Doctor in the House Page #5

- That ruddy suitcase.

- Oh, that.

Well, it was rather funny.

I suppose it was, really.

Look, let's start from scratch.

We'll buy a guide

and go to every place on it.

- From start to finish.

- Right. Come on.

- You the dresser, boy?

- Yes, sir.

Well, get scrubbed up, then.

Hurry up.

- First time you've assisted?

- Yes, sir.

Well, don't get under my feet

or I'll have your guts out.

Yes, sir.

Sir James Willoughby chased me out

of the theatre with a scalpel

- for getting under his feet.

- Oh, really?

And remind me to get some dry ginger.

My wife will play hell

if I forget again.

Yes, sir.

Don't forget, if you feel faint,

fall backwards,

not across the patient.

Everybody's pampered these days,

bewitched with free teeth,

spectacles and psychiatrists.

Good afternoon, all.

All right. Let's get started.

Left nephrectomy. Come here, boy.

You can't learn surgery

from the doorpost.

Now, although it looks easy

to you gentlemen,

I've been doing this operation

for 20 years.

All right to start, Stubbins?

He's a bit blue down my end

but you know your own business.

Sister, how the hell can I operate

with this jam spreader?!

Why is it that every operation I do

is plagued by incompetence

and blunt instruments?

Don't crowd me, boy.

That's much better.

Hang on to your swabs.

This is important.

You can cut a patient's throat

and nobody minds

but leave anything inside,

you'll be in the papers.

Now for the first incision.

Swab, man, swab!

Have I got to do everything myself?

Watching? Catch him, someone.

Another Spencer-Wells, Sister.

Hurry up, woman.

The edge of quadratus lumborum.

See it? Another clip, Sister.

What happened?

- He passed out.

- Oh, Simon!

Oh, don't be so silly. Thousands

of people pass out their first time.

That's right, sir. I remember

Mr Willoughby when he started here.

Sir James he is now. He couldn't stay

on his pins for three months.

- Nobody minded and look at him.

- You see?

I bet he didn't go out on a trolley.

For heaven's sake.

Have another drink and forget it.

- Do you think I will make a doctor?

- Yes, I do.

Well, you're a jolly good nurse.

In this case, anyway.

- Hey, guv.

- Oh, Briggs.

I'm terribly sorry.

- Were you looking for someone?

- Er, yes, I was, actually.

- Right.

- Nurse!

Yes, Mr Briggs, what is it?

Just a minute, Mr Lodge.

Nurse, he says that I've been

written up for the wrong medicine.

Does he? I'd better see

your prescription sheet.

- That seems perfectly all right.

- What time does it say to take it?

- Six o'clock.

- Six o'clock.

Any trouble here, Nurse?

No, Sister. Mr Sparrow was just

discussing a forthcoming operation.

- You'd better go back to Mr Lodge.

- Yes, Sister.

And to those of you

who are now entering your fifth

and, let us hope,

final year of your training,

I would remark that if you are to

master the subjects in the syllabus -

anaesthetics, paediatrics,

obstetrics and gynaecology,

ear, nose and throat and so on...

If you are to qualify

in your final examinations,

you will have to use all your powers

of concentration

and clear-mindedness. Mmm.

Hmm...

Erm... do you mind

if I try this on you?

- No, go on.

- Sure?

- Comfortable?

- Sure.

Do you mind if I give you a whiff?

- Oh, no, thank you very much!

- I won't put you right out.

If you put me half out,

I might never get in again.

- We're supposed to be practising.

- I'll practise on myself.

- We're in this business together.

- I'm not the sleeping partner.

- Simon!

- Here, hold this.

A- ha...

I'll be late tonight.

She's given me extra duty.

- What's wrong with her?

- I don't know. I'm off at 7:30.

- Same place?

- Yes.

Must fly,

Sister Virtue wants her tea.

Taffy! Taffy!

What have you been doing? Come on.

Come on.

Hello...

Hurry up. She's screaming for that.

- She's on the warpath. Hurry.

- All right.

Nurse Gibson! That was orange pekoe!

Don't you cry,

my little pretty. Never you mind.

Don't you cry, my little beautiful.

- Think I ever looked like that?

- You still do.

I'm worried about my first

call. I've never had a baby before.

Hey, this one's developing

antisocial tendencies, I think...

Yeah.

Ooh!

The more I read, the more I wonder

why Mother Nature didn't choose

a less complicated way

of populating the good earth.

I can't remember any of this stuff.

I suppose I'll manage in practice.

Stella, my flower, when we're

married, we'll raise geraniums.

Oh, no. We're going to have lots

of children. Six or seven, I think.

Six or seven? Get started on that.

Hormones control the psychological

manifestation of emotions

and directly colour these emotions.

Take the so-called emotion of love.

After all, what are we?

Just a collection of cells,

nerve impulses,

collagen fibres and hormones.

- And so, of course, are women.

- Mmm... Lovely.

Move.

For Pete's sake.

I'd just got sight of her disc.

I've just found her eardrum.

Well, my disc is just as important

as your drum.

Look, that's the very first eardrum

I've ever seen.

Oh, any fool can see a drum, man.

- Help!

- It takes brains to see a disc.

And what are little girls made of?

# Good King Wenceslas looked out

# On the Feast of Stephen

# When the snow lay round about

# Deep and crisp and even

# Brightly shone the moon that night

# Though the frost was cruel... #

Christmas Eve.

What a time to start midwifery.

I hope no mother starts producing

in the next eight hours.

Don't worry, man. The people round

here go in for large families,

so the mother should know about it.

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

- You on call tonight?

- Yes.

- Ever had a birth before?

- Not actually.

The midwife will help you through.

Here's your tackle.

Check it before you go.

- Have you got your threepence?

- What for?

To telephone the hospital if you get

into trouble. Who's first out?

- Him.

- You'd better make up your minds.

- Well, it's quiet, anyway.

- Ha!

Once it starts, they pop up like

rabbits from a warren. Good hunting.

- Merry Christmas.

- And Merry Christmas to you, Sister.

I just popped in

to see how things are.

- Quiet.

- Yes, same in Casualty.

I'm slipping up to Prudence Ward.

That Night Nurse.

I've been on her trail for weeks.

And you said beware of nurses.

This one's all right.

Wants her stocking filled.

Well, Christmas Eve, you know.

See you later.

Well, toss you

for who has a baby first.

Tails.

Tails. It's me.

- Who's that?

- Benskin the Ravishing Reindeer.

You startled me.

What are you doing here?

Bringing presents

to good little girls.

You be careful.

Night Sister may be round.

I'd brave any sister

to wish you happy Christmas,

you luscious little

Florence Nightingale, you.

Don't be silly.

Would you like some cocoa?

Cocoa?! I didn't come for cocoa,

I came for you.

Now, wish me a happy Christmas,

you succulent starched uniform

with a soft centre.

Mr Benskin, I'll scream.

Not a very loud scream.

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