Doctor in the House Page #2

And we don't have visitors

in our rooms, Mr Williams.

We don't spend more than ten minutes

in the bathroom, Mr Barton.

And none of us smoke in our bedrooms.

Now, Mr Porter's Ancient Greek.

- Mr Williams is Economics.

- Greetings, comrade.

- This is my daughter Millicent.

- How do you do?

Mr Sparrow's a medical gentleman.

How nice. I always think it's nice

to have a doctor in the house.

Saw a lovely film

about a doctor once.

He operated on a beautiful girl

and married her.

Come in.

Doctor, I'm sorry to trouble you

but will you examine my foot?

Well, I'm not really a doctor.

I'm only a student.

That's almost the same thing,

isn't it?

Well...

What's the, er, matter

with your... foot?

I think I must have twisted it

or something. It's ever so painful.

- Well, all right.

- Oh, thanks.

Don't bother to take off your

stocking. I can manage with it on.

- That hurt?

- Yes.

Does that hurt?

Yes, but I don't mind.

You've got such lovely, soft hands.

There's nothing seriously wrong.

- Cold poultice, that's the thing.

- Is that all?

- That'll do the trick.

- Will you put it on?

No, get your mother to do that.

I'm very busy.

Oh, well. Thanks a lot. Good night.

Good night.

Ripe tomatoes! Lovely apples!

I say, do I really

have to learn all this?

I'm afraid so, sir. Wait till you

start your clinical studies.

Don't worry. I'll see you through.

May I recommend this?

It's not on your list

but if you have difficulty,

you might be glad of it.

- What is it?

- The Student's Friend.

- Fits easily into the pocket.

- Put it with the others.

You won't regret that.

I must give you copy of this.

Yes, and I also want a skeleton.

Naturally. One can't get anywhere

without a skeleton.

Would you like the ordinary skeleton

or the de luxe with hands and feet?

- I think the ordinary one will do.

- Very well.

I'm not sure

but this one might suit me better.

No, sir. This has the most perfect

pelvis of any skeleton I've seen.

Oh.

Ripe tomatoes!

Two bobs a pineapple!

Hurry along there.

Now, come on. Hurry along.

Hold tight, please.

Grim, I've gone a bit wrong.

Can I look at yours?

Jolly colour, isn't it?

Like crme de menthe.

I'd like a waistcoat like that.

- Is that the colour it should be?

- I'm afraid so.

If I go on like this,

I'll pass the exam.

- Don't you want to?

- Heaven forbid. I must muck this up.

Let's see. What have we got here?

A spot of this.

Now a drop of what you fancy.

I say! That's a most pleasing effect,

don't you think?

- There you are.

- Ta. Mrs Rivington-Lomax.

Mrs Rivington-Lomax.

I ought to know who she was.

Who was she? A hospital benefactress?

A benefactress,

but not of St Swithins, of me.

She was my grandmother, bless her.

Rather a gruesome old lady,

but well-to-do.

She spent the twilight of her life

surrounded by the medical profession,

about every member of which

she was besotted.

Then one morning she said to me,

"If you'll train to be a doctor,

I'll allow you a thousand a year."

Well, medical training can last

a lifetime, if one wishes.

- So, of course, you accepted.

- She put it in her will that night.

It's not a gracious living

but at least one

hasn't got to work for it.

I'm not partial

to anything strenuous, are you?

Chopsticks? One, two...

This demonstrates

that the faster the subject pedals,

the more oxygen he consumes.

Faster, lad. Put your back into it.

You've got to work! Work!

And that applies to you all.

You've all got to work.

And now drains, ladies and gentlemen.

Drains. Immensely important factors

in the health of the public.

I've studied them all my life.

You must, too,

to be efficient doctors.

There's only one thing more important

than drainage. What is that?

Sewage.

Come in.

- Well?

- It's moved up to my hip now.

Out!

Landlady's daughter.

Oldest joke in the world.

- She went too far.

- Women are all the same.

The psychiatric ward calls it

"behaviour pattern".

- I've given in my notice.

- I don't get why.

She sounds a good show,

if you like that sort of thing.

- Doesn't help your rugby.

- Found anywhere else?

- No.

- Do you drink beer in bed?

- No.

- Oh!

I'd ask you move in but

the domestic climate isn't congenial.

- I could learn to drink beer in bed.

- Ah!

Oh, no!

- Come in, will you?

- Well, I think I've made a mistake.

I've come to the wrong flat.

I was looking for Mr Grimsdyke.

I'm his fiance Stella.

I live in the flat below.

Oh! How do you do?

You're going to sleep in there.

Have you had tea?

- Hm? No, I haven't yet.

- Oh, the kitchen's in there.

I have to go. I'm in a hurry.

I'm borrowing the bathroom because

mine doesn't work. Excuse me.

Oh, could you do this for me?

It got caught.

Certainly.

Thank you.

And will you bring me a cup in?

- What? In there?!

- Yes, I don't mind.

- You're all doctors, aren't you?

- Oh, yes. Yes.

There you are.

Sorry I wasn't here to meet you.

I was being feudal with my tailor.

- Made yourself at home?

- Er, yes.

There's a lady called Stella

having a bath.

Ah, Stella, my fiance. You've met.

Ravishingly beautiful. Adores me.

Splendid thing to have around.

Did you notice her sternum?

- No.

- You should. It's exquisite.

- Richard!

- She probably wants her back washed.

Is this is what Mrs Rivington-Lomax

envisaged for her favourite grandson?

- Richard!

- Coming.

Hello, darling.

Mmm... I forgot to tell Simon

I had a fiance.

I have something

to tell you, Richard. You haven't.

- Oh, not much I haven't.

- No, I'm serious.

I've been thinking.

I'm not marrying you.

- What?!

- I hope he brought his own soap.

Of course you'll marry me.

You're in love with me.

But I want to marry a proper doctor.

I can't spend my life

as the wife of a student.

It wouldn't be decent.

Now I must hurry

or I'll miss my train.

Did you tell him

we all have our own soap?

To hell with his soap! What train?

I've got a ticket for Sweden. They

have a lot of proper doctors there.

- A ticket for Sweden?!

- Yes. It's in my bag.

- This means I'll have to qualify.

- Yes.

- Well, my allowance will stop.

- Yes.

If Granny's allowance stops, we...

- Good heavens! I'll have to work!

- Yes.

- And you say you're in love with me?

- I am.

- Aren't you in love with me?

- Oh!

You know I am but aren't you in love

with my grandmother just a bit?

Mm-mm, but if you were

a proper doctor, I'd love you both.

- Well...

- Now I must wash and go to Sweden.

I must have time to think.

Five minutes.

I'm a very quick bath lady.

You've got to work, gentlemen.

Work, work, work, work, work...

Hydroxyl groups become a hydrogen

atom linked to a carbon atom.

Two stereoisomers are possible.

Alpha and beta indicate the isomers

on which the hydroxyls are above

and below the plane of the ring.

That's... perfectly clear, I suppose.

Why didn't we select professions with

no exams, like cabinet ministers?

Do you think they'll ask

about sarcoidosis?

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