Don Jon Page #5

...but deliver us from evil...

- Baby?

- Huh?

What are you doing?

You talking to yourself?

- Yo, Jonny, you coming out tonight?

- That's dubious.

I'm gonna wait for Barbara to call.

We're gonna meet up for dinner.

- This f***ing guy. Come on!

- What did you think he was gonna say?

I thought he still had a pair

of balls hanging between his legs.

You sound so f***ing stupid to me right

now, I feel sorry for you.

- F*** you.

- I do. I feel sorry for you.

You never been in love, so you don't

know what you're talking about.

Hold up. Wait a minute. In love?

When you really love a girl,

there's a lot that goes into it.

- You're saying you love her?

- Of course I love her.

- I never heard you say you loved her.

- You weren't paying attention.

I've been in love with this girl

since the first time I saw her.

Why would I wanna go out

and try to pull randoms?

None of 'em are gonna

look as good as my girl,

none of 'em are gonna f*** me

as good as my girl.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

- So she's good?

- What did I say? Yeah, she's good.

- She's the best.

- So you titty-f*** her?

Bro, she lets me do whatever the f***

I want.

This is what I'm trying to tell you,

if you would listen to me.

I'm telling you guys something.

You be a man, you do the right thing,

you find the right girl

and you treat her the right way?

Watch what happens. Best sex of

your life.

Hey, baby.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- I love it when you wear this sh*t.

- Oh, you're crazy.

- You good?

- Yeah. You order anything yet?

- No, I waited for you.

- Sweet.

- Oh, f***!

- Who's that?

It's Linda.

She's been fighting with Chris.

I don't think they're gonna work out.

- You remember Linda and Chris, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I thought they were cute together, no?

- Sure. They seemed pretty good.

She's 28 years old. She put like four

years into the guy already. It's terrible.

- How did you get off work tonight?

- I got Stevie to cover my shift.

- Stevie?

- Yeah, he needed the hours.

- I don't think I know Stevie, no?

- No, I don't think you ever met him.

- Oh! I wish somebody would cover for me.

- See? What did I tell you?

The service industry,

it's not a bad thing.

Come on, you're gonna look so good

in a suit.

- I don't know.

- What? Please.

If Armando can do it,

that man is such an a**hole.

He treats women like they're trash,

but... he makes six figures.

Well, he's got a pretty great life, no?

If he could do it, you could do it.

Hey, baby. You're a winner, right?

You respect people.

You listen to people.

- You think so?

- I know so, mister.

F***ing 'caused it! F***!

Hi, babe.

I don't know which ones to get.

Baby, what do you think?

That depends.

You gonna drill into your wall?

I don't know.

- You don't have a drill, do you?

- No.

Nah, I didn't think so.

My dad has got a pretty good one.

If you want me,

I can borrow his, I'll do it for you.

- You gonna drill into my wall for me?

- Whatever you want, babe.

You decide what color.

I'm gonna meet you at the registers.

I wanna pick up a few things

in cleaning products.

Where are you going?

- What?

- Where are you going?

I'm almost out of Swiffer pads.

I'm gonna pick a few up.

- What pads?

- For the Swiffer.

- I don't know what that is.

- You don't know the Swiffer?

- What is that? No.

- Seriously? It's the best.

You gotta try it.

What do you do for your floors?

You got those nice floors at your place.

What, do you mop?

- No.

- What do you do?

- I don't know. I sweep it up with a broom.

- No, I mean to really clean it.

- I don't know. The housekeeper does it.

- Oh, right.

- Listen, I'll just be a second, OK?

- No, no, no. Come here.

- What?

- You're not gonna go buy a mop right now.

- It's embarrassing.

- No, I told you, it's not a mop.

- It's these pads.

- I don't care.

You shouldn't be doing

your own housework.

- Why not?

- 'Cause you're a grown man.

You shouldn't be cleaning your own

floors.

Why? I enjoy doing it.

You know what? I'll call Rosa.

She'll do your place.

- Who?

- Rosa, my cleaning lady, she's great.

Babe, no.

Thanks, but I like doing it myself.

Are you kidding me?

You don't got to be doing that.

She won't do it right anyway.

You gotta vacuum my carpet a certain way,

- or else it looks...

- Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me.

- Why? What's wrong?

- Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why.

You're not listening to me.

I like my place, OK?

I'm proud of it,

I like to take care of it.

I don't care. We're not having

this discussion right now.

There's only a few things

I really care about...

We're not talking about this anymore.

- Fine, let's drop it.

- Good.

Those ones.

- You want those?

- Yeah.

Come here. Listen to me.

When we're living together,

you're not...

...going to be doing... any cleaning.

Come on.

Jon? Excuse me.

Look, I know you don't wanna talk to me.

I would leave you alone,

but I swear to God,

I just fell asleep during

that entire class.

The whole f***ing thing.

Can I copy your notes?

I'd ask somebody else, but everyone

in the class are like children.

I'm not calling you old.

It'll take like five minutes...

- Do you mind?

- Fine.

Thank you so much. Do you wanna

go somewhere? There's a caf...

My girlfriend's waiting at home, so...

Oh. OK, well, then I'll...

OK, I'll do this.

I really shouldn't get so high after lunch

if I'm gonna be coming here later.

You're probably right.

It is pretty boring, don't you think?

What?

- I said this class is pretty f***ing boring.

- Oh. Yep.

Like they're teaching you to be a robot.

- Why are you here?

- Hm?

- Why did you pick this class?

- I didn't.

What?

No, it seemed like a good idea.

I'm in the service industry now.

- You mean you're a waiter?

- No.

- Bartender?

- Yeah, so, if you wanna move up,

- you gotta go to school.

- Right.

But what do you mean you

didn't pick this class?

- No, I did.

- Did somebody pick it for you?

- No!

- Was it your parents or your girlfriend?

- What is it with you? Huh?

- No, I just...

- I was wondering...

- I'm doing something polite...

That's mine.

OK. Sorry.

Jesus!

Oh, man! Oh, God!

- Hey, baby.

- Hi, Jon.

What's wrong?

Remember when we first started dating?

What's the one thing I asked?

I said, "Don't lie to me."

- All right, who's talking sh*t about me?

- Nobody said anything.

- You gotta help me out...

- You looked at 46 porno sites today, Jon.

- Just today.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Don't f***ing lie to me!

- I don't know who told you that!

Nobody said anything.

It's right there in your history!

All you do is look at porno.

That's all you f***ing do!

- Wait, wait. My what?

- It's in your history.

In your browser?

Come on, don't tell me you don't

know what your history is.

No. Of course you don't, 'cause if

you did, you would have erased it,

like a good little phony. Here.

There. Go ahead, look. Go ahead.

- Baby, I...

- Please, no, don't call me that.

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