Don Jon Page #4

Right. 'Cause f***ing losers watch porn,

guys that can't get laid.

Well, no. My friends' boyfriends are

watching porno on the Internet all the time,

- it's f***ing disgusting.

- It's stupid is what that is.

Why would they watch porn

when they can get with a real girl?

- So you don't do that normally?

- No.

When was the last time you did that

before this?

I don't even know.

When I was a kid or something.

You're never gonna do it again?

No. Why would I?

- Promise?

- I promise.

Baby...

I love you.

Come here.

It's not that I can't stop.

I just figure, why should I?

I mean, my girlfriend doesn't like it.

So she doesn't have to know about it.

It's not like I'm cheating on her.

I don't do it when she's around.

And everything's fine.

She has been spending a lot of time

at my place, though. So I looked into it.

And it's pretty amazing how easy it is

to get porn on-the-go these days.

So...

Excuse me? Sorry, were you on your

phone?

No.

- I'm Esther.

- Good to meet you.

- What's your name?

- Jon.

- I hope I'm not bothering you.

- No, it's fine.

I just wanted to apologize.

I don't know if you remember,

you caught me in a kind

of an inopportune moment last week.

- When I was sobbing by the door?

- Oh! Yeah, sorry, I'm sorry about that.

Please, don't. Please, don't you apologize.

You didn't do anything wrong.

- I felt like I should say something.

- OK. Well...

Because I've been thinking about it,

a lot actually, and I realized that,

you know, nobody's seen me

like that in, like, six months,

- and it's not like it's a rare...

- Good evening, everyone.

...a rare occurrence,

I mean, I do that all the time,

I'm crying all the time. It's just

something that I do in private now.

On the one hand,

you go there when you go there.

On the other hand, it's really f***ed up

to keep it hidden, right?

That's what became clear to me

when you startled me.

You didn't, you didn't mean

to startle me, you walked by,

but I just...

so I wanted to say thank you.

Were you... I'm sorry, this might be rude,

but were you watching

people f***ing on your phone?

- What? No!

- It's OK if you were. I'm not judging you.

- Lady, I'm just here to take this class.

- Did you just call me "lady"?

So you take care.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Say no more.

- I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine.

What, are you f***ing kidding me?!

You're f***ing kidding me, right?!

- Baby!

- What?

I feel like I should leave my jacket

in the car. Maybe not. Should I bring it?

- Yeah, whatever you want.

- Oh...

- I'm nervous. That's all.

- Why you nervous?

- I don't know...

- You got nothing to be nervous about.

You look beautiful.

God, you look beautiful.

Oh.

- Are you ready? Go ahead.

- Yeah. All right.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi.

Oh, hello, hello! You must be Barbara.

- Hi, Mrs. Martello. Here, for you.

- Thank you, and please call me Angie.

Come in, come in. Jon! Jonny's here!

Come say hello to your son!

- Please.

- Let me get by you there, babe.

Dad? I would like you to meet Barbara.

Baby, this is my dad.

- Hi, Mr. Martello.

- Hey, good to meet you.

- Jesus Christ!

- Jon!

Oh, I... I wasn't expecting such

a lovely lady, that's all.

Thank you. It's so nice

to finally meet you both.

My pleasure, my pleasure.

Well, please sit down

and I will be right back.

- Can I help you with anything at all?

- Oh! I love her already.

- Yes, please, sweetie, come on.

- You want me to take that, babe?

- Hey, hey, Jonny-boy!

- She's cute, right?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

You didn't tell me you were bringing home

- a piece of ass like that!

- I told you she was the most beautiful thing

- I've ever seen in my life.

- Yeah, you told me, but I mean,

Jesus Christ, those tits! They're real?

- Yeah, they're real.

- Oh! F*** me!

- Did you clear the table?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here, honey.

Let me move this here,

so you can put that right there.

- Right here?

- Right there. That's perfect.

So tell me. Tell me, how did

it go?

I was out with some girlfriends.

We went to see some band.

Back then you used to see bands

when you went out.

- Honey, what band was it?

- You think I remember?

It was 28 years ago,

and I didn't even give a sh*t then.

Anyway, I saw him early in the night,

I don't know if he saw me till later,

but I saw him.

And I saw her, you couldn't miss her.

- She was like you.

- Thank you.

- You know what I said?

- Listen to this.

I said right then,

right when I saw her, I said...

..."That's mine."

- Oh, God.

- Yup. And he was right.

Can you... Well, that's beautiful.

- Oh! Big play! Look at that!

- OK, Jon.

- All right, Dad.

- All right, yeah.

- Good job, big guy.

- Sweetie, so nice to meet you.

- Bye, Mr. Martello.

- Please call me Jon.

OK, Mom.

- All right, babe?

- Oh! Bye.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

- Drive safe.

- I love her! I love her!

- Pretty good, huh? Not bad at all.

In the name of the Father, the Son

and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

- Amen. Bless you, my son.

- Forgive me, Father, forl have sinned.

It has been one week

since my last confession.

Tell me your sins.

Since last Sunday, I had sexual

intercourse out of wedlock seven times.

But... I stopped watching porn.

Yeah, no more of that,

just the intercourse now.

So...

For these and all the sins of my life,

I am sorry.

- Five Lord's Prayers and five Hail Marys.

- Thank you, Father.

Through the ministry of

the Church,

may God give you pardon and peace,

and I absolve you from your sins

in the name of the Father, of the Son

- and the Holy Spirit.

- Amen.

Very good. OK, when we

come back,

we'll go over employee personality testing.

Go ahead, take a break.

- Hi. Mind if I sit down?

- You know, actually, I...

- I brought you something.

- You what?

- What's that?

- Open it.

- I don't want to take that from you.

- No, no, open it.

It's something silly.

It's a little thing. Go ahead.

All right. I'll open it.

- What the f*** is this?

- It's actually pretty good.

- What is the matter with you?

- Have you seen it?

- Are you crazy?

- It was made by this Danish woman

in the '70s. It's probably not what you're

used to looking at, but it's pretty hot.

OK. Look, I have a girlfriend, all right?

So...

I'm sorry, did you think I was

hitting on you? Because I'm not.

Will you just take this?

I didn't mean for it to be a big thing.

I thought you could use something better

than that sh*t you're

watching on your phone.

Am I right?

If you have a girlfriend,

why are you watching dirty movies?

- What?

- I'm just asking.

- You're f***ing weird, you know that?

- I don't entirely disagree,

but you're the one who's gonna

pretend you're texting

while you watch people pretend

they're f***ing on your phone!

The sh*t I watch on here,

they're not pretending.

Of course they are.

Forgive us

our trespasses...

...as we forgive those...

who trespass against us...

...and lead us not... into temptation...

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