Dream Wife Page #3

Of course the trick is to find a girl like Louise.

When I go home at night

I know she's there waiting for me.

It's got feeling.

It doesn't matter what we do, we always have fun.

Sometimes we'll take a walk somewhere,

or maybe go to a movie.

Maybe we'll just stay home

in front of the fire and read.

It's great.

And then sometimes, when we're in the mood,

we three of us go to a nightclub.

The three of you?

Why, yes.

My mother-in-law lives with us.

Now wait a minute, fellows.

We shouldn't talk like this in front of Clem.

He's gonna be a bridegroom next week.

No, I'm not.

Effie and I called the whole thing off last night.

Oh, I'm sorry, Clem. I'm really sorry.

Why are you sorry?

You just got finished showing me how lucky I am.

There isn't one of you can look me straight in the eye

and tell me you're happily married.

You've had to make a million compromises.

Why do we always have to cater to women?

We put them on pedestals,

we make up cockeyed rules about the weaker sex.

You get into an elevator with one of the weaker sex

and you take off our hat in some kind of pagan tribute.

Twenty minutes later the same delicate female is driving

a taxicab through traffic and cursing like a muleskinner.

We keep treating them like flowers

and they keep outliving us.

Right now they control 70% of the wealth

of this country and are they satisfied?

No, they want to control the country.

They're Ambassadors, they're in the senate,

they're even in the State Department.

That fight with Effie must have been a lulu.

No, I'm glad it happened.

We were all wrong for each other.

We both saw that last night.

Most people are afraid to face such problems.

They get married, find out they don't belong together

then they have to get a divorce.

You took a shortcut.

There must be a girl somewhere who thinks

it's a wonderful career just to have a home and babies,

whose only thought is to make her husband happy.

That kind of girl went out with the cavemen.

Only if they had money.

Clem!

Clem?

What's the matter?

Suppose there were a girl like that.

Suppose I had found a girl who was trained

from the day she was born

to be a dream wife. What would you say?

I'd say she got a friend.

It was right under my nose and I couldn't see it.

I said no.

You sound like a schoolboy in love.

Miss Temple. Take a cable.

Princess Tarji Suleimani, Bukistan.

Oh!

May I come in?

Would it make any difference if I said no?

No.

Before you get any ideas I think you should know

I'm here on official business.

Did you send a cable this afternoon?

Yes, yes I did.

But I hardly think that concerns the State Department.

I'm afraid it does.

It was addressed to the Princess of Bukistan.

Now look. Your beloved State Department

can butt into almost anything they like,

but this time my love life does not concern them.

That cable is a personal matter.

Every cable that goes out of here to Bukistan

has to clear through the State Department.

And I don't think your idea of a joke

is very funny.

What joke?

You know perfectly well.

This cable reads like a proposal of marriage

to the princess.

That's exactly what it is.

Are you serious?

Are you asking as a woman or a member

of the State Department?

I thought you went over there to work.

As a woman.

My interest in this is purely political.

We happen to have a very tense oil situation

over there at the moment

and a joke like this may be misconstrued.

I don't consider a proposal of marriage a joke.

You're really serious.

What's the matter with that?

You hardly know the girl.

I know her well enough to want to spend

the rest of my life with her.

By that time I should know her even better.

Clem, if this is a rebound thing, I...

It isn't.

Well, you don't know

what you'll be letting yourself in for.

It's not like marrying an American girl.

I hope not.

Now tell me, is there any law against

my marrying Tarji?

Of course not.

Good.

Then I intend to.

You can tell that to your State Department.

All right.

Would you like to give the cable to me?

No, I would not.

Besides, I've already sent the cable.

Why would I want to give it to you?

I have it here. They referred it back to our office.

They did?

If you would like to dictate another one,

I'll see that it's sent out.

Oh, for heaven's...

Oh, well, all right, in that case, uh...

Dear Miss... no.

Dear Princess

Darling.

Though I have known you but a few short weeks,

I find that I cannot forget you. Stop.

I have never felt this way about any girl before.

I mean, I've never felt this way about any girl

from Bukistan before.

Uh.... never mind. Start again.

Darling, Though I have known you but a few short weeks,

I find that I cannot forget you.

Yes, that's all right. Stop.

Would appreciate your marrying me at once.

Please advise, yours truly, Clem Reade.

Did you get that?

No...

May I make a suggestion?

What is it?

Well, first of all, I wouldn't send it to her,

I'd send it to her father.

I don't want to marry her father...

It's a custom.

Secondly, there are certain lingual

and formal amenities to be observed.

I'll see that it's properly reworded.

Thanks.

I know a little more about the East

than you do, Clem.

She's an important princess.

Don't be surprised if you don't get an answer.

Thanks, I won't.

Good night, Clem.

Good night.

It's been three weeks!

Oh, that's it.

I can't understand why I haven't heard.

These things take time.

Well, gentlemen, get this.

The entire order from Bukistan has been cancelled.

They can't have cancelled it!

They've been offended.

It's the cable you sent.

I didn't send it, Effie did.

Effie! That double crosser!

Miss Temple.

Get me Miss Effington at the State Department.

Yes, sir.

I got a delivery for Clemson Reade.

Where will I put it?

This is his office. Bring it in.

Here?

Yes.

Okay, lady. Anything you say.

Why, why... How do I know why?

All I know is that 20 minutes ago we got this cable.

Reade's proposal of marriage has been accepted.

You confirmed it, didn't you?

Yes, yes.

I still don't see what's so terrible about it.

Then I 'll tell you.

All this deal needs is one little match

to blow it sky high.

And this could be that match.

Oh, the khan seems friendly enough at present...

but all his future son-in-law has to do is to whistle

to a pretty blonde and we're dead.

Well, what can we do?

There's only one thing we can do.

We've got to see to it that this is

the happiest courtship since Romeo and Juliet.

Nothing must go wrong.

Because if they pfft!,

it'll be a pfft! all around the world.

We need someone to make sure

that nothing does go wrong.

Someone who knows the Bukistanian language,

Bukistanian customs and diplomatic protocol.

And, if possible, Mr. Clemson Reade himself.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Mac, I...

Have you reached Miss Effington yet?

She what?

Well, keep try...

What are these goats doing here?

The lady said to bring them in.

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