Down Terrace

Oh, don't you remember

A long time ago?

Those two little babies

Their names I don't know

They strayed away

One bright summer's day

Those two little babies

Got lost on their way

Pretty babes in the wood

Pretty babes in the wood.

Well, that's that then.

Let's get a cab.

I can't face the walk.

Reporter:
...situated on

the outskirts of the city

on the first day

of a week long series

of special reports from Iraq

to mark the fifth anniversary

of the Allied invasion.

Five years on we've commissioned

the most comprehensive survey

of the Iraqi people

ever undertaken,

and it seems

like the nation

is deeply pessimistic

about the future.

The people are concerned

over the continued rise in violence

and about the remaining

deep divides

in their society.

Garvey's here.

Hey, big Bill!

Can't keep a good man down,

can they?

- Nice to see you, mate.

- Yeah, you too.

Karl, make us some tea,

will you?

I've gotta get out

of this monkey suit.

Eh, full acquittal

though, yeah?

- Get in! Come here.

- Thanks, man.

I knew it was bollocks. They'd never

make that stick, would they?

It's a f***ing waste

of the taxpayers' money.

Tell you what, it should be legalized

anyway, shouldn't it?

- Yeah. Anyway, do you want some tea?

- Yeah.

Maggie, would you make

Garvey some tea, please?

Oh!

( sighs )

Jesus Christ, it's like

a f***ing noose!

Undo the knot.

Come here.

- You're just tightening it.

- F***ing get it off me, man!

Calm down.

Just let us have a look.

How long has

he been here, Maggie?

- He's had a sandwich.

- The disgusting fat locust.

He's not fat.

He's got big bones, Bill.

Well, he's peasant stock,

isn't he?

Now, you know, it's all beer

and armchairs and TVs,

and they're just a load of slobs.

It sickens me.

His dad was a moron

as well.

Good to see

a friendly face.

I thought I'd pop in,

make sure you're all right.

Tough four months

for you boys, I'd imagine.

I just thought I'd come

and put your mind at rest.

Everything's

running smoothly.

I knew it was

all in safe hands.

Well, I'll pop

to the little boys' room.

Hey, you've put on

a bit of weight there, Garv.

- I don't think so.

- I think you're getting a little bit heavier.

Yeah, I can see it on the sides--

like handles.

Right, thanks.

- ( door opens, closes )

- Maggie:
Hello, Eric.

Thanks.

- Boys.

- Karl:
Eric.

They gave you cake

for the way out, did they?

Karl:
Oh, yeah.

- Bill:
All right, Eric?

- Yeah, I'm all right. You?

- Yeah, not too bad now.

- Looks like a slab of concrete.

Bill:

Yeah. Ah, it's all right.

A little bit stale. Taste's a bit

like petrol, but it's okay.

Looks like a dog's crapped on it.

Look at it.

Garvey:

I quite liked it.

- I thought it was all right.

- Oh, it's all right.

Karl:
If you swill it down

with enough tea,

it'll be getting there,

you know.

Eric:
Well, don't break

your teeth on it.

Where'd you get it?

I got it from the shop

at the end of the road.

- Those Pakis are thieves, man.

- You shouldn't say that--

Pakis-- anymore,

should you?

- What's someone from Afghanistan?

- Uh, Afghani.

- There you go.

- Yeah, that's true.

- Brain of Britain.

- Karl:
Yeah.

This needs

painting over, Maggie.

Yeah, everything's

a mess here.

We can't be too conspicuous.

That's the golden rule.

I wouldn't want a new house.

They've always got problems.

You can't trust builders.

This situation needs sorting out,

tidying up.

Yeah. Like someone

close in, obviously.

Yeah.

Well, it's an informant

culture, isn't it?

- Listen, about that money...

- Don't worry about that now.

- That's good of you, Garv.

- That's all right.

- I'll sort it out next week.

- No sweat.

- I'll bring it round to your house.

- Or down the club.

- Yeah, okay. Thanks, man.

- It's only money, isn't it?

- Eric:
Any beer about?

- Only what you brought, mate.

I thought this was meant

to be a big party.

Well, I'll pop down the offy.

Who wants what?

Get us some whiskey,

some wine and some beer.

And some matches

or a lighter.

- No, a lighter.

- All right.

- ( Bill sighs )

- Okay.

( phone ringing )

Oh, f***'s sake.

Where's Garvey getting

the booze from?

- Bill:
Just the offy over the road.

- Valda's coming round.

- Bill:
Who's coming over?

- Valda's coming round.

Ah. That's his new bird.

Is it?

Karl:
I've been going out

with her for a year.

Bill:
He's not been going out

with her for a year at all.

How long have you

actually known her?

- I haven't seen her in about six months.

- He hasn't seen her.

- How long did you go out for?

- About a year-- 10 months.

Eric:
I thought I heard

she done one.

She did, but she just rung up.

She's coming round.

Eric:
Maybe she's pregnant.

( laughs )

Bill:

Yeah, that's--

that's extremely unlikely.

I fast for January.

No to poisons, no to drugs,

no food.

I only allow myself tea.

- Karl:
And whiskey.

- F***ing hell, Bill.

- I feel like a teenage tantric Superman.

- Yeah, so do I.

Bill:

I'm a simple person.

I like to reconnect

to the essentials.

Go on.

Come on.

Come on, Eric,

you're strong,

you big-boned bastard.

This is like tempered steel.

Come on.

You do it to me,

then I'll do it to you.

- Come on!

- Eric:
Bad-tempered steel.

Come on, Eric,

I'll let you have a go.

- Come on, then.

- Let's have it.

( all laughing )

- Looks like a crossover.

- Go on, take a dig.

- Take a f***ing dig, Eric!

- Feel that.

- It's soft as shite.

- Oh, you bastard!

I forgot to pick

the kids up.

- Bill:
Oh, a man out of time.

- Sh*t.

- Eric:
What's happened?

- ( phone vibrating )

Oh, that's them

outside now.

I'd better go.

Bill:

Who's out there?

- Karl:
It's his missus.

- Bill:
Is she coming in?

No no no.

I'd better go.

I gotta feed the kids

and that, but--

Is that Helen?

I ain't seen her in years.

Yeah yeah.

We gotta go.

Well, uh, nice one.

Well done and everything.

- Yeah, well done.

- Cheers, Garv.

Yeah, see you later.

See you, Maggie.

See you, everyone.

Cheers, Garv.

Have a good one, mate.

She looks

absolutely furious.

Bill:
Give 'em a kiss

for me, Garv.

Eric:
She's fit--

his missus, mate.

- Hoo-hoo.

- Karl:
That's his old missus.

His new missus is like

a hippo-croco-pig.

( all chuckling )

- Eric:
A bit shortsighted.

- Looks a bit like him in a lady mirror.

Bill:
A female version of Garvey.

Can you imagine it?

Give us one of those beers.

Oh, these are from Garvey.

- Good old Garvin, eh?

- Bill:
Yeah, cheers.

- What a little superstar.

- Eric:
He's shaken 'em up, hasn't he?

He's totally f***ing

depth-charged me.

Why don't you just pour it

over the carpet?

- ( urinating )

- Karl. Oi.

- Yeah? Hello, mate.

- Come here, I've got something to show you.

Hold on a second.

By the way, when are

you coming back to work?

Soon. Just got to be

a bit careful, that's all.

Well, you need

to hurry up.

I'm running round

like a blue-ass fly.

This thing don't

run itself, you know?

- Everything's going all right though, yeah?

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