Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Page #3

- I don't.

- I don't want to get into a formal thing.

I'm White, you know.

W-h-i-t.

E.

Thanks, Mr Goodman,

but I'm contracted by the bank.

They just assigned me to your account.

Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank

works for me so, ipso fact, I'm your boss.

Point is, I would love to see your pretty

little bone structure around here some more.

There's no reason we need to be shackled

by the strictures of

the employee-employer relationship.

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

In which case,

I got some shackles in the back.

I'm just kidding.

But seriously, I've got 'em.

I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman.

In fact, I actually prefer it over there.

Really? You like it with those freaks

over there in Loser-Town?

They're not freaks.

They're people, just like you and me.

People?

"People, just like you and me."

Oh, man.

That is what I love about you, Kate.

You've got a "personality".

That is rich. A real sauciness

that I find extremely attractive.

We should mate.

- What?

- Date.

We should date some time. Socially.

Go out and kick it.

- Are you OK?

- I'm fine.

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

In some cultures, they only eat vomit.

I never been there,

but I read about it in a book.

I'm sorry, Mr Goodman.

I don't date clients.

I get it.

Don't crap where you eat. I understand.

Me'Shell.

Please escort Ms Veatch out.

And, Katherine, make sure

my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly.

They're up to something over there.

I can smell it.

ber-American Instructional films,

teaching America's youth since 1938.

Hey, there, Timmy.

Holy mackerel, mister.

You scared the jeepers out of me.

How'd you like to take a break

from that fine lead-based paint,

and learn about dodgeball?

Boy, would I.

- Where am I, mister?

- You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.

This is where dodgeball

was invented in the 15th century,

by opium-addicted Chinamen.

Back then, the Chinamen threw

severed human heads at each another

instead of the ADAA-approved balls

we use today.

ADAA?

That's the American Dodgeball

Association of America.

Dodgeball is played with six players

on each team, and six rubber balls.

The object of the game

is to eliminate the opposing players.

Once all the players on one team are

eliminated, the opposing team wins.

Wow. I can't wait

to get the fellas together and play.

Hang on a second there, sport.

- Patches O'Houlihan.

- That's right, Timmy.

Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA

All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way.

- Jeepers. Really?

- You betcha, champ.

If you catch a ball that's thrown at you

before it hits the ground,

the player who threw that ball is out,

not you.

Plus, another player from your team

gets to come back into the game.

- It's a two-player swing.

- Thanks, Patches.

I can't wait to start my own team at school.

Attaboy, Tiger.

But remember, dodgeball is a sport

of violence, exclusion and degradation.

So, when you're picking players in gym class,

remember to pick the bigger,

stronger kids for your team.

That way, you can all gang up

on the weaker ones, like Winston here.

Nice one, son.

You'll be an all-star yet.

Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.

Dodge, duck, dip, dive and

dodge.

Till next time.

This is Patches O'Houlihan,

saying, "Take care of your balls

and they'll take care of you."

OK, guys. Any questions? Great.

I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier

tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre.

But we haven't even practised yet.

We have to qualify for the Vegas Open.

Tomorrow's regional's our last chance.

Everyone, just relax. I've always found

the best way to learn a sport is by playing it.

If anyone needs me,

I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs.

Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.

OK, I think everybody knows...

- Don't you have an office of your own?

- Yes, I do have an office.

A very nice office

with a view and air-conditioning.

- Rub it in.

- What I don't have in my office is a closet

of 30 years of financial transactions,

devoid of any filing system known to man.

Hard to believe I only got a semester

ofjunior college under my belt.

Do you realise you haven't collected

any membership fees in 13 months?

I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,

or do you really not have a goal in life?

I found that if you have a goal,

you might not reach it.

But if you don't have one,

then you are never disappointed.

I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.

I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.

Sad? You wanna know what's sad?

Six grown men playing dodgeball.

Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead

and do some abs, go shock it up.

I like to work out all the time

for this kind of sporting event.

Gotta be limber and loose.

That's the only way to play.

Hey, you guys take vitamins?

I take vitamins all the time...

Dodgeball, eh?

If Peter La Fleur thinks a few

red rubber balls can save his sorry gym,

he's in for quite a surprise.

- Sorry I'm late, guys.

- Hey, Pete.

- Bad morning, boss?

- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.

- Hey, Gord, your family's here.

- Where?

- Right over there.

- Great.

She knows I don't like it

when she watches me. I get all nervous.

- Kids take after you.

- Yeah. She's their stepmother.

I remarried three years ago.

An Internet mail-order thing.

- How's that working out for you?

- Really great. Really great.

Hey, honey.

L for love. Good times.

L for love? That doesn't mean love...

People have different translations for things.

That's a special bond that you have with

your mail-order wife. I think that's nice.

- How many teams are in this qualifier?

- Two.

If we beat this team,

we're in the Vegas Open?

- Yeah.

- That seems pretty simple.

- Who's the other team?

- I have it right here. Just a sec.

- Troop 417.

- Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts?

Not quite.

Bollocks.

Troop 417, ready.

Average Joe's, ready.

Set. Dodgeball.

I'm gonna send you to hell.

- I'm really sorry. Are you all right?

- Why would you hit a girl? Why?

I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Winner - Troop 417.

In your face.

You're adopted.

Your parents don't even love you.

And now, without further ado,

it gives me great pleasure to award...

I'm sorry.

We have a bit of a problem here.

Unfortunately for Troop 417,

during the ADAA-required

random drug screening,

one of your player's urine tested positive

for three separate types of anabolic steroids,

and a low-grade beaver tranquilliser.

I'm afraid, by rule,

your team must be disqualified.

Goddamn you, Bernice.

By the power vested in me,

I declare the winner of this year's

Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament

and Grammar Jamboree to be

Average Joe's Gym.

You lied.

All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can

admit the real reason why you showed up.

I was in the neighbourhood and

I thought you could use a cheering section.

Kate, if you wannajoin the team,

all you have to do is ask.

Thank you, Peter. I don't.

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