Don Jon Page #7

'cause you're hiding it from her,

but she caught you the second time.

I don't know.

Am I right? I'm just guessing, but...

Oh, God, you're like a junkie.

You can't stop.

- How often do you watch it?

- What the f*** do you care?

- No, like every day?

- Every guy watches porn every day.

All right. When was the last time

you went a day without it?

- I don't know.

- No, come on, try and think.

- Seriously, I have no idea.

- Like this week, like this month?

No. I like my porn, OK?

I watch it every day. I always have.

Maybe when I was a kid, like before

I had a VCR in my room and I couldn't,

but even then I had Playboys, so...

- Have you ever thought about quitting?

- Quit...?

You're talking about it like...

No, why would I?

OK, let me ask you this.

You're a good-looking guy, I'm sure you

attract a lot of young ladies.

Why bother with porn

when you can have the real thing?

Nah, see, it's not the same thing.

I mean, real p*ssy's all good,

but, no offense...

No, no, no offense taken.

So you like porn better than sex?

Well, what is it?

What do you get from porn

that you don't get from sex

with an actual person?

- I lose myself.

- You lose yourself.

Yeah, just... goodbye.

And that doesn't happen when you

have sex.

I wish it did.

Sure, don't we all? Um...

OK. One more question,

then I'll drive you back.

- You ever jerk off without porn?

- What do you mean?

I'm not like a junkie.

Come on, that's stupid.

It's porn, it's not f***ing heroin.

I knew a few guys in high school who

actually smoked crack, like all the time.

That's like ajunkie. They couldn't stop.

I could stop if I wanted to. I could.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Somebody's excited.

- Yeah. Come on.

- I wanted to talk to you.

- Yeah? What about?

Don't you wanna...?

Don't you wanna wait till after class?

OK.

All right.

You're... You're intense today.

What's going on with you?

- I gotta talk to you.

- I didn't think you meant that

- when you said it.

- Well, I did.

Well, I'm flattered.

What do you wanna talk about?

Um...

So you were right.

- About what, your girlfriend?

- No.

I'm sorry. I was right about what?

- I stopped watching porn.

- Oh, yeah? That's great!

- I don't know if it is.

- No, it is.

I wasn't gonna stop, but then I was

thinking about what you asked me before,

if I ever jerk off without watching porn,

and I tried to...

- Yeah? And you couldn't?

- No, I couldn't.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've been

trying for a week, it's really

f***ed up.

- Oh, my God! You haven't cum in a week?

- Mm...

OK, wait. No. I want to hear

the rest of the story.

- So you haven't watched porn in a week.

- Yeah.

- That's good.

- What do you mean?

You said you watched porn.

Uh, yeah, but that movie

that I gave you was totally...

- Did you ever watch it?

- No.

OK. It's totally unlike the stuff

that I imagine you watch every day.

- That is not healthy.

- What do you mean? How do you know?

Oh, my God, please!

That stuff is ridiculous

and it's nothing to do with actual sex.

That's why you have trouble with

real women.

- No, I get off fine with real girls.

- Yeah, you definitely do.

Yeah, I just couldn't get off

beating it with my eyes closed.

But didn't you tell me last week

that you like porn better than real sex?

Well, honey, I'm gonna be honest with you,

'cause it seems like that's what you want.

Look, the way you have sex,

it's like totally one-sided.

It's like I'm not even there.

I mean, look, it's fine with me.

I'm not complaining.

It just so happens that meaningless sex

is something that I want in my life now,

but you said that you

wanna lose yourself in sex.

If you wanna lose yourself, you have

to lose yourself in another person.

And she has to lose herself in you.

It's a two-way thing.

You know what? I shouldn't have said that.

- No, it's fine.

- No, no, no. I'm sorry. I am.

- What are you talking about?

- No. I'm really sorry.

I'm... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

- You didn't. That's fine.

- No, I really didn't.

You know what?

Let's take a bath.

- What? Nah!

- No, come on. It'll be nice. It'll be nice.

Come on, let's take a bath.

I'm gonna get you a towel.

Hey, where were you?

I used one of the towels that was in there,

hope you don't mind.

Yeah, that's fine.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- You don't live here alone, do you?

- I actually do.

There's some kind of...

bad marriage situation here?

- No.

- I know it's none of my business, sorry.

I don't wanna get caught out and now some

guy's coming at me with a bat or some sh*t.

No, it's nothing like that.

All right. So, what is it?

Since when do you ask

me personal questions?

Since right now.

- It really doesn't matter.

- Well, it seems like it matters to you.

No, it doesn't.

Didn't you tell me it's sort of f***ed up

to keep stuff like this hidden?

My husband and my son died 14

months ago.

- Jesus!

- Thank you.

What happened?

Cars are terrible things.

I'm sorry, but your hair

is so much better this way.

- What?

- I can touch it.

- What are you talking about?

- You put so much junk in your hair,

it's all sticky and hard,

this is much better.

# Good vibration

# It's such a sweet sensation

# It's such a good vibration...

# Yo! It's about that time

# To bring forth the rhythm

and the rhyme...

In the name of the Father,

the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

- Amen. Bless you, my son.

- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week

since my last confession.

- Tell me your sins.

- First of all, I lied to you before.

I told you that, uh...

Well, actually,

I don't know if it was you.

Something I've always kinda wondered is,

is it the same guy I'm talking to every

week

or there's a few of you and you switch off,

or... how does that all work?

Well, anyway, I told the

Father a while back

that I stopped watching pornography,

but that was a lie, I didn't stop at all.

The thing is, this week I actually did stop,

like totally just not doing it anymore.

So...

- Yes?

- Yeah, so that's like zero for the week.

Other than that,

I did have sex out of wedlock one time,

but it was different,

it wasn't just sex, it was like...

I don't know, it's hard to explain,

but... yeah, that's it. So...

For these and all the sins of my life,

I am sorry.

- Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys.

- Really? Same thing, no difference?

Through the ministry of the

Church, may God give you...

Wait! Father, I'm really sorry,

but could you just tell me how

you got to those numbers, please?

'Cause I... I really thought there

was gonna be a difference this week.

Have faith, my son.

Through the ministry of the Church,

may God give you pardon and peace,

and I absolve you from your sins in

the name

of the Father, the Son and the

Holy Spirit.

- So, uh... me and Barbara split up.

- What?

- Barbara and I split up.

- I can't believe it, this is horrible!

Rate this script:3.0 / 2 votes