Dom Hemingway Page #5

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- F*** you.

- F*** you.

F*** you.

You think I ain't gonna

be able to do this?

Me, Dom Hemingway?

Think I can't do this?

There hasn't been a safe I

ain't been able to open, ever.

When I was four months old, I could

open a safe from my f***ing pram.

I'm just saying.

Don't say nothing.

I'm gonna do this, Dickie.

I'm gonna do this.

I got no other choice.

State of the art. Had it

installed four months ago.

- Made in Japan.

- I'm big in Japan.

You have 10 minutes. Do you

want me to start the timing now?

Or do you want to say a little

prayer for your friend Tiny first?

I just want another pint.

Is that OK?

Another drink before we start.

Have all the beer you want, Dom.

Right, let's get started.

Clock says 11:
35.

It means you have until 11:45.

Easy-peasy lemon squeezy.

What the f*** is that?

Equipment.

Bloody hell!

F*** you and f*** your cat.

I said, open my safe,

not destroy my office.

F*** your office, f*** you,

f*** your father and f*** your cat.

In nine minutes your balls

are becoming trinkets.

F*** your trinkets, f***

your cat, f*** your father,

f*** your office and f*** you!

Not sure what you can do

in the time you have left,

except maybe have a heart attack.

I got to do a piss.

- What?

- Piss. I got to.

I'm not stopping the clock.

'Course you aren't.

You're pond scum, Lestor.

Garbage, refuse.

Your father was a class

act compared to you.

You're sh*t on my shoe.

You're a c*nt in gold chains.

A misery in size 10 Adidas. Now,

where's your f***ing toilet?

- Who designed this place, anyway?

- I did, actually.

It's like a brothel

by way of Elton John.

Stick to thieving and nepotism.

What are you looking at?

Five minutes left, Dom.

Might be the last time

you piss standing up.

I assume the cables in

the back of the safe

are attached to some

security company.

Yes. They promised a

five-minute response.

I promised not to come

in your sister's mouth.

We all make promises we can't keep.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna

do anything to Lestor,

as tempting as that may be.

Four minutes,

or less if security comes.

The fastest fingers guy I ever saw took

10, 12 minutes with a safe like this,

and he had state-of-the-art

equipment with him.

- I ain't like most finger guys.

- No, you're not.

- You're old.

- I'm old-school.

Old, old-school, same thing.

I got magic fingers,

Lestor. I told you.

So?

So...

Whoa!

Yeah, yeah...

- What the hell are you doing, man?

- F*** you.

You trying to screw the safe, Dom,

or are you trying to impregnate it?

Do you want me to get

you guys a room?

Seriously, what the hell

are you doing, man?

I'm winning the bet.

Japs sold you a cheap safe

and he's gonna win because of it.

It wasn't f***ing cheap.

Then you got ripped off, Lestor.

F***ing ripped off.

Ha, ha, ha!

So what's he trying to do, Dickie?

Most safes, the cheap ones

at least, like yours,

if you bounce them enough, there's

a moment when the pins are shaken

and not lined up, even

the electronic ones.

If you're pulling the handle

at that moment, it opens.

Well, nothing's happening here

except Dom getting a f***ing hernia.

And you've only got two...

No, one minute and 55 seconds left.

God save

The Queen

Pints are on me!

And that, my friends,

is how you open a safe.

You did it, Dom. You right did it.

I knew I would. I told you I would.

I knew I'd beat this

arsehole at his own game

and prove to him what the

world already knows,

that Dom Hemingway is the greatest

safe cracker known to mankind.

That I am a legend, a myth.

A glorious tale to be handed down

from generation to generation.

I am impressed, Dom, I must say.

F***ing right, Lestor, Chestor,

Chestor the molester, Uncle Fester.

And only 52 seconds left.

Exactly, Fester the

f***ing court jester.

I won the bet. You owe me work.

Big-paying work.

Actually, you didn't win the bet.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying, in 30 seconds

I'm cutting Little Dom off.

I opened your safe.

You opened a safe.

But my safe, my safe is this.

You have eight seconds

to open it, seven...

- That ain't fair.

- F*** fair, it's the bet.

Five, four, three,

two, one.

Poor Dom Hemingway.

Poor, poor Dom Hemingway.

All that time in prison, only to

come out and be humiliated

by the son of the man

he always hated.

You're not really gonna do

what you're saying, Lestor?

If I were you,

I'd keep quiet, Dickie.

You know I'll kill you too

and no one will give a sh*t.

- Now, take off your trousers.

- Come on.

- Lestor.

- I'm serious.

Aw, f***!

A deal's a deal, a bet's a bet

and a dick doorstop

is a dick doorstop.

Lestor, come on.

I hate you, Dom. I always

have. You killed Bernard.

You can't out off my dick

because of a f***ing cat.

- Yes, I can.

- No, you can't.

OK, no, I can't, you're right,

but I can cut it off

cos you said you could open my

safe in 10 minutes and you didn't.

- You rigged the bet.

- Semantics.

- I played by the rules. - People are

dirty, Dom. You should know that.

But I played by the rules.

That's your problem.

You're a f***ing criminal.

Criminals don't have rules.

There's a code of ethics. There is!

And where did that code get you?

12 years alone, a dead wife

and a daughter who hates you.

You don't know!

Everyone knows.

You played by the rules in jail and

you got screwed when you got out.

You played by the rules here

and you got screwed here.

You're a dumb criminal,

Dom. A dumb man.

Now take off your trousers.

Lestor.

Now.

Now!

Safe security.

- I'll meet you at the place near the place.

- Right.

You can't f***ing catch me.

Oh, fu... Oh, f***...

Oh, f***...

Hey, you lot need a back-up

singer, I am available.

What do you want, then?

What? Nothing. I just

wanna say hello.

You look like sh*t, but at least you're

standing up. That's an improvement.

Yeah, I got that going.

Tell me something, Dom. You know

how old I was when you went away?

Can your fogged-up, whisky-soaked

brain go back that far?

Yeah, 'course.

I remember being in my room

and hearing mum yelling at you when

you left. Do you remember that?

She was just pleading, begging

with you to strike a deal.

If you'd have testified, you'd

have got two, maybe three years.

You'd have been out

before I was 13,

before mum got sick,

before mum died.

I wanna make up for lost time.

That's why I'm here.

I don't.

Come on, now. I made a mistake.

I'm a f***er and I'm a failure.

Oh, Dom, I'm leaving.

I have to go. I...

I don't want you coming

round here any more.

I don't want you coming round

my house or my son, OK?

I don't want to see you.

You have done very little

for me in my life, Dom.

Please, just do that.

It's Dad. It's Dad. It's not Dom.

Evie.

What, Dom?

I'm gonna go and see your

mum's grave tomorrow morning.

I wondered if you wanted

to come. I ain't seen it yet.

What, the grave Sandy

Butterfield paid for,

the guy you beat the sh*t out of?

Yeah, that one.

I thought it would be

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