Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Page #4

It is obvious that you dig me.

- You're hooked on La Fleur.

- God.

I've been through this many times. I'm sorry.

You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid.

I'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have

brief moments where you're not completely...

What? I'm not completely what?

Pathetic.

Hey, White. I didn't think

that Nazi camp got out until eight.

- Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?

- Yes, I did.

Hello, Kate.

I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialise.

- You're not. I'm off the clock.

- Isn't it "convenient" for you, and the clock?

I dropped by to congratulate you

on your victory by disqualification

and introduce you to the team that

will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open.

My team.

Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to

Blade.

Laser.

Blazer.

I've believe you've met

my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.

- We met.

- And I almost forgot our last player.

Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski.

In her home country of Romanovia,

dodgeball is the national sport.

Her nuclear power plant's team won

the championship five years running,

which makes her the deadliest woman

on earth with a dodgeball.

Ball me, Blazer.

Show them, Fran.

That's just her change-up.

End of demo.

We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras

and we will, we will rock you.

I think that guy might really be dead.

Wait a minute. How can you be

entered in the Las Vegas Open?

You didn't win a regional qualifying match.

Oh, my God. We never even won

a regional qualifying match.

Yeah. Now I remember.

The dodgeball chancellor's

an extremely personal friend of mine.

I helped him shed some unwanted poundage

before beach season.

So close your rule book

on that one, Poindextor.

White, we didn't come here to "rumble".

We came here to celebrate as a team.

There's plenty of bar here

for you and the Globo-nauts.

Team?

What team?

Your best player thinks he's a pirate.

First of all, he is way more

of a pirate than you will ever be.

Secondly, we don't know who our best player

is yet. We've only had one game.

- It could be any one of us at this point.

- Go ahead, make yourjokes, Mr

Jokey... Joke-maker.

But let me hit you with

some knowledge. Quit now.

Save yourself the embarrassment of losing

with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.

Alliteration aside,

I'll take my chances in the tournament.

- Yeah, you will take your chances.

- I know. I just said that.

- I know you did.

- I'm not sure where you're going with this.

- I'm not sure where you're going with this.

- That's what I said.

- That's what I'm saying to you.

- All right.

Touch.

We're gonna split,

but we'll see you at the tournament.

And, La Fleur, best bring your bib

cos it's gonna get messy.

Are you all right? You OK?

Let's bounce. Cobras.

OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up

and head on home, all right?

Hey, you.

That was the worst damn display

of dodgeball I've seen in 40 years.

You want a dodgeball victory,

you've gotta grab it by its haunches

and hump it into submission.

That's the only way.

OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now.

I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.

The name's Patches O'Houlihan.

I'm your new coach.

Patches O'Houlihan?

The guy from the dodgeball film?

- Yeah. He said he wants to coach us.

- You said yes?

I figured the steady hand of a seasoned

dodgeball coach could only benefit us.

A'iight.

But he's not weird or anything, is he?

No. No, he's totally normal.

I love the smell of queef in the morning.

I mean normal for us.

Line up, ladies.

- What does he mean, line up?

- Now.

If you're gonna learn to be

true dodgeballers,

then you've got to learn

the five Ds of dodgeball:

dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.

If you master the five Ds,

no amount of balls on earth can hit you.

- Queer bait, go ahead.

- Me, or...

Yeah, shouldn't we learn by dodging balls

that are thrown at us, or...

That's what this sack of wrenches is for.

If you can dodge a wrench,

you can dodge a ball.

What?

Any other questions?

My God.

Yeah. Patches, are you sure

that this is completely necessary?

Necessary?

- Is it necessary for me to drink my urine?

- Probably not.

No. But I do it anyway

because it's sterile and I like the taste.

OK.

If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've

got to learn to do the dance in the dark.

Here, put that on.

All right, ladies, buckle up.

It's showtime.

Dodge, duck, dip. Dive.

Dodge.

Dive.

Dip. Dive. Dodge.

I've got three weeks to whip you

suck-ass failure junkies into shape.

Come on. I get better runs in my shorts.

Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out.

One of our guys comes back in.

That's the way you hurt 'em.

That's the way you win.

Let's go. A little hustle here.

That's really good, Peter.

Come on. Only 19 miles to go.

Attaboy.

Next man.

Good luck to you, Gordon.

Remember it's 90% mental.

Okey-dokey.

If you can dodge traffic,

you can dodge a ball.

You got it, Gord.

- I'm fine. I'm OK.

- OK, there.

- Man.

- Wake up, Smithy.

Hell, son. You're about as useful

as a cock-flavoured lollipop.

Quick feet, fast hands.

Catch it and throw.

Pick up the pace. What a bunch of females.

Jesus. Gimme that.

You couldn't hit water

if you fell out of a boat.

Where's your killer instinct?

You gotta get angry.

You gotta get mean.

That's the only way you can play.

I guess I'm not really an angry person.

Are you angry now?

- Breathe it out.

- Come on, let's get going here.

Little help?

What? Eight years of softball.

- Man, she gotta be a lesbian.

- She is not a lesbian.

All I know is that dyke can play.

Come on, come on.

- Please.

- We need you. You're really good.

Owen'll be team manager if you play.

- I will?

- Shut up.

Look, I find White Goodman creepy,

just like you do...

All the more reason for you to join us.

Come on, Kate.

Time to put your mouth where our balls are.

Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.

It'd be a conflict of interest.

Suit yourself.

All right, you heard Billie-Jean King.

No crying in the breast milk.

We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.

We punch the pizza dough down,

and it's time to sauce it up.

Boy, is my mouth watering.

You want to put a big dollop

of that tangy red on the dough,

then use the cheese to shove it to the edge.

Sir, I need you to take a look at...

No. What...

What...

What have I said about knocking?

- Always knock.

- Sorry, sir.

What is so important that you need to

interrupt me in my private reflection period?

These.

- They're getting better.

- Yes. I can see that, Me'Shell.

I'm through playing games. It's time

to end this square dance once and for all.

What about the girl? She can throw.

I'll simply have to woo Kate

a bit sooner than nature intended.

But rest assured, Me'Shell.

There's no resisting when

White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes.

- Who is it?

- It's White.

- Surprise.

- White.

What... What are you doing here?

How do you know where I live?

It's called the Freedom of Information Act.

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