Don Jon Page #3

- and the Holy Spirit.

- Amen.

Introducing the

charbroiled, not fried, codfish

sandwich,

only at Carl's Jr. and Hardee's.

More than just a piece of meat.

Oh, go! Jesus.

It's a yellow light! F*** you!

Our Father...

Who art in heaven...

...hallowed be Thy name...

Thy Kingdom come...

...Thy will be done...

...on earth...

as it is in heaven...

- No.

- No... What?

- Not out here.

- So let's go inside.

Mm-mm.

- Why not?

- It's not time for that yet.

- You sure?

- Yeah. We barely know each other.

Yeah, we do, pretty much.

- I don't know your friends.

- My friends?

Mmm...

- I wanna meet your friends.

- Those guys are a**holes.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

And you don't know my friends.

- Or our families.

- Wait, our families?

Yeah. I wanna meet your parents

and your sister.

Oh, Jesus!

What? You don't wanna meet

my brothers

- and my sister?

- Uh...

- 'Cause I know they wanna meet you.

- Yeah... I bet they do.

Mmm...

Mm-hm.

- Jon.

- Yeah?

- I can't let you come inside just yet.

- No?

No, 'cause I don't know what that would

mean. You know?

I don't want to do anything

unless it means something.

Uh-huh...

Mm... Don't you think it's always better

when it means something?

- Yeah.

- Mm...

I think you should go back to

school, baby.

What?

- Yeah, come on. Just a night class.

- Oh, my God!

- Just get your degree.

- Oh!

- You would be so sexy with a real job.

- Mm!

Mm-hm! Yeah...

So, what do you say? You, me

and our friends, we go out sometime?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah? And our families meet, huh?

- Oh!

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Mm...

And you take one night class for me,

baby? One little class?

- Oh! Oh!

- Huh? Yeah? Yeah?

- Yeah! Oh!

- Come on, baby, cum... cum...

Mm-hm! Uh-huh.

- Nice.

- Oh, Jesus...

Yeah.

You're so cute.

Call me.

- Baby!

- Baby, what?

- Baby.

- Baby...

- You guys having a good time?

- You b*tch, I don't wanna hear it.

- Jesus Christ.

- A toast. Let's make a toast.

Everyone listen up. You get up too.

This is for you. Come on. Get up.

- Oh, God.

- All right.

You guys know tonight is me and this

girl's one-month anniversary.

I'm counting that from the first time

I ever saw her, 'cause ever since then,

I've felt the same way. She's the most

beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

- To you, baby.

- No, to us.

To us.

- Mwah. Cheers.

- Cheers!

God bless.

- So, what's he do?

- He's in school.

- Oh, the family's got money?

- No, he's got a job.

- Retail?

- No.

- Service?

- Yeah.

He's definitely been

spending time at the gym.

- Right? I know. He is so disciplined.

- You guys work out together?

- Mm-mm. No.

- Does he do that muscle guy thing

where he's, like, looking at himself

while you're doing it?

- Oh. We haven't done it yet.

- Sh*t, really?

- Oh, my God. That's so amazing!

- All right. I like him.

Goddamn! White shorts.

- Nah.

- What? Come on, that's a dime!

- That's not a dime.

- I'm sorry, but I'd rather do that

- than do yours.

- You f*ggot motherf***er!

- I can like any girl I wanna like.

- But she's not hotter than my girl.

- To you, maybe not, but to me...

- Look at that. Sorry, buddy.

- F*** you, Jonny!

- That's the way...

Hi.

Sh*t!

So, uh...

I'm sort of seeing this girl.

- What did you say?

- What do you mean, what did I say?

- Did you say...?

- She asked you what you said.

What's the matter with that?

I couldn't understand you, either.

Speak up and talk like a human being.

- Shush.

- What's your problem?

- Jon. Did you say you found her?

- What?

- Well, I said I'm sort of...

- Oh, my God! What's her name?

- Barbara.

- Barbara! Barbara what?

- Here we go...

- Shh! Barbara what?

- Barbara Sugarman.

- Sugarman?

- She a Jew?

- I don't think so.

- You don't know?

- We haven't really talked...

She's not Italian, we know that.

- Sugarman. She black?

- No.

What does she look like?

She's the most beautiful thing

I've seen in my life.

- Oh, boy.

- Baby! Oh!

That's the sweetest thing

I ever heard anybody say.

- And does she love you?

- Wait a minute. Love him? You kidding?

- Jon, shush!

- They're kids, for Christ's sake!

- So what?

- You know what? Don't call me a kid.

We talked about this,

I don't appreciate it.

- Excuse me.

- Dad, I'm asking you nicely.

To not call you a kid?

You're a f***ing kid.

- Jon!

- F*** you!

F*** me? Did you just say f*** me to

me?

Jon!

He said they're in love, they're in love.

It doesn't matter how old they are.

He's older than you were when we

got married.

You know that? For God's sake, he's

your son!

You love this girl?

Yes, I do.

Then when do we get to meet her?

Oh!

All right, Mom, OK.

Oh!

Bella? Sweetheart, come

over here.

Come on, let me fix your lipstick.

Here we go.

- You look so beautiful.

- Thank you.

- Can I get you a refill, Mrs. Sugarman?

- You don't have to do that.

- No, it's my pleasure.

- Jon.

- Thank you.

- Jon, you meet Daryl?

- Oh, wow.

- You wanna hold him?

- I don't know...

- Come here.

- Here you go, babe.

- OK.

- All right. Is that good? Is that right?

- Yeah.

You look so cute, the two of you.

Barbara!

- How long have we been up here for?

- Not long.

Well, I gotta go, we gotta go.

Come on, let's go. Come on. Come on.

Close the door.

OK. Let's take a break and when we

get back

we'll go over the

course syllabus.

- Hey.

- Baby! How is it?

- It's great.

- Yeah? You're on break?

- Yeah. How did you know?

- Your schedule's online.

- Baby, I'm just so proud of you.

- Thanks.

- Baby?

- Yeah?

Can I come over when you're done?

- You wanna come to my place?

- Mm-hm.

- What, tonight?

- Yeah.

OK, great.

- You get back to class, sexy man.

- All right.

- Bye, baby.

- OK, bye.

Jesus f***ing Christ!

- Excuse me. Sorry.

- Oh, f***, I'm sorry.

It's fine. It's fine.

- Hi, baby.

- Hey.

- It's OK. I'll be right back.

- Baby...

I'm in love with Barbara. I am.

And tonight, I finally got to f*** her.

But I'm sorry to say,

it's still not as good as porn.

Tits?

Best ever.

Ass?

Best ever.

Blowj*b?

Sh*t. Good luck. A girl that hot?

She doesn't have to give head.

For her, she just wants to go from

kissing, to naked kissing, to f***ing.

Or, you know, making love.

And when I say "making love," I mean...

...missionary f***ing.

No doggie. No cowboy.

- What the f*** are you doing?

- Baby!

- What the f*** are you doing?

- I was reading e-mails.

- You weren't. You were watching porno!

- That's not what that was.

- I saw you!

- But, baby...

Don't call me that. Oh, my God!

That's the most disgusting thing

- I've ever seen in my life!

- Wait, don't go right now, please!

I don't even know what that is.

That's sick...

- But, baby, I'm telling you...

- Don't call me that!

But I'm telling you, that thing

I was watching was just a joke!

Some dumb-ass buddy of mine sent it

to me as a joke. Come on!

You think I'm the kind of guy

that watches porn?

No, you didn't seem like that type.

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