Get out.

- Nicole, my best friend

and the biggest

crush of my life.

I even based the female lead

of my new script on her.

So outta my league but, I

made myself useful to Nicole,

listened to her, helped

her with her dialog.

I thought, if you

helped someone enough,

eventually they kinda

have to love you.

The signs were there.

I finally invited Nicole

over to my apartment.

It was time.

- What?

- Okay, um.

Ya know, we're great

friends, right, the best

and I don't want anything

to ever come between us

but, I've been thinking about this

for like, a long, long time. David.

- It's okay I know.

You're gay, and it's

so okay with me.

- No, god no, no.

Why would you even say that?

- Oh my god.

I just thought you

were building up to it,

it just kind of made sense.

- This sucks, this sucks.

- Okay, so embarrassed.

Alright, let it go,

just forget it, gone.

What were you gonna tell me?

- Oh no, it's

really awkward now.

- No, no, just tell me, I

won't say anything, I promise.

No.

- Woah, wait.

- Hm, that went well.

- I didn't.

- Break ups were so painful.

Especially the relationships

that haven't even started.

- Hey, Nicole.

I'm so sorry, I don't know

what happened last night

but, can we talk?

I'm around all day so.

I'm so sorry.

- I started hitting

the bottle pretty heavily.

- Voicemail, big surprise.

Wow, I really thought you

were different than this.

Ya know what, call me, don't.

Okay, Nicole, ya know what,

our friendship ending

is the best thing

that has ever happened

'cause I need to focus

on my work, okay?

- I admit it.

I have some issues

when I feel ignored.

I couldn't believe

finding someone

had always been this hard.

What about all those

primitive, tribal cultures?

I have blessed peace

With my Lord so near

Leaning on the

everlasting arms

- A lot of them

had arranged marriages.

I could perfectly see

the wisdom in that.

Commit first,

then, find the way

to make it work.

There had to be

some way to do that.

Skip dating, go

straight to mating.

And then I had an inspiration.

- Let's get married.

Let's seriously just do it.

- A Craigslist

ad like none before it.

- David.

David.

David, I read your marriage ad.

50 years old, Croatian woman.

I have a huge

immigration problem.

- I wouldn't mind

getting married.

Soon, if possible.

- Yeah, I'll marry you.

Then, you'll detail my

car, you little b*tch.

- I am f***in' pathetic.

- You have no idea

when you're life

is about to change, ya know.

There's no music queue,

there's no VOICEOVER like

"In a world where David's life

is about to totally change."

It just happens, for

better or for worse.

- Douchebag.

F***in' cum sucking b*tch.

- Ride my dick like a Harley.

- F***in' ugly.

- You bein' funny again, is

that your way of being funny?

'Cause you know I like when

you make me laugh, yeah, yeah.

- Let go of me.

- Where are you goin'?

Jesus, oh f***, where you goin'?

Oh sh*t, no.

- Woah, what are you doing?

- Go.

Seriously, go.

- No, I'm not getting

involved with this.

- You're already involved, go.

- You little f***er,

you little a**hole.

You wanna see me Hulk up on

you, I will Hulk up on you.

- Seriously, he'll kill us.

- Goddammit.

- B*tch, I paid for your boots.

- Jesus Christ, I

almost pissed myself.

Is he still following us?

- No, he's gone, chill.

- Who was that guy?

- Just another a**hole.

My feet hurt so bad.

Jesus Christ, they

smell bad, too.

Shoulda took a shower at

a**hole's when I had the chance.

- I guess I'll take you home.

- I don't really have

a home right now.

- That's hard, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, sucks.

- What about your family,

can they help you out?

- My dad sits in his

chair and drinks his life away

and my step mom is

a born again witch.

F***, such a b*tch.

F*** 'em, seriously f*** 'em.

TMI?

- Yeah, maybe a little.

Yeah, just a bit.

- I'm Kat.

- Hey, David.

Nice to meet you.

Oh sh*t.

My car is overheating.

Jesus Christ.

Gonna have to pull over.

You piece of sh*t.

- The old pull

over the car trick.

- No, no, I'm serious,

sometimes I even have to like

pull over a couple

times just to get home.

This can take awhile.

Like, if you don't

want to wait, you can.

- Nope, I'm good.

Got anything to eat?

You want a hand job?

20 bucks, so worth it.

- No, I'm good, thanks.

- Ya know, I don't

offer everyone.

But, you seem nice and clean.

- Yeah, I showered

today, ya know,

shampooed, conditioned,

really went for it.

Ya know, I don't

think I'm actually

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