Doctor in the House Page #4

Something to drink, sir?

Er, yes. A dry Martini

and a pint of bitter, please.

We don't serve beer here, sir,

I'm afraid.

Oh. Oh, well, then. Two dry martinis.

- Large, sir?

- Yes, of course. Very.

- Your cloakroom ticket, sir.

- Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Oh, I do like this place.

- Oh, do you?

Do you come here very often?

Fairly,

but never with a doctor before.

Whereabouts exactly

in Harley Street are you?

Well, I'm not actually

in Harley Street.

- I do research at the hospital.

- Oh.

- Your Martinis, sir.

- Oh, thank you.

Simon,

these look absolutely enormous.

Your bill, sir.

Er... Is that absolutely right?

- Two trebles, sir.

- Are you in need of a stimulant?

- Yes, I am rather.

- Thank you, sir.

- Cheers.

- Good evening, sir. Miss Minster.

Would you care to order now?

Well, do you have any of that caviar

that I had last time?

Yes, Miss Minster. Also, we have some

pt fresh in and some smoked salmon.

After, there is some delicious filet

de boeuf or some chicken la Kiev.

Do you know, I don't feel

very hungry at the moment.

Shall we finish our drinks

and order later?

- Yes, if you like.

- Very well, sir.

I had to sit through one of those

heavy luncheons by the governors.

I hope you'll forgive me.

Will you excuse me?

I've left my cigarettes in my coat.

Of course.

- Isobel, how lovely to see you.

- Helen, Paul.

Hello? Oh, Taffy?

Taffy, it's Simon here. Hmm? Simon.

Listen, I'm in a terrible jam.

No, I can't explain about it now.

Listen, as soon as I've hung up here,

call me back.

It's Mayfair 11494.

Yes, say you're

the hospital with an urgent message

for Dr Sparrow to come at once.

He's awfully sweet.

Very young-looking,

but he must be brilliant to be able

to afford to bring his pick-ups here.

Simon, this is Mr and Mrs Gray.

Dr Sparrow.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

Doctor Sparrow,

I'm hesitant to suggest this,

but I was wondering

if we couldn't have dinner together?

- Er, well...

- I mean as my guests.

I'm celebrating a win at the races

and we'd love to make a party of it.

- You mean for us to be your guests?

- Yes.

- That's awfully kind of you.

- Fine. Well, let's order, shall we?

- Simon's not very hungry.

- I could pick at a little.

- Dr Sparrow, sir?

- Yes?

Your hospital have just rang, sir.

You're wanted at once.

Oh. Oh, how dreadful.

Can't you just have something?

Well, I... Well, I don't see why...

They stressed the urgency, sir.

- Oh.

- Well, if you must, you must.

- Yes.

- Fetch the doctor's coat.

- What? Oh, yes. My coat.

- Thank you, sir.

What a pity. We were going

to have a lovely evening.

Simon was getting

some delicious caviar.

We'll come next week.

Then he can buy us all caviar.

Yes.

There was smoked salmon...

caviar...

pt de foie gras. Fresh in, too.

Delicious filet de boeuf...

and chicken la Kiev.

- Morning, Sir Lancelot.

- Good morning.

- Morning, gentlemen.

- Good morning, sir.

- Not late, I hope.

- Not at all, sir.

Come along, my man.

You must pursue me!

- Boring cholecystectomies today?

- Yes, sir.

After last night,

I feel like one myself.

- How about that gastrectomy?

- Not so well.

Oh. Pity. Great pity.

- Morning, Sister. Ready?

- All ready, sir.

Splendid.

Now, lie still while I discuss

your case with these young doctors.

Take his pyjamas off, Sister.

You. Examine his abdomen.

Take that grubby fist away!

The first rule of diagnosis -

eyes first and most,

hands next and least

and tongue not at all. Look!

- See anything?

- No, sir.

Very good. Carry on.

Gently, man! You're not making bread.

To be a surgeon,

you need the eye of a hawk,

the heart of a lion

and the hands of a lady.

- You found it?

- Yes, sir.

- Well, what is it?

- A lump.

- Well, what do you make of it?

- Is it kidney? Is it spleen?

Is it liver? Is it dangerous?

Don't worry. You won't understand

our medical talk.

Er, you.

What are we going to do about it?

Erm...

Cut it out, man! Cut it out! And

where shall we make the incision?

Nothing like large enough.

Keyhole surgery! Damnable! Like this.

Don't worry. This is nothing

to do with you. Now, you.

When we've cut through the skin,

what will we find?

- Subcutaneous fat, sir.

- Quite right.

Then we come across the surgeon's

worst enemy, which is what?

Speak up, man.

Blood, you numbskull!

You cut a patient, he bleeds, until

nature forms a clot and stops it.

This interval is known scientifically

as the bleeding time.

- You! What's the bleeding time?

- Ten past ten, sir.

"Ten past ten."

Old Sir Lancelot blew up.

Hello.

Sister Virtue nearly had a baby.

Hey, have you seen

that little fair-haired nurse, eh?

- The one watching your patients?

- Yes.

What about that, eh?

No. It was her that winked

when he asked that question

- and again when he bawled me out.

- Twice? You must follow that up.

- I've followed up enough already.

- Of course you must, mustn't he?

Certainly.

But you know what nurses are.

They're all right for a flip

but they all suffer from tinnitus.

- What on earth's that?

- Tinnitus? Ringing in the ears.

Wedding bells. Isn't that so, Jessup?

I've known young gents who got hooked

before they knew what a worm was.

Rubbish! Press on with her, Simon.

Are you two at him again? Let him

be celibate if he wants to be.

- Celibate? He likes girls.

- I don't want to be celibate.

Then how can I pick

a rugby team that's fit?

- You must ask her out.

- I don't even like her very much.

That's not the point.

It's your duty to experiment.

- You can't get near a nurse.

- Love laughs at sisters. Eh, Jessup?

Look, there's been Rigor Mortis, the

most expensive girl in the world...

This is the last thing I do for you

or scientific experimentation.

- It's beautiful, isn't it?

- All right, I suppose.

I wonder where the water comes from?

- The river.

- Hmm?

The Thames. The water

probably comes from the Thames.

Oh, I see.

- Could we have some tea?

- Yes, if you like.

Well, we might as well,

now we're here.

All right.

- You didn't want to come, did you?

- Why would I ask you?

- I think you were put up to it.

- What a filthy thing to say.

I bet the others said, "That fair

nurse is interested in you."

- Absolute nonsense.

- They cooked it up.

- No, they didn't.

- Admit it.

Oh... Yes, all right.

In a way, they did.

There. I knew it!

- Why did you come, then?

- I didn't know then.

I thought it would be rather fun.

I like going out.

I rather like you.

Oh, now I feel absolutely awful.

Oh, don't worry about it.

We all make mistakes.

There's no point going on with this.

I'll clear off.

Oh, please don't go.

Honestly, I'm terribly sorry.

I like you, too. Now we know the

truth, couldn't we start over again?

I'm an awful clot, really.

I wanted to ask you out often

- but I didn't dare ask you.

- Why not?

You always looked so superior.

You were always laughing at me.

I wasn't, Simon. Honestly.

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