Doctor in the House Page #3

- What's that?

- I haven't the foggiest.

If there's one on anxiety,

I'm home and dry.

- You all nervous?

- Oh, my...

Well, we're not overflowing

with confidence.

Your psychological attitude

is all wrong.

You're expecting failure. I'm not.

I just don't admit the idea

of failure. It doesn't exist.

I expect a pass.

One wonders which examiner

will be frustrated enough to make it.

- Phew! Cigarette, chum, please.

- How did you do?

That exam was an instrument

of torture.

Sarcoidosis. They must have heard me.

- It's over now.

- There's worse to come.

Excuse me. You see? Easy, wasn't it?

Ah! Your slip's showing!

- I feel very peculiar.

- Are you ill?

I don't know. I think it's passing

that anatomy exam. It's upset me.

Clever boy.

I feel better. It's extraordinary how

efficacious female companionship is.

- Simon, I think you should have one.

- Oh, should I?

Taffy, shouldn't Simon

have a female companion?

No! Not till after the rugby season.

Thank you. I've enough to do.

I'm worried

he has a mother fixation.

- I don't think so.

- We ought to find out.

- Who shall we get for you?

- I'll be your female companion.

- I have plenty of time.

- That's a very unethical suggestion.

Come and get it.

Dinner is served. Catch.

- Fish and chips.

- It's better than beans.

- Salt on the chips?

- Yep.

We're trying to find a girl

for Simon.

We think he needs a practical

education. Any suggestions?

- What about Rigor Mortis?

- That's the girl.

- Who's Rigor Mortis?

- One of the nurses.

- No great beauty but a kind heart.

- Fine for a trial run.

- I don't want a trial run.

- Of course you do.

Nothing to it. Just hold her hand

and look plaintive.

I had an awful job

to get here tonight.

I had to swap my late duty

with Nurse Gibson's bedpans.

Oh.

That was just before that awful case

where we had to use the stomach pump.

Look, would you

rather have some cocoa?

It is customary for me,

as dean of this hospital,

to welcome new students each year

and to address a few words to those

who are part of the way up the ladder

towards qualifying.

Among the latter are some whom,

I must confess,

I had regarded as permanent fixtures

on the bottom rung.

However, they have, to my surprise -

and, I suspect, to theirs -

succeeded in doing enough work

in two years

to pass their anatomy

and other exams.

I only hope that this state

of affairs continues.

This term, they will commence their

clinical training in the wards.

I wish them -

though not very hopefully - well.

- Toothbrush, sir?

- Stethoscope.

Certainly. Any particular type

of chestpiece, sir?

This type's popular. Well-balanced.

No, that's a little old for you, sir.

What about this one? Perhaps

you'd care to try it for size?

Oh, yes. That's very much

more you, sir. Comfy?

- Comfy?

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Yes.

It slips easily

into any of the resting positions.

I don't know which you prefer.

There's the posterior cervical...

or the axillary-inguinal position.

- It's very popular, sir.

- This will do.

Just starting in the wards, sir?

Will you pay or shall we charge it?

- Are you boys coming in?

- Don't be so eager.

Anybody would think you charged fees.

- Come on.

- You're wasting your time, old boy.

- Nurses only have eyes for doctors.

- We are doctors, practically.

And who are you?

- We're the students, Sister.

- Oh, are you?

Well, I do not like students

but I am forced to put up with you.

But I warn you, I stand no nonsense

on my ward. Is that clear?

- As crystal, Sister.

- Hmm...

You will examine patients five,

12, 18 and 20.

You will replace bedclothes neatly,

you will not walk upon floor

that has just been polished

and you will not talk to the nurses,

except on professional matters.

- Is that understood?

- Yes.

Very well. You may proceed.

Proceed?

- Proceed where?

- Choose a number and examine it.

Hey, there's a new lot of students.

We'll have some fun.

- I don't feel like fun.

- Cheer up. You're not dead yet.

You will be

if you let students get at you.

Will they'll know

we've never done this?

Don't be silly.

They'll think we're doctors.

I can hear the sea.

- Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon.

Er, would you mind if I examined you?

- I'm all yours, Doctor.

- Oh, dear. Er...

Well...

It's 76. I just took it myself.

Oh, thank you.

Would you excuse me just a minute?

- You stuck, too?

- Yes. What page is appendicitis?

I've no idea.

I'm looking for the chest.

- What are you doing, Mr Briggs?

- I'm being examined, Nurse.

- Are you? By whom?

- Good afternoon, Nurse.

Now, I'd just like

to examine your chest.

It's my stomach that's wrong, Doctor.

Yes, of course it is.

Now, what are your symptoms?

Hydronephrosis,

nephrolithiasis and renal colic.

- Thank you very much.

- He has hammertoes, too.

Graham said the original diagnosis

was wrong, but I...

Forgive me, old boy, but aren't we

inclined to be talking shop?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Broaden your outlook, Simon.

- There are better things in life.

- Such as what?

- Such as that, for instance.

- Taxi! Taxi!

See what I mean?

- Taxi!

- Look out!

- There we are.

- Are you all right?

I think so. Aren't those roads hard?

- I'm sorry, miss. Are you OK?

- Yes. It was my fault.

- I was too eager for a taxi.

- Are you sure?

Come to the hospital

and we'll look you over.

It's only my stockings. I don't think

hospitals can help... or can they?

- Er, no...

- Let my colleague examine you.

- I'm really fine. Are you a doctor?

- Well...

He's a mainstay of our hospital.

Aren't you, old boy?

- Er, yes. Well, yes.

- How glamorous.

I'll certainly visit this hospital

for anything more than stockings.

Do. We can always

find a bed for her. Eh, Simon? Hmm?

Yes. Sure.

Well, if you'd help me

into the taxi, I'll go home.

Yes, certainly.

33 Cornwallis Mews. Goodbye.

Hmm... Thanks.

Bye.

- 33...

- Cornwallis Mews.

Not a bad fit.

I know it's unnecessary but no gravy

spilt or anything, I beg.

It's brand new.

When you make love to her, do not be

too English, be more aggressive.

He can do without that.

He's late already.

- Got some cash?

- Yes, I pawned my microscope.

- Don't drink champagne.

- Why not?

Because it's bad for the wind.

- Where did you say to take her?

- Fernando's.

I haven't been for a bit but they do

a good all-in for ten bob.

- Hurry up. Taxi.

- Just mention my name.

- Where's my coat?

- Here.

- And my flower.

- Take it easy, now.

- Good luck, dear.

- Oh!

- Good evening, madam.

- Good evening.

- Good evening, sir.

- Good evening.

Simon, I won't be a minute. I'll have

a Martini if you're ordering.

Er, Mr Benskin told me to come here.

Mr Benskin?

I do not know that name, sir.

Oh, he comes here quite often.

Probably before the restaurant

changed hands.

You wish for a table, sir?

I'm afraid we are very busy

but as it's Miss Minster,

I shall accommodate you.

- You know Miss Minster?

- Who does not?

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