Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Page #2

- Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?

- I'm trying to cut down on those.

- They're good. They are good.

- Know what you mean.

Walk with me.

Hey, Brianna.

Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.

Nice job, Susie.

You call that a sit-up?

Don't slack, Trevor.

I'm watching you.

There's a good energy in the gym.

Let me guess why you're here, Pete.

Because I bought out

the second mortgage on your gym.

You've got 30 days to make $50,000,

or your gym becomes my gym.

I know we've had our differences...

Is that what you call

sleeping with three of my female trainers?

It was one night.

Or the strip-o-gram you sent me

for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary?

- It was meant to be congratulatory.

- It was also a man.

Let's not get hung up on details.

- We're both professionals.

- Really?

Last I heard, my gym makes money.

Yours doesn't.

My gym's worth over $4 million.

Your gym isn't worth four.

I have shareholders.

You haven't even got cupholders.

- Why would I want cupholders?

- The point is

Globo Gym is a beacon

of human physical perfection.

A benchmark in the fitness community.

Your "gym" is a skid mark

on the underpants of society.

See, Peter, I wasn't born

expecting the world to do me any favours.

I earned this body

and I built this temple

out of nothing more than

a little can-do attitude and elbow grease.

And a large inheritance

from my father, Earl Goodman.

So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build

a parking structure for my members, so be it.

There's nothing you can do about it.

In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that sh*t-heap

you call a gym into permanent nothingness.

I can only hope that you, and the mongrel

race that comprise your membership,

are inside it when I do.

Show Mr La Fleur out.

Turn it up high, Reggie.

I wanna burn.

So that's the deal. We got 30 days

to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.

I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A.

No need to raise your hands,

it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.

Yes, Peter, - and I'm just spitballing here -

but why don't we pay it off

in Canadian dollars and save some money?

Just so you know, if that's a route

you want to follow, it's 50,000 American.

It would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars.

- How are we gonna come up with $120,000?

- Owen, you don't add them together.

Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this,

but it's more like $73,313...

It doesn't matter. We can't come up

with $50,000. We're screwed.

Gar.

- It's an insurmountable amount of money.

- No, it's not insurmountable. Come on.

We can'tjust sit back

and let Globo Gym take us over.

Average Joe's is too important.

Where do you go

when your wife changes the locks?

- Average Joe's.

- Right.

Dwight, Owen, what will you do

if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport?

- I ain't working at no airport again.

- No. Cos you hated it.

And, Steve, where do you go

to do whatever it is that you do?

- Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve.

- Gar. You're right.

Do you see? There's no way I can go

back to working out at my high school.

They'd laugh at me there.

Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay.

But not here, not at Joe's.

I need this place.

You guys need this place. Come on.

I got it. I know how we can raise the money.

- How?

- Car wash.

What are the chances?

Same day, right across the street?

The girls beat us fair and square.

I am gonna be a gentleman about it and

congratulate every one of them, personally.

Guys. Not to be a nay-sayer or anything,

but the only customer we've had

is that weird guy

who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.

That's it, boy.

Get in there nice and deep, like.

- That's not good.

- Gar. This sucks.

Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout.

At Globo Gym,

we're better than you and we know it.

Sign up now.

Do you smell that fitness? I do.

Rock it and shock it, baby.

You gotta burn it to earn it.

- What's in the envelope?

- Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym.

- Cool.

- It's ajoke. He sent it to us as an insult.

Maybe we could sell 'em for cash

cos the car wash cost us money.

- We're further away from saving this place?

- Yes.

- We'll never raise enough money.

- This blows.

Guys, I know this is tough to take,

but if an impromptu car wash

doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need,

I guess itjust isn't in the cards.

Trust me here. If there was any way in

the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days,

short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.

We could sell blood and semen.

What? Not mixed together.

Guys, I love the enthusiasm,

I love the energy here,

but we're looking at this the wrong way.

Let's celebrate the good times

that was Joe's.

We gotta start looking at this Irish-wake style.

Let me be the first

to say goodbye to Average Joe's.

We gave it a hell of a run, guys.

Now let's try to have some fun.

I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song",

and we'll tear this place apart.

Wait, wait. Peter. Peter.

We could play dodgeball.

That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's

tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help.

There's a tournament in Las Vegas.

I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.

I read about

the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open

every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly.

Of course. That's a totally common thing.

The best part is it's open to any team

that wins a regional qualifying match.

- How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000?

- They have a cash prize for the winner.

- How much?

- $50,000.

Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000

for playing dodgeball.

- Why not?

- None of us know how to play dodgeball.

I do. We played it in PE last year.

They showed us this film about it.

- Can you get your hands on that film?

- Sure, I guess.

Can we please try to be serious

here for one second?

You said anything we could do to raise

the money. This is that anything. This is it.

Come on, show of hands.

Who wants to play dodgeball?

Come on.

Come on, Pete.

You guys had me at blood and semen.

Come here.

You want it, don't you, fat boy?

You want that doughnut.

Go ahead and have a bite.

Just a little bite.

One little bite won't hurt you.

Momma.

- Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you.

- Give me 30 seconds and send her in.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Hello, Katherine. Good to see you.

I didn't know you were dropping by.

- You asked me to come over.

- Did I?

Are you reading the dictionary?

You caught me. I like to break

a mental sweat too. Grab a chair.

So, I trust everything's going swimmingly

with our acquisition of Average Joe's?

So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there,

so I should probably get back.

- That is a really interesting painting.

- Thank you.

Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns.

It's how I handle my business.

It's a metaphor.

- I get it.

- But that actually happened, though.

Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here,

but there's always room for one more squaw.

So, please, whatever you do,

don't think of me as your boss.

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