Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Page #5

The hippies finally got something right.

Just kiddin'. Not really.

Hey. I got some great news. Sit down.

- What is it?

- You're fired.

- I'm what?

- You're fired.

I told the bank that you were stealing

and drinking on the job. They bought it.

They signed some other

pencil pusher to my account.

Why would you do that?

I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate.

- You fired me so I'd date you?

- Yuh-huh.

You are a crazy little man.

I know you've been hiding

some feelings for me.

Yeah. Nausea.

If you don't leave in two seconds,

you'll know how that feels.

You like the freaky stuff, huh?

That's cool.

I can be naughty, too.

Real, freakin' naughty.

- You a naughty freak?

- Need help leaving?

This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.

Not nearly as much as your hair does.

That's for sure.

But I believe she asked you to leave.

I get it. You caught the scent

of a lesser stag in your nostrils.

Pity. I'll let you have

your little moment, La Fleur,

cos after this tournament, your gym,

your life and your gal are gonna be mine.

All mine.

To be continued...

You don't get to touch me, ever.

OK, Romeo. Let me help you up.

Get off me.

Don't you touch me.

It is over between us, Kate.

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.

Nobody.

- At least that wasn't weird.

- Yeah.

- Do I smell cookies?

- Hey.

Dear Barbara.

I like unicorns.

I know you said no to joining the team,

but I'd like you to reconsider

as a personal favour to me.

- Peter...

- Before you answer,

you should know you'd have

your own changing room.

- Really?

- Sort of.

And there's also this.

- OK, what's this?

- I overdid.

Look at you. Two expired movie passes

and a coupon for one free back rub

from Peter La Fleur.

- Play your cards right, could be a full body.

- Will you just stop, please?

I don't want your perk package.

I don't want your back rub.

I just want to see White Goodman's face

when we win that tournament.

- You're in?

- I'm in.

Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand,

broken dreams and $5 lobster.

A city where you can get a happy ending,

if you pay a little extra.

A city home to a sporting event

greater than the World Cup,

World Series and World War II combined.

Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas

International Dodgeball Open

here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho" -

bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports

from around the globe since 1999.

If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's

Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open

brought to you exclusively

here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".

We're coming to you live from

the Las Vegas University Learning Annex.

My name is Cotton McKnight

and with me, as always,

is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks.

Yeah. Cotton, hey.

Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means

four wins is gonna get you in the final match,

the fifth win getting you

the 50K that everyone's chasing.

Cotton.

There's an electricity in the air,

a palpable hue of anticipation.

Immortality - five simple victories away.

They've come from all over - Kathmandu

to Timbuktu, and all points in-between -

to compete in the one

true human test - dodgeball.

A reminder.

All players must be vaccinated

for cholera, syphilis and shingles

before play begins.

Again, dyslexic players

will not be allowed on the court.

Team Blitzkrieg to the tournament floor

for a first-round match.

Only ADAA balls will be used.

Personal balls of any kind

are strictly prohibited.

- Hey.

- Hey. What's in the box?

Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team

needs real dodgeball uniforms.

So I threw out those old ratty ones

and designed these myself.

All right. Now we got our thing going on,

maybe we'll start smacking each other.

I hope everything fits.

- Wait.

- Nice.

This isn't right.

This isn't what I ordered.

- What's this?

- What the hell is that? This is screwed up.

- What are we supposed to do now?

- Don't worry.

- We'll play in what we've got on.

- We can't.

ADAA rules require we wear

matching uniforms.

I don't think they require ass-less chaps, OK?

Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty

of time to find other uniforms before we play.

Ladies, we gotta get on the court

or we're gonna forfeit the game.

Come on, let's go.

Let's see some movement. Chop-chop.

I don't see any movement. Let's go.

How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?

- That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot.

- Right you are.

Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.

The reigning European champ

hopes to extend their empire here.

Appeasement be damned.

Here comes

the relatively unknown challengers,

a regional qualifying team,

Average Joe's Gymnasium.

My sweet Jesus.

That's rad.

Hey, a**hole, you guys suck.

Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas.

Hi. We're all here and

we are ready to play.

- OK.

- OK.

We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's

squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms.

I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.

Average Joe's, ready.

Blitzkrieg, ready.

Dodgeball.

And we're under way. Average Joe's

versus the heavily favoured German team.

Of course, S&M gear first made

popular by the lyric poet, Sappho,

- from the island of Lesbos.

- Clean hit. You're out.

Leather and latex belong in the bedroom,

not on the dodgeball court.

Where's that training?

Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge.

Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated

and coach O'Houlihan is not happy.

This Average Joe's team

doesn't look up to snuff.

Midline infraction.

You went over the line, you're out.

The Average Joe's catches a break there.

The Germans still dominating

this Maginot Line-like defence.

Good toss by the submissive out there.

Just two players left for Joe...

Check that. Make it one.

Looks like Average Joe's

might be heading home early.

It's all up to the only player

without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch.

What a throw.

Hold your phone, she's got a cannon.

Yes.

- Come on, Kate.

- You're the only man out there. Give it to 'em.

Germans have a two-one advantage.

Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game.

How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo.

Now Joe's has the upper hand.

- Great deflection.

- Take it to him.

- He's ball-less now.

- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton.

Winner. Average Joe's.

My sweet dick, it's magic.

Hey, all right.

My. The Germans losing in the first round

and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset.

I feel shocked.

Losers.

You must be Daddy.

Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball

pundits and made it to tomorrow's round

where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff,

the men from the boys,

and the awkwardly feminine

from the possibly Canadian.

Don't go anywhere, folks.

It's just getting exciting.

- What the hell.

- That guy's a d*ckhead.

You wanted to see me, Patches?

You did good out there, real good.

You're a natural leader, La Fleur.

Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.

Kate's not a muff-diver.

Hey. That's for you.

- I can't accept this.

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