Down and Derby Page #5

It's not funny!

I'm not laughing, I'm sorry...

Sucker!

You...

Man!

Holy...!

Two tracks!

Laser timers!

I read about guys like you.

What's your best time

back here so far?

That's a good time.

Yeah.

A very good time.

But it ain't gonna beat Ace.

How do you know that?

Have you seen his car?

Yes and no.

What do you mean by that?

Where's your Pinewood Derby Bible?

My Bible?

Master "Slicer Dicer".

Oh...

Okay, here you go.

Check this out.

Ace Montana?

Uh-huh.

We're competing against the guy

that wrote the Bible.

Now you know

why the guy never works!

He sold a million of these babies.

And check this out,

page 537.

So, so what?

So?

So what?

Ace made this car

when he was eight.

It still holds the world record

of 3.11275.

They took a picture of this car

in California, before he moved here.

What...?

Uh-huh.

Why... why didn't you

show me this sooner?

Why didn't you

show me this sooner?

Why, why?

I've done all of this.

This... all of this.

Look!

All of this!

I've done all of this!

Yeah, I know.

For what?

For what?

I'll tell ya for what!

For nothing!

- No.

- No, for nothing!

Phil!

Ace Montana is a fluke!

Okay, Phil!

He's a fluke!

And you can't beat a fluke!

All right, Phil.

He's a fluke.

It's okay, it's okay.

Will you help me out here?

Phil, wait, wait, will you listen?

Phil!

No, wait!

He's a fluke!

Hold on a second!

No, no, no, no!

No, no, listen to me!

Let me go!

Listen to me!

Let me go!

Phil!

We figured a way to beat Ace!

Let me go!

What'd you say?

I said, we figured out

a way to beat Ace.

Now, listen to me.

That car...

it's over at Ace's house,

upstairs in his trophy room.

I've seen it!

Yes?

Yeah, okay, listen to me.

Hey, Phil.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Here's the plan.

Tomorrow morning,

when Ace, Teri, and A.J. go off

to bowl, or golf, or play tennis,

or whatever those shiny,

happy people do,

we go over to his house,

sneak in, get the car,

bring it back to your place,

do a little reverse engineering,

bring the car back,

and kick some Derby butt, huh?

What do you say?

Are you in?

Yeah?

Put your heart and soul into it.

You'll love it.

It's great.

There's nothing like it.

And just...

You can win this.

You can win it too.

Not the year we're in it,

but you can win it in your year.

Wake up!

Wake up!

What?

I don't think I can go

through with this, guys.

You're right.

Let's just forget it.

Phil?

We've got two hours.

We've got to move fast!

Yeah!

Going in.

Nice place!

Yeah, first place

in the home show.

Hello, you've reached 555-1111.

Go, go, go, go.

Just leave a message and we promise

to get right back to you.

Hi, this is the Pine Valley Mall.

Congratulations, Ace Montana,

on winning first place

in our grand prize drawing.

Make it stop!

Out of more than 50,000 entries

your name was drawn,

and you are the winner

of the brand new H2 Hummer.

When you get the message,

please call me

at the Pine Valley Mall office

at 565-5555.

Thank you,

and congratulations again.

Phil.

There's your proof.

What?

Ace and Teri are fake bakes.

You go in there and you get

stained like furniture.

Fine, fine, fine.

Let's go.

They're fake bakes.

I told you that.

"Big Dog", we have a visual.

Stacey Lynn Montana?

His name is Stacey Lynn?

"Big Dog", did you know

Ace's name is Stacey Lynn?

His name

is Stacey?

You've got to be kidding me.

That's a girl's name!

There is no way we're losing

this race to a Stacey!

It's so tight!

Let's go, please.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, this blows me away.

There's about over 100 million

Pinewood Derby cars made and raced.

And this one...

right here...

is the fastest of them all.

Part of American history.

It's like Charles Lindbergh,

Man O'War, Muhammad Ali,

Cael Sanderson, Babe Ruth...

Lassie.

How much does it weigh?

Exactly five ounces,

same as ours.

How long is it?

7 inches, just like it ours.

I love the brown.

Yeah, but I'm not seeing

anything special here, fellas.

Me either.

Let's see what she'll do.

Yeah, let's do it.

Call it the "Tiny Avenger."

Have you already written

the name on it?

Eh... no.

Um...

Eh, eh...

"Big Rig."

Careful, it's...

Oh... oh, that's, uh,

well, that...

that's not regulation.

I still have a little sanding to do.

Just put it up there.

Blaine, what do you got?

"Say, Awe."

Ahh.

A-W-E.

That...

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay Jimmy, you got...

Careful...

Easy.

Easy, easy, easy.

Okay, okay.

Wait a second.

Yep.

You get it back together?

Yeah, I put it back together

exactly the same way

we took it apart.

How did the alignment go?

Lead is balanced

in the front axel.

Uh-huh.

All right, all right.

That's a beauty.

Okay.

Let's do it.

Okay.

Wow!

It is fast!

One in 100 hundred million.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's a fluke.

It's a fluke, just like Ace.

Let's take it apart again.

No, we... we don't have,

we don't have time.

You were right, it's... it's the...

it's the lead in the front axel.

That and the wheels.

They're smooth

as a baby's bottom.

We gotta get this back there.

Do I have time

to go to the bathroom?

No, let's go.

Oh, man, this wheel came off.

I...

shoot.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Well, y-y-you can wait.

I don't want to go,

I have to go.

See the difference.

Well, go, go, go, go, go.

Come on.

Come on, baby, come on.

Yeah... right in there.

Right... a little...

This is "Big Dog".

The enemy has returned!

Get out of there!

Now, now, now, now.

Good boy.

They're going in!

Come on, Champ.

Get out of there!

Now, now, now, now!

They're home.

What?

Mom, the toilet's flooding!

It's flooding!

Come here, quick!

It's flooding!

The toilet's flooding!

The toilet's flooding!

There's water everywhere!

What's going on?

Ace, get up here right now!

Teri, what's going on up there?

The bathroom!

Oh! On my marble!

Turn off the water!

This is "Big Dog."

Where are you guys?

We're trapped in here.

Let's cool it with the "Big Dog" stuff.

I'm gonna try to get out a window.

Where's Phil?

I don't think

he made it out either.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding.

Why would I be kidding?

Go away! Go away!

Go, boy!

Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go.

Get... get out of here.

Stop it, stop it!

Here, here, here!

Here.

Go get it, yeah.

No, no, no!

Go away, go away.

Champ, what are you doing?

Get out of the closet!

Get out of the closet.

Go on!

Where are you?

I'm on the roof.

On the roof!

Get off

the roof!

Okay, I think I found a spot

I can get down over here.

Ace?

Ace, honey, is that you?

Uh...

Will you get me

a towel, please?

There should be one right there

on the vanity.

Ace, are you trying

to be funny?

Ace, are you gonna get me a towel?

Teri.

Teri?

Did you hear that scream?

Yeah, yeah... What was that?

I don't know.

Do you think maybe

you could get me something

a little bit bigger

than a washcloth next time?

What are you talking about?

Champ?

Go see A.J.

Go on.

Teri?

Teri?

What?

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