Don Jon Page #2

- So if you've heard of it,

- what is it?

- Did you see that?

- I'm asking you a question.

- It's a f***ing thing...

Wait a minute. Did you see that?

I'm asking you.

- Did you?

- Nah, I didn't see it.

Why not?! What the f***'s

the matter with you?

I said look at this play,

I said it right to you!

I ask you to do the easiest f***ing thing,

and you can't do it!

- At least I know what a f***ing TiVo is.

- I know what a f***ing TiVo is!

You want a TiVo?

Is that what you're saying?

- I would love a f***ing TiVo.

- Who do you love?

He loves TiVo. He sure as sh*t

don't love football. We know that.

One of these days, I'm gonna sit down here

and start eating, and you're gonna say,

- "Mom, I found her."

- Ma!

One of these days.

Holy Mary... Mother

of God...

...pray for us now...

...and at the hour of death...

Amen.

Hail Mary... full of grace...

All right, I'll admit,

there are some down sides.

Like there's the times you

find a great clip, with a hot chick.

And right when you're starting to cum,

it shows the guy.

F***! Goddamn it!

It's no one's fault, really,

but it still sucks. So...

Also, nowadays you got so much

to choose from, finding just the right clip

can take a lot of time.

And my time is precious to me.

Yeah, I got sh*t to do. So...

And, every once in a while,

you find a clip that's so good,

it's f***ing depressing.

And you're thinking to yourself,

why can't real p*ssy be like this?

You know, I smash new girls

all the f***ing time,

always an eight or better, and it's still

never this good. What am I doing wrong?

Maybe it's time to try

something new. So...

Yo, you remember that dime from last

week?

Oh, sh*t.

The blonde in the dress?

She was insane, bro. You hit that?

No, I didn't, you f***ing alcoholic,

I saw you after she left.

- F*** you, Jonny!

- I thought you made that happen.

- I threw it to this other random.

- Typical.

- Probably an eight or nine.

- Six or seven.

Shut the f*** up!

Who'd you take home, huh?

Twos and threes, baby. I'm telling you,

twos and threes are some

open-minded ladies.

- I wanna find that girl.

- You get her name?

- Her name?

- First and last name.

I'm looking for her name,

first and last name.

Sh*t, I don't know. You know who would?

- Barbara Sugarman.

- Sugarman?

Thanks, bro.

- OK, what was it again?

- Barbara Sugarman.

- You see her anywhere?

- No.

- Oh, sh*t!

- That's her?

- That's definitely her.

- Oh! Got you, b*tch!

What you wanna say?

You gotta say something.

- Really?

- A girl that bad gets mad friend requests.

- F***!

- I think it's dinner. Maybe even lunch.

Might have to take this girl

out for coffee.

- Christ!

- Yeah, this is the long game.

You're not getting that butt from Barbara

Sugarman anytime in the immediate future.

If you had it like that,

it would have went down.

You're right. You're totally right. Sh*t!

I know, I was about to say, the

mighty Don bringing out the long game?

- She's a dime, but...

- This girl's more than a dime.

Come on, son. There's no such thing,

that's the point,

it's a scale from one to ten.

- I'm saying, this girl...

- Oh, my God!

- You in love with this girl already?

- Go f*** yourself.

- Hi.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, two for lunch.

- Sure. Right this way.

Hey.

- How are you?

- Good. Good. How you been?

- How did you get my Facebook?

- Oh. Getting right to it.

- Yeah.

- I just looked up your name.

- I didn't tell you my name.

- Obviously you did, 'cause I looked it up.

- No, I definitely did not tell you my name.

- Yeah, you did.

- I think I would remember.

- No offense, but you were pretty wasted

- the other night. So was I.

- Can I get you some drinks?

- Diet Coke, please.

- A Coke.

Coke and a Diet Coke.

I'll be right back to take your order.

I had a few drinks the other night,

so I may not have remembered

telling you my first name,

but I definitely did not

tell you my last name.

- I'm telling you... Hey!

- Don't lie to me.

Look, you don't know me, so I'm gonna

let you off the hook this time.

But trust me, in the future you'll be much

happier if you always tell me the truth.

Wait, wait, wait, I'll be happier?

You don't think I could make you happy

if I wanted to?

So how did you find out my name?

- I asked around.

- You asked around about me?

- Yeah.

- That's interesting.

- Why?

- Why? What do you mean why?

- Why did you ask around about me?

- 'Cause I wanted to.

- You wanted to take me to lunch?

- Yeah.

- Don't lie.

- OK, I asked around about you

'cause I wanna f*** your brains out.

Is that what you want me to say?

- Well, at least you're being honest now.

- Let me ask you a question.

Why did you come here, huh?

Why did you say yes to me?

- That's a very good question.

- Yeah, so?

You're gonna have

to wait to find out.

- All right. I got time.

- Really? You got time?

It seemed like you were

in a big hurry the other day.

I can be that way when I'm sh*t-faced.

You're cute, I like you.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Listen, you wanna know the truth?

This is the truth.

You're the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen in my life.

You like movies?

I don't watch too many movies.

I used to watch 'em a lot when I was a

little kid,

before I

could get my hands on any porn.

Back then, if I wanted to see a really hot

girl, my best bet was to watch a movie.

- That's the one you like?

- Oh, it's so great.

- I love these two. And you?

- Yeah. They're great.

But now, I don't really see the point.

I don't know, I guess I'm

missing something.

Because most people eat that sh*t up.

The pretty woman.

The pretty man.

Love at first sight.

The first kiss.

- The breakup.

- I felt that!

- The makeup.

- I'm scared.

The expensive wedding,

and they drive off into the sunset.

Everyone knows it's fake, but they

watch it like it's real f***ing life.

She was the most important thing to him.

He gave up everything for her.

It was just meant to be.

- I love movies like that.

- Yeah, it was great.

He's just such a real man.

And she's so beautiful too, always.

- Her? No, she's too skinny.

- Yeah.

- What?

- You wanna know who's beautiful?

- What makes you think you could do that?

- Do what?

In the name of the Father, the Son

and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

- Amen. Bless you, my son.

- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week

since my last confession.

- Tell me your sins.

- Since last Sunday I did not have

sexual relations out of wedlock.

I did kiss a girl, this one girl,

out of wedlock, several times,

But it's just kissing. I don't know,

I forget if that counts, so...

Also, I watched pornographic videos

and masturbated 22 times.

For these and all the sins of my life,

I am sorry.

- Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys.

- Thank you, Father.

Through the ministry of

the Church,

may God give you pardon

and peace,

and I absolve you from your sins

in the name of the Father, of the Son

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