Don Jon

Yo, not gonna lie.

This sound...

...gets me hard as a f***ing rock.

But I don't like to go too fast

right off the bat.

I'd rather work my way into it,

nice and easy.

So I'll start off with some stills.

Then, once I'm getting into it,

I start looking for a video.

I never actually touch my cock

till I find the right clip.

Then, once I do...

...goodbye.

For the next few minutes,

all the bullshit fades away,

and the only thing in the world

is those tits...

...that ass...

...the blowj*b, the cowboy,

the doggy, the moneyshot, and that's it.

I don't gotta say anything,

I don't gotta do anything.

I just f***ing lose myself.

There's only a few things

I really care about in life.

My body...

...my pad...

...my ride...

...my family...

Amen.

...my church...

...my boys...

...my girls...

...and my porn.

I know that last one sounds weird,

but I'm just being honest.

Nothing else does it for me the same way.

Not even real p*ssy.

And, yo, I get plenty of that.

Why you think my boys call me The Don?

- Jonny-Boy!

- Don Jon, what's good, baby?

- What up?

- You good?

- I'm all right.

- Jonny, look at me.

- Everything good with you?

- What's the matter with this guy?

- Come here, you animal!

- Get the f*** off of me!

Real talk, real talk. Purple.

- That's not bad.

- It's better than "not bad."

- You ain't see her turn around.

- You calling her a seven?

- An eight. At least an eight.

- That is not an eight.

She's cute in the face, you can maybe

call the face an eight, tits are a four.

Yeah, but the butt, man, it's exceptional.

I'm telling you. It changes everything.

- Sh*t!

- What?

- Sequins. Don't look. Don't look.

- What? Who is that?

- You don't remember her?

- She's coming over here.

'Cause you're staring right at her.

- Look who the f*** it is.

- How you doing?

- Why didn't you call me back?

- Come on. You're a grown woman.

Did you think I was gonna call you back?

You're pathetic, you know that?

Every week you got a new b*tch.

Then why'd you come home with me?

F*** you!

- Eight.

- No, that might be a nine.

- You shitting me? That's a seven.

- You're out of your f***ing mind!

I gave you the eight,

your record's intact. Chill out.

You heard what she said?

Everyone knows about the streak.

- You're sick. You know that?

- I don't know what's wrong with me.

- Oh, my... damn!

- What? What? Where?

- Red.

- Holy sh*t! That's a dime.

- That is a dime.

- Nah, she's hot, but it's not a dime.

I don't even mess with blondes like that,

but that there is a dime!

- F*** yeah.

- I don't know, there might be

- some lasagna up in there.

- I don't think so.

Definitely not.

She keep her sh*t tight, you can tell.

- No. I don't know.

- See, he likes that skinny sh*t.

He likes that skinny, high-fashion,

looks-like-a-boy sh*t.

- F*** you!

- Admit it!

- He's kind of right, man, you do.

- I don't like more than a handful of titty.

No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I

love it, but more than that, it's like no!

Sh*t starts to remind me

of my mom or something.

- Jesus Christ.

- Your mom do got some big-ass titties.

- Don't talk about my mother.

- You brought up your mother.

If you don't like that,

there's something wrong with you.

I didn't say I didn't like it.

I said it's not a dime.

- That's incorrect.

- She's taller than you anyway.

- F*** you, Jonny.

- I'm playing, come on.

You gonna get that?

Let me get a vodka-cranberry.

- Jonny!

- Sammy-boy, how you doing?

- You good?

- Let me get a Grey Goose and soda.

- What makes you think you could do that?

- Do what?

- Get the f*** out of here.

- You wanna go somewhere?

- F*** you.

- You wanna f*** me?

- Is that why you kissed me?

- I didn't kiss you.

Yeah, you did.

Stop it, I mean it. Stop it.

Come on. Let me buy you a drink.

It's early.

- Where you going?

- I told you where I was going.

Come on! Wait a minute!

Sh*t!

Yo. Headband.

Nah, I don't know.

See? This is what I'm saying.

Real p*ssy's all good. But I'm sorry.

It's not as good as porn.

Tits?

Great.

Ass?

Great.

Blowj*b?

Sure, it's f***ing fantastic

in person... if she'll do it.

But in real life, if you wanna get head,

you gotta give head.

Lower. Not that low!

I know, some geys love

eating p*ssy,

But the thing about those guys is,

they're f***ing crazy.

Don't get me wrong,

I like a good p*ssy-eating clip.

But, from down here,

there's nothing good about this.

And if she does finally decide

to do you the big favor...

...she's in a f***ing hurry.

Now, when it comes to the

actual f***ing...

First of all, condoms are terrible.

They just are.

But you gotta wear one, 'cause,

unlike porn, real p*ssy can kill you.

Second of all, missionary is the

worst position in all of f***ing.

The tits lie flat,

you can't see her ass,

you can't touch her ass,

'cause she's lying on her back.

They won't let you do it from behind,

'cause they wanna look at you.

And basically it's on

me to do all the work.

Moneyshot? No.

There is no real-life moneyshot.

Real girls won't do that sh*t. You

just gotta cum into the f***ing condom.

So, you tell me, which looks better?

This?

Or this?

Jesus! What are you f***ing retarded?!

You're f***ing retarded!

You're a retarded person

and you're driving a f***ing car!

In the name of the Father,

the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

- Amen. Bless you, my son.

- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week

since my last confession.

- Tell me your sins.

- Since last Sunday, I had sexual relations

out of wedlock two times. I also watched

pornographic videos and

masturbated 17 times.

For these and all the sins of my life,

I am sorry.

- Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys.

- Thank you, Father.

Through the ministry of

the Church,

may God give you pardon and peace,

and I absolve you from your sins in the

name of the Father,

the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Bullshit! Bullshit! Did you see that?

That was f***ing bullshit. Bad call.

- Jesus f***ing Christ!

- Jon!

- F***ing bullshit. Did you see that?

- Nah, I didn't see it. What happened?

They'll do a replay.

They better do a f***ing replay.

Unless they just don't want us

to see how bad that f***ing call was.

Why don't you get the thing

where you can pause...

- A**holes, where's the replay?!

- Dad, there's a thing you can pause

- and rewind.

- What are you talking about?

It's digital.

You just rewind and watch it.

- I'm not taping this.

- No, I know you're not taping it.

Are you people serious, no f***ing

replay?!

I'm not talking about a VCR.

How do I know what the f***

you're talking about?

I don't know, I guess 'cause most

American people have heard of TiVo.

Most people that pay attention

to the world around them!

Here it is.

Shut up already, finally. Sh*t!

- You seriously never heard of that?

- Yes! I've heard of it, Jesus f***ing...

There! Look, his foot's on the line!

Look at that bullshit!

- Jon! All right already!

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