Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Page #2

- You can't be too careful, Andre.

After all, a poacher who shoots at

rabbits may scare big game away.

Hey, Lawrence, listen to this.

"A clever, young American con

artist, nicknamed The Jackal,

has been working Western Europe."

If he's in the papers,

how clever can he be?

Now, to business. Krista Knudsen.

Widow of Lars Knudsen,

the Danish match king.

She left the Excelsior Hotel in Genoa

at 0740 hours this

morning in a white Ferrari.

She should be arriving

at approximately...

Ah-hah!

Here she is now.

Well, listen. I would very much like to

help your grandmother.

- No, I got some money here.

- Oh, no. I wouldn't accept it.

That's strange. There's

a young man with her.

- Please, I insist. I insist.

- I'm gonna pay you back.

- The poacher?

- Yes.

And he's no longer

satisfied with rabbits.

Monsieur Police Inspector, can

you arrange something for me?

- I'm gonna pay you back, though.

- No!

The usual?

Bonjour!

Hey! Encore, encore!

Yee-ha!

Da da-da da da

Da-da da-da da da

Da-da da-da da da daa!

Monsieur!

Merci.

Something like this, OK? All

right, here we go! Here we go!

OK. Two more! Two more. How much is it?

Have you seen enough, Mrs. Knudsen?

That money was supposed to go toward an

operation for his grandmother!

Here we go! Ha ha haa!

He's a confidence man. A trickster.

Will Madame sign the complaint?

Gladly.

I'm telling you, I didn't steal any

money from her! She gave it to me.

But, she filed this complaint against you.

She caught me with another woman.

C'mon. You're French, you understand that!

To be with another

woman, that is French.

To be caught, that is American.

God! All right, what am I gonna

do? How am I gonna get out of here?

It's very difficult.

The charge is a serious one and

you are a vagrant, an unknown.

Listen, I'm not a vagrant!

This is my point!

I know somebody here. I met

him on a train. His name is...

His name is... James... No.

His name is... James Josephson.

Oh, no, no!

James Lawrence. Lawrence! Lawrence!

Lawrence...

Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Fings.

Forest Lawrenceton.

La... Lars. Lars!

Lawrence. Lawrence Lacko...

Lawrence...

His name is James Jessenden.

Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Jesterton.

Lawrence Jesterton.

- Lawrence Jamieson?

- Yes!

Yes! Yes! We're like this!

Freddy. This is really very serious.

They don't treat gigolos

lightly in France.

What do you mean?

Until 75 years ago, they

were still castrating them.

Don't say that word!

- What do they do now?

- Well, that depends who the judge is.

- Inspecteur, qui est Le juge?

- Reynoux.

Oh. Judge Reynoux.

Good luck, Freddy.

No, you can't go. You gotta stay.

You gotta help me.

- Do you have any money?

- Yeah, I got about 12... 900 dollars.

No, no, no. I know this chap.

He'll want at least 5,000.

5,000? I don't have 5,000!

- Can you get it?

- I have... I have it at home.

I... I could fly home and

could mail him a check. I promise.

OK.

- Inspecteur!

- Oui?

Est-il possible...

Non! Non, non, pas possible! Crtin!

Freddy.

He says you can go... Ah-ah-ah!

He's got to have the rest

of the money within 48 hours

or he'll submit your

name to Interpol and

you'll never be able to

travel in Europe again.

That's fine, that's fine.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Lawrence Jamieson.

You know, I'm pretty

good at sizing people up,

and I think you are one terrific guy.

I suppose I get pleasure from

helping people like you out.

- I see you know His Highness.

- Who?

- The Prince.

- The Prince?

I saw him shake your hand

and pat you on the back.

No kidding!

- And you are?

- Fanny Eubanks.

Fanny Eubanks? Of Omaha?

- Of Omaha?

- You don't have to cover up with me.

It may be my money that's

financing your mission.

You're financing my mission?

Perhaps His Highness has mentioned me?

Oh, Lady Fanny of Omaha?

He called me Lady Fanny?

Oh, yes. Lady Fanny of Omaha.

He speaks of you with great affection.

Drink, sir?

You have done a wonderful thing.

Sir.

Excuse me. I'm very sorry, sir,

but the man said it was urgent.

- What man?

- The courier, sir.

He's waiting outside.

He said you would recognize

the secret password.

- What secret password?

- Lady Fanny of Omaha!

Hi!

Could you take this to the guest bedroom

and see that everything is neatly pressed?

Go ahead, Arthur.

Wow!

Wo-ha-ha-how! Wow!

All I can say is "wow!"

What an a**hole I was

telling you how to take women!

All right. How much do you want?

Oh, Your Highness, I

don't want money from a man

who needs every penny to

free his enslaved people.

- What do you want?

- This!

This! I want this!

This is what I want.

I don't want money. I want you

to teach me. I'm in your hands.

- You can't be serious.

- Larry...

Lawrence.

All my life, I wanted to

be the best at something.

I thought I was the best, till I met you.

I mean, I never realized how far you

could go with this scamming thing.

- You've opened my eyes!

- Freddy, this "scamming" thing,

as you put it, took me years to perfect.

- I got time.

- Why should I help you?

A guy with my mouth could ruin a

lot of business around here for you.

What sort of an education did you have?

High school diploma.

And you majored in...?

- Metal shop.

- Metal shop.

All right. I'll do it.

Ha ha haa!

I'll teach you, I'll set you up,

and pay you a percentage.

- Great!

- But with this one understanding.

I run this operation

and you do as I say.

Great!

Classes begin after lunch.

I have a plan for this Jackal.

There is a man who owes me a favor.

Rn the Knife. He is a

master with the stiletto,

and an absolute magician

at hiding a body.

- Andre...

- As police inspector,

I give you my word, the case will be

investigated in a very slipshod manner.

Stop worrying, Andre.

I tell you, it is a

mistake to take him in!

I am taking him in gracefully in

order to get him out gracefully.

- Well done!

- I look great, don't I?

- I know the moves!

- Yes, Freddy. You're ready.

But remember our agreement.

I'm in charge. You do exactly as I say.

Exactly as you say!

I feel like a kept man.

I'm sorry.

I'm going straight to Andre and tell

him to tear up the check immediately.

Oh, no, you can't! I paid

the 100,000 francs in cash.

Damn.

Please don't be mad at me.

Well, he said he wouldn't let you

leave unless I paid off your loan.

What else did he say?

He told me how you needed

that money for your country,

to help fight the communists.

It's just such a noble cause.

Oh, please don't be angry with me.

Pretty please!

Here comes a creep man...

He's out to get you!

There's that smile!

Daddy says we're gonna have the

biggest weddin' Tulsa's ever seen.

When do you think we can fly back?

Perhaps we should go by ship.

Oh!

Ruprecht loves the water.

- R... Ruprecht?

- Yes, Ruprecht.

Didn't I tell you about him?

Ruprecht is my brother.

- You have a brother?

- Yes, the young Prince.

You mean I'm goin'

home with two Princes?

Wherever I go, Ruprecht goes, too.

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