Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Page #6

- You're a hell of a player, Peter.

You earned it.

I've got some hookers in my room.

What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.

No, thanks, I'll just stick

with the scarf, but thank you.

Suit yourself, queer.

- Sorry.

- Justin?

Amber.

Jeez Louise, what are you doing here?

- The National Cheerleading Championships.

- Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome.

- We're in the finals tomorrow. And you?

- I'm in the dodgeball tournament.

These are my team-mates,

Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon.

This is Amber.

Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster.

- Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man.

- Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber.

- It was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow.

- And also you. You look healthy... good.

What?

Don't worry about that guy, Justin.

He's a total jerk.

He'll probably fall off the roller coaster

and break every bone.

- Nice, Dwight.

- I'm just saying, it happens.

My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead.

Thanks, man.

Let's huddle up here.

We've got some work to do.

We got lucky in the first round.

We caught those dirty Krauts napping,

but that won't happen again,

so blow out the horse hockey

and remember what I taught you.

Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low

and will someone catch a goddamned ball?

It's like watching a bunch of retards

trying to f*** a doorknob out there.

Get it together.

Let's play some dodgeball.

Hands in.

One, two, three, Joe's.

- Average Joe's ready?

- Yes.

Lumberjacks, ready?

Dodgeball.

Average Joe's has a tough job,

facing the Lumberjacks.

These woodsmen probably haven't

even smelt a woman in eight months.

They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

- Clean hit. You're out.

- In the deer gut.

- Average Joe's looking tough.

- Yes.

There's a souvenir for a lucky fan.

Timber. Peter La Fleur nails him.

That's all she wrote, folks.

Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of

their own and moves onto the quarterfinal.

Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb

on the Kamikazes.

I don't know how they can play

in diapers, Cotton. I never could.

Peekaboo.

White Goodman, employing

his patented peekaboo-style attack,

tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo.

Is he gonna feel it tomorrow?

Right in his beak.

A relentless Globo Gym attack led by

their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman.

It's gotta be the hair. It's beautiful.

Feathered and lethal.

You just don't see it nowadays.

Globo Gym says, "Domo arigato, Mr Roboto",

and breezes into the semifinals.

Skillz That Killz, ready?

Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball.

Average Joe's planning

to playa hate Skillz That Killz,

the inner-city champs for five years straight.

Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,

doing more dancing than dodgeballing.

They better check themselves

before they wreck themselves.

Right you are, partner.

Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires.

Winner. Average Joe's.

And Average Joe's, not blinded by the

bling-bling, advances to the semifinal.

Globo Gym's making mincemeat

of the Las Vegas Police Department.

That's gotta hurt.

B-b-b-bull's-eye.

Winner. Globo Gym.

Sportsmanship be darned.

Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187,

and they're going to the finals.

The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars

are all over Average Joe's today.

Itjust doesn't look good for 'em. The winner

of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals.

Right in the testicles.

Ouch-Town. Population: you, bro.

Average Joe's down to their final two players.

La Fleur can't hold on.

He's gotta sit down.

- Time out. Gordy.

- Time out. Time out.

Time. Time is out.

It looks like the clock is about to

strike midnight on this Cinderella story,

turning Average Joe's

into the proverbial pumpkin.

I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.

You won't hit 'em. They're too good,

and you suck somethin' awful.

- Yes, sir. I do.

- Our only shot is for you to get angry.

- Roger that. OK.

- All right. Hands in.

- One, two, three.

- Joe's.

You gotta get angry. Get angry now.

Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars.

It's all over but the crying.

Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye.

- Dodgeball.

- Let the dodgeball slaughter begin.

Good deflection there.

Hang on. And another one.

Three balls at once. Who knew?

Four on one.

Pibb won't go down without a fight.

That's it.

- You're kidding me.

- He's callin' 'em out.

Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it?

- Go, you crazy son of a b*tch. Go.

- He's on the warpath.

Incredible. It's one on one.

- I can't believe it.

- It's just not believable, Cotton.

Winner.

Average Joe's wins.

They are going to the finals

to play Globo Gym for $50,000.

- That'll buy one heck of a pumpkin.

- Right you are, Pep.

I never would have dreamed it possible.

But with seven-time ADAA All-Star

Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,

I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.

Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap

those Globo Gym bastards.

Yeah.

- You really think we can beat Globo Gym?

- As long as we got Patches, we got a shot.

My God.

Well, it's probably the way

he would have wanted to go.

- What?

- What are we gonna do without Patches?

We're gonna get our taints handed to us.

- What's a taint?

- I dunno. Sounds bad.

Maybe you should

go say something to the guys.

Yeah.

They don't make a "sorry your coach just got

crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.

I'll be right back.

What?

We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico

City. I've been boning up on my Spanish.

Me'Shell was having some digestive

problems. I hope you don't mind.

Will you shut that?

For all of us, baby.

So that's the deal. I give you $100,000,

you sign over the deed to your gym.

Period.

End o'story.

You really think you can come here and buy

me out, you're a lot dumber than I thought.

Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you

thought I'd think that I thought I was once.

Look, Peter, I know what it's like.

Really. For all our blustery back-and-forth,

we're really pretty much the same guy.

We're both leaders. And I like

what you've done with the gym over there.

I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK,

but that's OK" thing you got going.

"You can be fat as long as

you're happy inside." It works.

And they love you. Whoo, do they love you.

You're their Fonzie, Pete.

"Hey." Right?

But do you really think it's fair for them

to put all that pressure on you? All the time?

Looking to you to solve their every problem?

I mean, come on.

I know you. You know you.

And I know you know that I know you.

You're heading for a fall, Pete.

Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close.

And when it does, they're gonna blame you.

I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000,

except maybe in the movies.

But I assure you,

something gets lost in the translation.

Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game.

Take the money.

Invest it in something.

Give it to charity, I don't care.

Just sign the contract.

Come on, guys. We got Peter.

And they got guys named Laser and Blazer

and Taser, and all kinds of asers.

Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.

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