Doctor in the House

Hello, Marion.

- Hello, Butch. Back again.

- Hello, Grimsdyke!

Elizabeth, you've lost weight.

- Hello, Jessup.

- Oh, hello, Mr Grimsdyke.

- Back again?

- Once again.

New term wouldn't seem the same

without you.

Thank you.

What's the prescription? Same?

Yes. The Dean's coming along now.

I suppose

I'd better make an appearance.

- I think you'd better.

- At least I can read the paper.

Excuse me.

- Hm?

- I'm a new medical student.

Are you, now?

Well, I'm a very old doctor.

I was wondering where I should go.

Take my advice -

straight into another profession.

- How much?

- 15 shillings on the clock.

15 shillings?!

What? From Waterloo station?

- Via the Windmill Theatre.

- Oh. Clock's a bit fast, isn't it?

- 15 bob, mate.

- Hey, Taffy!

- Back in a tick.

- Hey! Where you going?

Hello!

- Taffy, lend me a pound.

- A pound?

Where would I get a pound?

And you owe me 32 bob.

You'll get it back. A bookie I met...

I haven't got a pound.

How did you do in the anatomy exam?

- Failed.

- Me, too.

Those examiners

never asked a question I knew.

- Back where we started.

- Never mind. Plenty of football.

- Hello, Mr Benskin, Mr Evans.

- Hello, Jessup, you old rogue.

- Had a nice holiday?

- Shocking run of losers.

- Any letters?

- Only bills, sir.

- Throw them away.

- Can you get me a head and neck?

- I want a brain.

- I don't know about a brain, sir.

Brains is hard to come by these days.

Times aren't what they were.

- Both failed your exam, eh?

- Back with the new boys... and girls.

- You'll pass this time.

- What time is the Dean talking?

Five o'clock. You'd better get going.

I'm about to ring.

I left a taxi waiting at the gate.

Pay him off, there's a good fellow.

- Excuse me, I...

- Sit down here, please.

- Name?

- Sparrow. Simon Sparrow.

- Have you been here before?

- No.

- Have you a doctor's letter?

- Do I need one?

- You're making it very difficult.

- I'm sorry. I...

- Have you been here before or not?

- No.

Very well. Go in there

and take your clothes off.

- Now, wait...

- Really! You are the limit.

- What's the matter, Nurse?

- This patient won't undress.

Won't he? We'll see about that.

I've been trying to explain.

I'm a new medical student.

- Taff, me boy.

- Hello, Grim. How are you?

- Hello, Tony. How's the love life?

- Easy come, easy go.

Excuse me. Could you tell me

where the students go?

Well, certainly not in here.

- Where are you looking for?

- Actually, I'm new.

- Could you tell me where to go?

- The medical school.

- That's right over the other side.

- Could you tell me how to get there?

Go past Physiotherapy,

right at Neuropathology,

left by Gastroenterology,

till you come to the main hall.

- Then it's...

- That's not the quickest way.

Go down there by DXR and EEG,

then straight on past ECG,

till you get to the almoner's office.

No, it's... You're going

in the right direction.

Thank you... very much.

You took the stitches out too soon!

- Funny.

- Let me help you.

It is customary for me,

as dean of this hospital,

to welcome new students

at the beginning of each year,

but thanks to the vigilance

of the examiners

in protecting the public against

the medical ministrations of idiots,

I see that I am welcoming

many familiar faces, as well.

Medical students, gentlemen,

were described by Charles Dickens

as "a parcel of lazy, idle fellows

"that are always smoking

and drinking and lounging."

That is, unfortunately, still true,

and the time has come, gentlemen,

for a change.

Mr Evans,

I suggest you devote to your studies

some fraction of the energy

you expend on the football field.

And Mr Benskin, I would ask you

in future kindly to remember

that nurses are here for the comfort

of the patients, not the students.

Furthermore, you will be expected to

arrive at every lecture punctually.

Last term, it was a disgrace.

Students thought they could come in

at any time that suited them...

Good afternoon.

Won't you be seated?

- May I continue?

- Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Your course here will be

for a minimum of five years.

Those of you

who at the end of that time

satisfy the examiners

you have sufficient skill

will receive your degrees and be

entitled to call yourselves "Doctor".

It will require the greatest

hard work, application

and serious-mindedness from you.

For your first two years

you will study biochemistry,

physiology, anatomy and pathology.

Three minutes shorter than usual.

Did he do female patients

and professional etiquette?

- I think he mentioned it.

- He must have speeded up.

- You heard it before?

- Three times.

Three times?!

You must be a very senior...

Not a bit.

I haven't passed an exam yet.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I...

Don't be. I always fail on purpose.

Shall we see the Padre?

- Is that what you usually do?

- That's what I do. Come on.

- Hello, Padre.

- Mr Grimsdyke. Nice to see you.

- Nice to see you. How are you?

- Fine, thanks.

- Good. Meet... What's your name?

- Sparrow. Simon Sparrow.

- Glad to meet you, sir. New?

- Yes.

I expect we'll be seeing a lot

of you. What'll it be, gentlemen?

- Two pints, please. Beer all right?

- Guinness.

Make one a Guinness, Padre. He's been

here years. Nobody knows his name.

- We call him the Padre.

- Why?

- Why? Shall we tell him?

- Yes.

Well,

the patients might get a bit upset

if the doctor

said he was popping to the pub,

but if he says he's going to chapel,

they're quite impressed.

- Hello, Grimsdyke.

- Tony. Been home yet?

Not yet.

Did you see that Indian girl?

Hello, hello! Are we going to be

knee-deep in boiled rice this term?

Oh, I beg your pardon. Simon Sparrow,

Tony Benskin and Taffy Evans.

- How do you do? Do you play rugby?

- A little.

- What's your position?

- Wing.

- Any good?

- I was in the school team...

Wonderful.

Just the sort of fellow we need.

I shan't have time for rugby.

No time for rugby?

Don't be blasphemous.

- Ah, rugby...

- Here you are, gentlemen.

- Five shillings, please.

- Well, Mrs Rivington-Lomax.

- Here, here.

- Five shillings.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

- Cheers, Sparrow.

- Yes, cheers.

- Got some rooms yet?

- Not yet.

- There's a list. I'll show you.

- Thanks.

- Have you met Hubert yet?

- No.

You must meet Hubert.

He's one of your ancestors. There.

- What is it? A specimen?

- He'd be offended at that.

He's the mascot, idol and oldest

inhabitant of St Swithins.

My dear fellow, I'm so sorry.

Sir Lancelot Spratt presented him

to the college as a student.

St Crispins tried

to pinch him after the championship.

Wizard set-to that was.

Three fractured mandibles.

- Hello.

- Hi, Tony.

Here we are. Digs, digs, digs...

"Two students have spare room,

nine-foot-six by six-foot-nine."

- How tall are you?

- "Medical student received..."

We're all just one big,

happy family here, aren't we?

Home from home. We're free

to come and go as we please,

as long as it isn't

after 10:
30pm.

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