Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

Tired of the same old you?

Tired of being out of shape

and out of luck with the opposite sex?

Tired of being overweight

and under-attractive?

Yeah.

Oh, hello.

I'm White Goodman, owner, operator

and founder of Globo Gym America Corp.

I'm here to tell ya that you don't have

to be stuck with what you've got.

Hey, Rory. Looking good.

At Globo Gym we that understand "ugliness"

and "fatness" are genetic disorders,

much like baldness or necrophilia,

and it's only your fault if you don't hate

yourself enough to do something about it.

That's where we come in.

Globo Gym employs

a highly trained, quasi-cultural staff

of personal alteration specialists.

With our competitively priced

onsite cosmetic surgery,

we can turn that Frankenstein

you see in the mirror every morning

into a Franken-fine.

Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense,

but think of it as a thinner,

more attractive, better you

than you could ever become without us.

How do I know?

Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym,

I'm also a client.

That's me, six years and 600lbs ago,

before I knew how much I hated myself.

That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.

But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen

to these Globo gymers tell you how it is...

That feels good.

Oh, the tickle machine.

Crash, no. Crash, out.

Bad dog. No grundle.

Come on down and join the winning team,

because here at Globo Gym,

we're better than you.

And we know it.

Spare me.

Mr La Fleur, this is Doris

from the Department of Water and Power.

We've been trying to reach you,

but your phone was disconnected.

We'll be shutting off

your water and power at 5pm today

due to an eight-month overdue account.

Thank you and have a nice day.

This is Seth from Videorama.

The following DVDs are now overdue.

Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5

and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you.

Come on, baby, be there.

Be there.

It's gonna be a good day.

I'm proud of you.

We're just around the corner.

My gym's here. I promise we're almost there.

You guys are lifesavers.

I appreciate the effort.

Don't pull a hammy over it.

Gimme that garbage.

Shouldn't you be on a treadmill?

Hey, Peter.

- How's my little tax shelter this morning?

- Everything's shipshape.

Don't hold out on me. What's happening?

It's just I'm trying

this new voicemail-dating thing.

And, like, no one's even left me a message,

and it's been almost two months.

There's someone out there for everybody.

- You think?

- Absolutely.

In some cases, there's two somebodies for

one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".

See you later, dater.

- Hey, Peter.

- Hey, Gordon.

- I'm wailing on my glutes.

- Sounds great.

I'm gonna shock the biceps later,

then some cardio. Keep the body guessing.

- I like to keep my body guessing.

- Sure. I wanted to ask you something.

- Did you catch the game last night?

- Can I say yes?

Amateur curling championships

on ESPN8.

- I had no idea.

- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.

I feel dumb for asking,

but how did you hear about it?

- OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly.

- Of course, the OSQ.

Started reading it in college, for the chicks.

- I'm glad that worked out for you.

- Thanks, Peter.

- Bye.

- Love the orange and love the headphones.

When I come back,

I want you on a different machine.

- You need a spot?

- I'm cool, Pete.

OK, come on. Let's get this out of here.

You OK?

- You're like a human Chinese puzzle.

- Thanks, Pete.

All that weight is dangerous.

It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading

squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser.

Hang on a second. You wanna become

a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?

Yeah. Why?

Nothing. High school's

changed a bit since I was a kid.

Plus, all anyone ever remembers is

what happened at last year's tryouts.

I'm the laughing stock of the school.

I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.

What happened at last year's tryouts?

Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched.

- Hey, Amber.

- Hi, Justin. Good luck.

Good luck to you, making yourjudgments.

And from the girls' line,

we need girl number

Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK?

I'm not wearing any panties.

Ready? One, two.

Liberty, ready?

- Dude.

- Can he breathe?

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- It was the worst.

- Don't worry about this Amber situation.

- It'll all work itself out in the end.

- Thanks, Pete.

You'll laugh at this one day.

I'm laughing.

Go at your own pace.

That's what it's there for.

- Who goes there?

- It's me. It's Peter.

'Tis about the matter of payment

for me membership.

Steve be a touch short this month.

That's all right.

Just pay me when you get the money.

The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt.

I'll make a barter with you.

In exchange for your kindness,

I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you.

Once I find it, that be.

I'm flattered by the gesture, but

a couple of bucks here and there will be fine.

Thanks, Peter.

- I'll be on the StairMaster.

- OK, Steve.

- Next time, maybe just say "hello".

- Gar.

Hello.

It's not my birthday till next month,

but terrific.

I'm so sorry. Hi.

I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone.

- Your bank?

- Right. My bank.

- You are very attractive for a banker.

- Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.

Really? What kind of law

are you involved in, pretty eyes?

Sexual harassment, mostly.

But I also handle real estate and tax law,

which is why I'm here.

- This place is in default?

- No. You're in foreclosure.

You were in default

when we sent you delinquency notices.

- I thought those were just warnings.

- They were warnings.

No one warned me. What happens now?

I make my payments out to somebody else?

You have 30 days to pay the balance

of your mortgage, or you lose your gym.

Perfect. What's the damage?

What do I owe you?

$50,000.

Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have

to wait till the end of the month to cash her?

I do have to switch some funds. The charity

I like to work with is gonna take a hit.

Mr La Fleur, I can assure you

this is a very serious situation.

Yeah.

This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch.

It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial

statements and assess any tax liabilities.

Absolutely.

I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr",

but if there was a "Ms Mr",

I'm a Ms as well.

You do keep financial records?

Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income.

You kidding? I got a closet full of 'em.

I call 'em keepers.

- Problem is I've never really filed them.

- No kidding.

Just out of curiosity,

who would want to buy this place anyway?

Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it.

Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up.

One more, b*tch. One more, b*tch.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Now you're my b*tch.

- Yeah.

Yeah, baby.

Involuntary spasm.

Look at the show. Enjoy the show.

This a bad time? I could come back.

Looks like some real dude sweat going on.

Add three pounds to the scales in the

women's locker room before you go home.

Refreshment?

I've got protein paste, carb laxative...

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