Don Jon Page #6

- I love you.

- Don't ever say that to me, ever again.

- What do you want me to say?

- What do I want you to say?

How about, "I'm sorry I've been

lying to you since the first day

that we started dating"?

How about that?

- I'm sorry. I am.

- How about, "I'm sorry I have more sex

with that thing

than I do with my girlfriend"?

First of all, everybody

watches porn, OK? All guys.

Any guy tells you he doesn't

is lying to you.

- You are so full of sh*t!

- Second of all...

- You are full of sh*t!

- Second of all, you know damn well

- we do it all the f***ing time!

- Yeah, I know we do.

- Whenever you want!

- So what the f*** is wrong with you?

What the f*** are you doing?

How do you watch that sh*t?

I don't know! OK? I don't know!

How do you watch all the stupid

f***ing movies you watch?

How do I watch movies?

What are you talking about?

I'm saying, you probably watch

that sh*t as much as I watch porn.

What are you saying?

That has nothing to do with anything!

- I'm just saying...

- Jon, movies and porno are different!

- They give awards for movies!

- They give awards for porn too.

Shut up! Shut the f*** up!

I can't believe we're talking about this.

I'm sorry. Jesus.

Look, stop it.

I don't know,

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm sorry, OK? I... I'm sorry.

I am so sorry...

I really liked you, you know?

I thought you were different.

But you're not.

So up until now,

my record was ten in one day.

And for a long time,

I thought I'd never beat that. But today...

...I hit 11.

And you know, when I have great

f***ing days like this,

it just reminds me how much

I love being single.

I do what I want, when I want.

I don't have to flake

on my friends anymore.

I don't have to waste my time

in a f***ing classroom.

It just feels good, like...

like I got my own life back.

I mean, you think I could have hit 11 when

I was with Barbara? No! Definitely not.

So...

- Jonny-boy!

- Jesus, bro, I can smell it on you already.

- You got to catch up, baby!

- You mean I got to buy your poor ass

- a f***ing drink?

- Yo, the Don mad anxious tonight.

- F*** you!

- Where's wifey?

- F*** that b*tch.

- Oh, sh*t!

- Damn, OK!

- All right.

You can't have this one, 'cause I

saw her first, but check out pink.

Yeah. She's all right.

- Hey, f*** you, buddy!

- F*** you!

What'd you say? Huh?

What the f*** did you just say?! Hey!

You wanna say some sh*t? Let's hear it,

you fat f***! What did you say?!

- I said f*** you!

- F*** me, huh? F*** me?

Is that what you said?!

Huh? Huh? You f***! Ah!

F***! Goddamn it! F***!

In the name of the Father,

the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

- Amen. Bless you, my son.

- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week

since my last confession.

- Jonny, where were you?

- Don't worry about it.

- What did you do to your...?

- Mom, it's fine.

- Shh!

- Hey, hush yourself!

Mom! It's fine. OK?

Tell me your sins.

Father, I don't know what happened, but...

...I guess I lost my temper and I...

I punched through this guy's window

on my way here right now.

I didn't hurt anybody, but...

Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Also, I watched pornographic videos

and masturbated 35 times.

For these and all the sins of my life,

I'm sorry.

- Twenty Lord's Prayers and 25 Hail Marys.

- Thank you, Father.

Through the ministry of

the Church,

may God give you pardon

and peace.

I absolve you from your sins in the

name of

the Father, the Son and the

Holy Spirit.

Amen.

- So Barbara couldn't come tonight?

- No, she had this family thing tonight.

But she wanted to make it,

she just couldn't.

- She told me to say hello to you guys.

- That's sweet.

Everything good with the two of you?

- Yeah, she's great.

- She's a catch, Jonny.

Beautiful girl.

I'm telling you,

a woman like that make a boy into a man.

I can see it on you too, it's starting.

Holy Mary...

...Mother of God...

...pray for us sinners...

...now...

...and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

What the f***?

- The f*** you doing here?

- Damn, really?

- Bro, I'm busy.

- Word, what you doing?

Right. Just 'cause you don't pick up

your phone don't make you busy.

- You smashed up somebody's car?

- Who told you that?

Kerry's sister said she heard you broke

through some guy's window.

- Well, did you?

- The guy was a f***ing a**hole.

- What did he do?

- Why you taking his side?

- I'm not taking his side.

- You are.

Stop and think for a second.

Stop and think for a second.

I don't care about that guy, I don't

give a damn about his car. F*** him.

What do you think I'm doing here, man?

- You wanna have a seat?

- Bro, honestly...

Man, sit your ass down.

All right, what happened with

your girl?

F*** that b*tch.

You said that already. What, she drop

you?

No.

No? You drop her?

After all that, she cheat on you?

- No!

- So, what happened?

Nothing! It's so f***ing stupid.

That's what I'm saying, she's a b*tch.

She did drop your ass.

What did you do, man? You cheat on her?

No!

All right, you wanna hear this sh*t?

It's so f***ing retarded.

She caught me watching porn.

- That's it?

- Right?

- That's bullshit.

- Swear to God.

Oh, my God! OK, hold on, hold on,

all right.

So after all that obligatory sh*t,

the friend mixing and meeting her folks,

she just walks in on you, you know,

beating your meat to a little video

- and she's out?

- You don't know her.

- She's crazy, she's a princess.

- Goddamn!

- I know.

- No, for real,

that's some crazy bullshit

right there.

- F*** that b*tch.

- Yeah. F*** that b*tch.

But you still gonna finish that class?

- Really?

- What are you, my mom?

No, I just thought it was almost done.

How much longer you got?

All right, everyone,

three more weeks until the final.

If you have any questions or

concerns,

please feel free to

e-mail me. Have a good night.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Where you going?

- To my car.

- Oh, sh*t!

- OK.

No, we're fine,

we're fine, we're fine.

Oh, my God!

Should've smoked this before,

you might've relaxed a little.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm playing with you. Trust me,

I'm a perfectly satisfied customer.

- You want some?

- Thanks.

So I'm parked all the way on the other

side. I don't know if you want...

I know, you wanna get back,

so let me enjoy

this and I'll drive you back to

your car.

OK.

- So, what happened with your girlfriend?

- F*** that b*tch.

- That bad? She find somebody else?

- No.

Wanna know what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

She snooped around on my computer,

she found out I watch porn.

I told her every f***ing guy watches porn,

she didn't believe me.

She acted like I was cheating on her

or something, which I wasn't.

So... we broke up.

And you know what? I'm glad we did.

- Just porn?

- Yeah.

- No, I don't buy it.

- I'm telling you. That's all.

Was it just once? Oh.

OK. So she caught you once, which is why

you're watching it on your phone at school,

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