Dracula: Dead and Loving It Page #3

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I'm saying, "vampire."

Professor, modern science

does not admit to such a fanciful creature.

Modern science, pish posh.

She has lost a great deal of blood, ja?

- Ja.

- Yet, look.

Where did all the blood go?

Look at the sheet, the pillowcase,

her nightgown.

Do you see anything?

How does your modern science

explain "zat?"

Can you explain "zat?"

I can't explain "zat."

No one can explain "zat!"

Are you asking us to believe...

that some creature

just flew in through that window...

bit Lucy on the neck,

and drank of her blood?

Exactly.

And tonight...

the foul thing will return.

It will suck on her life's fluid...

until it has drained her of every last drop.

And if she dies...

a victim of this unspeakable creature...

she will become one herself.

What?

She will become one herself.

What can we do

to protect her from this fiend?

- Seward.

- Yes?

Do you have any books on the occult?

They're right here.

- Do you have Transylvanian Folklore?

- No.

Do you have The Theory

and the Theology of the Evil Undead?

No.

- Do you have The Vampires of Prague?

- No.

Do you have Nosferatu?

Yes, we have Nosferatu.

We have Nosferatu today.

- It just came in the post.

- Here, give it to me, quick.

Here.

- There is a way to protect her.

- How?

"The creature is repelled by garlic.

"Lts purifying effect is anathema...

"to the tainted soul of the vampire."

I must move the coffin or the chandelier.

We brought you down here

so you'll be closer to us, my dear.

We'll be just down the hall in the study.

You must get a good night's rest

to regain your strength, my dear.

It's the only way to improve your health.

Would an enema help?

Come, we must go.

Sleep well, Miss Lucy.

The garlic will protect you.

Garlic.

- Renfield.

- Master?

It is time for you to serve your master.

- Come.

- Yes, master.

Those meddling idiots.

They want to prevent me

from entering Miss Lucy's bedroom.

- I want to take...

- Wait, master.

All right, I'm listening.

They have placed garlands of garlic

around her room.

What can I do, master?

I can't leave this cell.

Do you imagine I could not

take you out of here if I wish?

That these pathetic bars could stop me?

Wait, master. I'm getting such a headache.

How dare they try to match wits with me?

Me, who has commanded

the forces of darkness.

Me, who has called forth

the demons of the night to do my bidding.

Me, who has destroyed every enemy

down through the centuries.

Renfield? I'm talking to you.

- Sorry, master.

- Come.

We have much to do,

and less time to do it in.

Renfield, hurry.

Renfield, I meant for you

to use the drain pipe.

I fly, you don't.

Yes, of course.

- Come.

- He flies, I don't.

Renfield, you idiot.

Grab him, Harker.

I'm weak. I strayed.

What did he do?

I caught him lifting up the sheets

and looking at me.

Nothing but a filthy pervert. Martin.

Here you are.

Take him back to his cell

and give him a you-know-what.

No, not another enema.

Yes, another and another

until you come to your senses.

- I'll close the window.

- Yes.

Good lad.

- Are you all right, dear?

- Yes. I'm fine, Dr. Seward...

apart from this ghastly garlic.

I'm sorry, dear, but Van Helsing insists.

Oh, Lord!

Lucy...

I command you...

open the window.

Come.

Get in there, you filthy degenerate!

I didn't see anything!

I saw everything.

- It's Lucy. Someone was attacking her.

- Wait here.

How is she?

- She's dead.

- Dead?

The vampire has taken all of her blood.

I told her not to leave

the safety of the garlic.

No. It's absolutely absurd.

I tell you, we must drive

a wooden stake through her heart.

Or else she will rise from her grave

to seek the blood of the living.

Lucy was my ward.

I won't permit you to desecrate her body

in such a vile manner.

It's sacrilegious.

But, Dr. Seward, shouldn't we at least

stand guard over Lucy's grave...

- just to make sure?

- No.

I'm having serious doubts

about this whole vampire theory.

For heaven's sake, who in all of England...

by the very furthest stretch

of the imagination...

could possibly be a vampire?

- Count Dracula.

- Well, maybe him.

What? What are you... about?

Count Dracula! Just talking about you,

favorably of course.

Forgive my interruption...

but I was just made aware

of the unfortunate passing of Miss Lucy.

I wish to offer my condolences.

- Thank you. We're all very distraught.

- Yes.

Count Dracula, allow me to introduce...

Prof. Abraham Van Helsing

of London University.

He's a doctor of rare diseases,

as well as theology and philosophy.

Und gynecology.

I didn't know

you had your hand in that, too.

Van Helsing, a name we know

even in the wilds of Transylvania.

Count Dracula. Curious.

Are you descended from Vlad Tepes,

the first Dracula?

Tepes?

It means "The lmpaler."

He was a bloodthirsty butcher...

who inflicted unspeakable tortures

on the peasants.

Cutting off their hands and feet,

gouging out their eyes...

and then impaling them on iron spikes.

They had it coming.

What could they possibly have done...

to deserve such barbaric

and inhuman treatment?

Yes.

We have a saying in the old country:

They also said:

I'm very impressed, Van Helsing.

You speak the ancient Moldavian.

Well, gentlemen, I will take my...

leave.

I say, Van Helsing, you are a man

who likes to have the last word.

I will not be drawn into

such a childish exercise.

It is immaterial to me

who has the last word.

It is getting late.

We will carry on this conversation

at another time.

Good night.

Such arrogance.

It is easy to see...

why the decadent aristocracy

is dying out...

in that part of the world.

Gentlemen, our work is not done.

The vampire is still among us.

You must remember, he is cunning.

He has the wisdom of centuries.

And above all, he will never give up.

That man! He never gives up.

Never gives up.

What are you thinking, Professor?

- When did Count Dracula move in?

- About a month ago.

And when did Miss Lucy's symptoms

first appear?

About the same time.

Are you saying

that Count Dracula is our vampire?

Yes! And no.

- Then what are you saying?

- I'm saying no.

But I'm leaning towards yes.

- Then you're saying yes.

- No.

- Then it's no.

- Not necessarily.

- You sound dubious.

- No, I'm positive.

- Of what?

- My theory.

- And that would be?

- The theory of yes or no.

Good night, sweet lady.

May angels' voices sing thee to thy rest.

Help me.

What's that?

Help me, it's so dark in here.

Who's in there?

I'm alive. They've buried me alive.

Saints preserve us.

Don't worry, miss. I'm coming.

Oh, my God!

They made a mistake, a terrible mistake.

Please help me. I'm so very cold.

You'll be all right. You're alive.

I say, Jonathan. What are you doing?

Just for tonight...

I'm going to stand guard at Lucy's grave,

as the Professor suggested.

Surely you don't believe

this vampire business?

I don't know what I believe.

But on the odd chance

that Van Helsing's right...

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