Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

1

Your Highness, please allow

me to make this little contribution.

No, I cannot accept them.

But think of what

these could do for your cause.

Even though I know those pearls would

mean freedom for many of my people,

- I will not take them.

- Please. Please!

These could save the lives of many men.

The men of my country are proud.

They would die rather than have

their Prince accept charity.

Then think of the lives

of the women, the mothers...

The women of my country

fight alongside the men.

They are also too

proud to accept charity.

Then consider

the lives of the children.

The innocent children.

But... for the children.

She's the blonde in

the blue sequined dress.

Extremely rich, very married,

eminently corruptible

and a willing infidel.

Perfect.

Faites vos jeu!

Rien Ne Va plus!

Sept rouge, inpair et manque!

Faites vos jeu, messieurs!

Monsieur Andre, would you

see what you can get for this?

- Not the royal ring, Your Highness?

- Shh!

Do you want the whole world to know?

Excuse me. Is that man

there truly royalty?

- No, Madame.

- But you called him "Your Highness."

It was a faux pas. Please forget it.

You can trust me, I won't tell.

Madame, I am the police

chief of Beaumont-sur-Mer.

What makes you Americans think

you can buy anyone at any price?

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- No!

I've already caused the Prince enough...

Prince?

He sounded like he was in

trouble. Perhaps I can help.

If you really want to help,

forget everything that

you have seen and heard.

Forget the very existence...

of that brilliant,

extraordinary man...

of destiny.

Your Highness...

Your Highness, don't be

alarmed. I can be trusted.

- Are you one of my subjects?

- No. I'm an American.

Fanny Eubanks of Omaha.

I couldn't help overhearing. If

you're in trouble and I can help...

Thank you. But I cannot accept.

You've already risked too

much just in speaking to me.

I still wanna help.

You must understand. I

have powerful enemies.

They may be watching even as we...

My God, you're attractive.

It's late.

I must go.

- Has he left?

- Yes. Just a moment ago.

Good.

Please. You must tell me where he lives.

I feel it only

fair to warn you...

I know he told me he

has powerful enemies.

There may also be an emotional risk.

You see, His Highness has

been a widower for five years.

For five years?

Please, Your Highness.

Fanny... the

Freedom Fighters thank you.

This is for the overhead.

This goes to you, Arthur.

This goes to you, Andre.

This goes to me... which means

it's time to go to Zurich.

Excuse me. May I sit here, please?

- If you like.

- Thank you.

Good evening, sir. Would

you like to see the menu?

Oh, yes. I'm starving.

Really starving.

Oh! Prices.

Woo!

I think I'll just have some water.

- Water?

- Yes.

Only water? But you seemed so hungry.

I'm saving my money

for something special.

- My mother.

- Your mother?

Well, she's not really my mother.

Actually, she's my grandmother.

But she raised me.

My real parents... didn't want me.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- But my grandmother is wonderful.

She has a laugh that

can make the birds sing.

But she's been quite ill lately... and

the hospital bills have been adding up.

I just wanna do my share.

It's kinda tough for me because

I was never very good with money.

I just seem to take what

the Red Cross pays me

and I give it right back to them.

But I am going to help my gram-gram.

She is the one who taught me it is

better to be truthful and good...

than to not.

- Waiter!

- What are you doing?

Waiter.

- Give this man whatever he wants.

- I can't let you buy me a meal!

Nonsense.

I'll have a double turkey

sandwich on white, side

order fries, and one of

those large knockwurst,

three bags of potato chips, a

chocolate milk and two beers.

Why don't you have a beer? Three beers.

Thank you.

Forgot I had a first-class ticket.

- That bother you?

- No.

I love to love you in the night...

I couldn't help overhearing your

conversation in the dining car.

My condolences to your grandmother.

Huh?

Oh!

Oh... right.

Didn't you say she was taken ill?

I tell 'em what they wanna

hear if it gets me what I want.

Rather a shabby trick, isn't it?

I can tell you've got a

lot to learn about women.

Yes, I'm afraid I am a bit naive

when it comes to the weaker sex.

Freddy Benson.

- And you are?

- Lawrence Jamieson.

- You're married, aren't you?

- You can tell?

Listen.

We're the weaker sex. Men

don't live as long as women.

We get more heart attacks, more

strokes, more prostate trouble.

I say it's time for a change.

I say let them give us money.

Let's live off them for a while.

That probably shocks

a guy like you, right?

Well, it's rather a

revolutionary thought.

Do you really think it's possible?

Look what I did in the dining

car! She gave me 100 francs.

That's like, uh... 20 bucks!

Do you have any idea what it feels

like to take a woman for 20 bucks?

No, I haven't.

I'm afraid it's a

little out of my class.

- What?

- It's too bad.

We could've had a blast on the Riviera.

- You're headed for the Riviera?

- Yeah.

There's a little town there, supposed

to be crawling with rich women.

Oh. And what town is that?

Uh... Beaumont-sur-Mer.

Beaumont-sur-Mer?

I'm afraid you've been misinformed.

Beaumont used to be lively spot,

but it's been taken over now

by older, retired couples. It's quite dead

- Older, retired couples? Are you sure?

- Yes, I live there.

I'm considered to be the town's playboy.

All the social activity has

gone to the Italian Riviera.

Portofino.

Still doesn't hurt to check it out.

Some of these sleepy

towns really pay off.

Would you excuse me? I have

to phone my wife and children.

I always like to let them know

exactly what time I'm arriving.

They really got you on a leash.

Don't they?

Afraid so.

Well, here we are.

Older, retired couples?

- You have a ride into town?

- Yes, I have.

- Great. You can give me lift.

- Do you have a hotel room?

I never make reservations.

Excuse me. Is this train going to Portofino?

Yes, it is. But we're

getting off, right?

Scusi.

- We're getting off, right?

- Uh...

Gee.

- How far up is Portofino?

- Portofino?

It's about 170 km. I live there.

- No!

- Yes!

Come and stay with me. You

can always go to Portofino later.

I would love to, but my grandmother

is there and she's expecting me.

Your grandmother is living in Portofino?

Yes. Actually, she's quite ill.

Well, good luck. Give my

best to your grandmother.

I hope her health improves.

- Ciao.

- Ciao.

Ciao.

Your phone call did

not give me much time.

Marion was perfect.

Make sure she gets

back all right, Andre.

May I ask why she was necessary?

I needed a decoy. There was this

idiot sharing my compartment.

He fancied himself as a bit of a player.

Said he was going to do some

hunting in my Beaumont-sur-Mer.

Monsieur Lawrence, you can

afford to dismiss such amateurs.

- Surely he was no match for you?

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